"God gave me these curls."

This was Lawson's response when asked where she got her pretty curls. The funny thing is that I said, "Well she kind of got them from me and her dad. I just straighten mine." She kept saying over and over, "God gave me these curls, God gave me these curls!" So, I told the lady what she said. It just made my heart smile. She knew the answer and wasn't so shy about telling the truth:)

Pretty much where ever we go someone comments on her curls. It has gotten to be somewhat of a problem when my feisty little girl started saying, "Look at my purty curls!" I do not want to raise a conceded girl. NO WAY. This is where I started talking to her about how God made her just the way He wanted to and He gave her the curls.

She has such a spunky little spirit. Tonight as I was lying in the bed with her, I just thanked God for her. You see He saved me when I was pregnant with her. I know I have written about it here in my blog before, but make no mistake God saved me and Lawson literally. So, when I was looking at her sweet face sucking on her thumb fast asleep it took me back to when I was pregnant with her.

We didn't find out we were having a girl until 2 weeks before she was born. Up until that time I would get ultrasounds every week and I could never see her face. I totally thought my child didn't have a face. I could never see a profile. You see, she was sucking her thumb. She cried for the first 13 weeks of her life, until she found her beloved thumb.

She would not be here if the diabetes counselor hadn't called me that day. We would be dead. I would have overdosed on insulin because the pharmacy gave me the wrong syringes. I would have taken 80 units on insulin. We would not be here if it weren't for the Lord. He saved us. I fell to my knees when I realized what would have happened if she hadn't called. Oh, how I thanked Him. But, I didn't find Him until she was 5 months old. That is when my life changed.

Sweet girl, I love you so much. More than you will ever know. I am so thankful that God made you exactly the way He wanted too. You are one of the reason's He drew me to Himself and what a gift that is. I had to quit pushing Him away. I quit fighting Him and let Him in and He has changed me. I love you to Heaven and back:)

Really Living: In Christ Alone

Really Living: In Christ Alone

Please feel free to go to my sweet friend Emily's blog and read her entry from last year. She is an amazing woman and her writings and life have touched my soul:) Thank you Emily for your words today.....In Christ Alone!

We sang this song a few weeks back at church and I had chill bumps the hole time and tears in my eyes.

Hello:)

I didn't realize that my number of views would increase so much when I decided to put my blog on my Facebook page......who was I kidding? hehe:) If you have found my blog through Facebook or other blogs that I follow, could you please just let me know who you are? I started this blog to journal about my feelings and share them with my mom and sister's. Then I just felt this pull to open up my heart and let it all out:) To not be ashamed of what the Lord is doing in my life. For those of you that "know" me, know that I am usually an open book. But, I have found in my new journey as a Christian it is sometimes hard to talk about how I really feel. These writings are very personal. So, do you mind just letting me know who you are?

Love,
Allison:)

sister's

7.456

I ran in my first 12k this morning. This race symbolizes so much of what the Lord has been doing in my life for the past 2 years. He broke me down. He drew me to Him. He has healed me. Has it been hard? Has it felt like it was never going to get better? Has it felt like He wasn't there sometimes? Has it felt like I just couldn't do it any more? Has He revealed Himself to me in ways I could never even imagine? Has He guided me through the pain? Has He put bandaids on my heart and covered them with kisses? Has He shown me a love that I never knew before? Has this race with Him been worth it? Has He changed me?

Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes and Yes. I was so nervous about this race. It started yesterday afternoon. I just kept thinking, "Am I really going to be able to do it? I have only run 6 miles one time in the past week. One time. This is 7.456 miles. Can I, Lord?" I slept, which was a blessing. I woke up at 6:30 and got ready to go. I read a few Psalms and headed out. It was raining. Drizzling and cool. But, I was ready. I had my Ipod all set up with some new tunes and I was ready. Pretty confident actually.

We started off running a pretty big hill and it was painful. Then downhill. Then uphill. I tried to keep a pretty consistent pace. Then it leveled off for a while. I was able to just run and enjoy it. Then I turn on this road and I see my car. Then I see Leighton, Mac and Lawson way up in front cheering for me. I gasped I think. It just took my breathe away. To see this beautiful family there cheering me on. My family. Cheering for me. Loving me. Encouraging me. Priceless.

Tears stream down my face right now because of the overwhelming gratitude that I have for my Lord. He has done every single one of those questions. He has provided a way for me. He has guided me and never left me on this entire 2 year journey. He has changed me in a way that I never thought was possible. Two years ago I didn't want to go on. I was miserable. I hated myself. I hurt all over. Pain is an understatement. I just wanted it to go away. But, I somehow found hope. I know that that hope was from Him. He has known all along what His plans were for me, so it has been no surprise for Him. I can just seeing Him smiling right now:)

For the first time in 2 years I feel complete. I feel totally hopeful and confident in who He created me to be. I give Him all the Glory, because Only He can do these things. He changed me from being someone that wanted it to end the race, to someone who wants to endure the race for Him. With Him. Not looking back in a negative way, but to give Him the Glory and never forget what He did for me on that cross. This race is so worth it and I can't wait until I get There and see His face and feel His arms wrapped around me. Eternal life is worth the race:)

1 Corinthians 9:24-27 (New International Version)

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

Hebrews 12

God Disciplines His Sons

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."^[a]

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. "Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

2 Timothy 4:7 (New International Version)

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

I will continue to fight the good fight. I will continue in the race. And I will always keep the faith. Thank you, Lord. Thank you.

Please pray for this family today...

Steve Caswell passed away on Saturday after a hard fight with cancer. Please pray for his wife and 5 daughters. I did not know them personally. But, found his Caringbridge site through another. His love for the Lord was amazing. His testimony of God's faithfulness, truly touched my life and so many more.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/stevecaswell

Look mommy, a bird!

Today I heard Lawson say, "Look mommy, bird, bird!" So, I ran to the front door secretly knowing it was going to be the "red bird". And it was! He is so beautiful. I am going to have to try to get a picture of him. Thank you, Lord for the gentle reminder of Your presence in my life. Not just when I see a red bird, but all the time:)

Redemption

Lord, I sing praises to You this morning.
You have lifted a heavy burden off my heart.
You have made known my unbelief in my heart.

But, through You, Your comfort and love have led me to Your Word and Your Truth.
You love me. No if's, and's or but's about it.
You don't look at me with negative eyes, You see the good.

Lord, open my eye's even more to Your goodness inside me.
Let me embrace You in me. So much so that thinking negatively about myself
will only be a remembrance of the past.

A past that has drawn me closer and closer to You.
The One and Only who gives me life.
A life that I am so thankful and grateful for.

Thank you for letting me experience true love from my dear husband.
Thank you for the two beautiful children you have given me.
Thank you for redeeming my past.
Thank you for letting me come to Your Heavenly Throne without the fear of condemnation.

Thank you for Your Son, Jesus. Thank you for sacrificing Your only Son so that I could live.
I only want Your Glory and Your Splendor revealed through my life. All the pain and uncertainty
can and will bring You Glory!

Your daughter, through Christ, Amen.

Psalm 3

Psalm 3

Save Me, O My God

A Psalm of David,^(A) when he fled from Absalom his son.

1O LORD, how many are my foes!
Many are rising against me;
2many are saying of my soul,
there is no salvation for him in God.
Selah

3But you, O LORD, are a shield about me,
my glory, and the lifter of my head.
4I cried aloud to the LORD,
and he answered me from his holy hill.
Selah

5I lay down and slept;
I woke again, for the LORD sustained me.
6I will not be afraid of many thousands of people
who have set themselves against me all around.

7 Arise, O LORD!
Save me, O my God!
For you strike all my enemies on the cheek;
you break the teeth of the wicked.

8 Salvation belongs to the LORD;
your blessing be on your people!
Selah

This first part of this post is what I wrote to the Lord this morning in my quiet time. The Psalm is what Dr. Ferguson preached on today at lunch. The previous post, "Spiritual Warfare" is what has been going on in my brain for the past few weeks. I even kept it private until today. I posted it because I wanted to show how the Lord revealed Himself to me. He can do anything:)

Dr. Ferguson said there are 4 different medicines we can take out of this Psalm 3:
1. Tell God about the situation. Write it out. Cast our burden on Him. He PROMISED to bear it for us.

2. Began to sense God with him(David). To have an ongoing consciousness that He is with you.
There is a shield ABOUT you, 360 degree shield around you. My glory, and the lifter of my head......oh, how sweet is that picture:) How comforting to picture Him touching my chin and making me look at HIM.

3. Realizes not to be afraid. You are completely safe. The strength of the Lord is about me. Dr. Ferguson also talked about sleep and how Jesus slept through the storm and was awakened by Simon Peter. He also said, "When we are helped through distress we can point others to the Lord."

4. We see a biblical "brave heart"(7-8). David is saying, "Establish Your Kingdom here, with me."
"Arise, O Lord! Save me, O my God! For YOU strike all my enemies on the cheek; YOU break the teeth of the wicked. Salvation belongs to the Lord; Your blessing be on Your people."(7-8)

Coincidence that I wrote to the Lord this morning? Oh, no. Providentially. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Spiritual Warfare

Why is it, once I think I understand something or "get it"....something else happens. The Lord has been working in me for a long time. He has done amazing things in my life. I am in AWE of His Power, Glory, really everything about Him intrigues me. I want to know more about Him. But, I am struggling. I don't know if it is unbelief. I think so. But, what is so crazy is that I REALLY do believe Him at His Word. Every word. I understand it. I feel it. But, some of it I don't.

A lot stims from childhood. My whole life I wanted Joe's love, attention and acceptance. But, it was never unconditional. There was always a catch. If I went to see him more, he was a little bit nicer to me and wouldn't say hateful things to me. Or he wouldn't make me feel so guilty. But, even if he was nicer, I was always looking for the bad. The bad is what I expected. I do remember some of the good. But the bad always stuck more than the good. Maybe this warfare is against damage done, and Him undoing it for me. I do trust that this is in His plan and His will for my life. I am looking for His Glory in this. Because, He always reveals it to me in some way.

Memories of crying for him. He not showing up(again). Not understanding. I was 5 or 6. This continued throughout my life. I just expected it. Disappointment. Hurt. Anger. Frustration. It is almost an innate response I have. Even though I accepted Jesus as my Savior almost 2 years ago, it is so hard to wrap my mind around His unfailing love for me. Crazy. It is a constant war in my brain. Trying to figure it out. Let the hurt go and just believe it. Believe Him at His word. But, I do. I truly do believe. I love Him so.

I know that He put Joe in my life for a reason. Probably to draw me closer to Him and realize that He is my true Father. I know Joe is sick. I pray for him all the time. I have truly forgiven him. Wednesday is his birthday. I usually get kind of anxious around any significant date. The last time was my birthday back in March. That was hard because it was the 2 nd birthday that he had not even acknowledged my birth. Then this summer I contacted him. The Lord really used that to heal my heart in some ways. But, it still hurts.

I just have so many questions. Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel like I am under attack? Why won't it stop? I am praying, but am I not praying the right way? Am I not confessing my sin, or do i not know exactly what the sin is? Am I in bondage to sin? Even though I know Jesus nailed my sins to the cross. I know that. Why can't I release it? Oh, Lord please protect me from satan.

I have these unrational fears. Fears that I am going to be like him. False. Not true. I am a new creation. I do have an anxiety disorder and ADD, but I am not mentally ill or addict like him. I love my children. I have trained myself to love them and it is easy now. Truly. The Lord has truly blessed me with such affectionate children. My life now is not the life that I lived. He has redeemed my past. He is healing me. I know it. I believe it. I just want the warfare to stop. Please, Lord forgive me for my unbelief. But, You know my heart. You know that I love You more than anything. I long to see you.

Please pray for Kenzie

Please pray for Kenzie's blog

Love

Snakes

Fear. Panic. Anxious. Fear. Panic. Anxious.

I really dislike snakes. Always have and always will. But, my sweet Mac loves them. LOVES them. So, this morning my sweet husband went outside to get the paper and came in this morning with, you guessed it...a snake. Now, this snake was not big at all. Maybe four inches long. The smile on Mac's face was, well pure joy. He was so excited. Me. Not so much.

We went over with Mac the rules about the snake. You can not touch the glass jar. Only mom or dad can move it. I had to come up with a spot that I could not see it everywhere I went. So, the upstairs bathroom was his home for a little while. I did let him take it in his room and meet the fish (Jr. you know like Dale;)) Lawson got to meet him too.

The day goes on and we head upstairs to play for a bit before Lawson's nap time. Mac goes in the bathroom and shuts the door. Lawson asks me if she can see the snake. I say, "sure." We walk in there and Mac says, "I think he is taking a nap." Oh no, Oh no, he is DEAD. I felt horrible. I felt horrible for this little innocent snake. My husband had poked holes in the jar. He had grass and a stick. He even had a paper towel soaked in water.

I said to Mac, "Son, he has passed away. I am so sorry." Tears. Tears flowing like a river. On the floor sobbing from Mac. I felt horrible for him and the snake. I try to calm him down and he is just sobbing. He wanted a new little pet even if it was for just today. I explained to him that we would take him outside and bury him after I put Lawson to bed.

I put Lawson to bed. Then we proceeded outside to bury the snake. We dump it out and Mac touches it and says, "Mom, you want to touch it too?" I had been talking to him about how I was working on my fear of snakes, so this was the perfect opportunity to teach. I touched the snake. I touched it. It wasn't that bad. I really did feel bad for the snake.

So, as the day has progressed I have thought about all that has been going on in my life this week. Salmonella, broken toe, school out, no pool, etc. Feeling sorry for myself. Complaining to my friend(s). Then as I was taking a shower, I thought about that snake. I thought about Satan. I thought about the story Mac and I had talked about a few minutes earlier about Jesus when He was tempted by Satan while He was fasting. I thought about the snake in the Garden. Then, while I was washing I washed off the stamp that Mac had put on my hand yesterday. It was 3 crosses and above it it said, "He is Risen."

I have the Seal of Jesus on my heart. I can wash this stamp off because, He is in my heart. I have to fight the Snake everyday. Every moment. Every second. I will always be fighting Satan. But, that Seal is there and It will never go away. He has eased my fear. He has eased my anxiousness. He has taken away my panic. For right now. For this moment it is gone. I see Him. Not, all my failures and insecurities. I am choosing to see myself as exactly the person He created me to be. The person that He knows is trying so hard to cling to Him. To FLEE from Satan. Thank you, Lord.

Please forgive me for complaining today. Please forgive me for feeling sorry for myself. Please forgive me for not looking to You for comfort and security. Please help me to cling to Your PROMISES and call on You for help.

James 4:7-10 (New International Version)

7Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

Bugs

Mac loves bugs. Anything that is alive in nature captivates him. He is amazed by animals. In the first picture, he has found and earwig, some kind of white bug that I have never seen before and a slug. Lawson has taken to loving critters too. It is so funny to hear her say to her brother, "I want to see the white bug." Of course, it is a 2 year old so it is funnier sounding than that!

Then when I put Lawson down, we went outside to do a scavenger hunt for bugs with my camera. We didn't find too many and I told him it was because it is so hot outside that they are all hiding or looking for water. We did find that really pretty flower blooming in the yard.

Lawson was diagnosed with Salmonella. Yes. Thankfully she no longer has the fever or really bad diarrhea. But, we are confined to our house for the next few days. I was kind of anxious about it, but we have had a really great day. This is day 2 in the house. Now we need to spray the back yard for mosquito's...because they are BAD. Please say a little prayer that her test comes back negative in the next few days!

Red Bird, Red Bird

Most of the blogs that I frequent, are amazing God loving women that have a gift for writing. Writing is not a gift of mine, but oh how I wish that I could;) I read the book, "The Shack" recently and was really moved by it. It is a Christian fiction book, it really started me thinking about a lot of things. Especially about God, The Holy Spirit and Jesus. It has made me look for Them a little more.

Well, one day I was running and all the sudden I looked out of the corner of my eye and saw the most beautiful red bird sitting on a branch. Actually, I think I saw it fly and land on the branch. I immediately thought of Jesus. Seeing Jesus in that bird. It took my breathe away. Literally. I thought to myself. He is telling me that He is always with me even if I don't sense it. I mean it was a red bird. RED. Maybe this symbolizes His blood that was shed for me. Me. You. Wow, and let me tell you that almost everyday since, I have seen a red bird. I was thinking about it this morning on my run(which was so painful and miserable by the way;). I didn't see one. And I wasn't looking the whole time. Mainly, when I so wanted to stop. I didn't stop and I kept plugging along. But, I knew that I would see one at some point. Maybe not today, maybe tomorrow. But, the vision of the first one I saw is forever imprinted in my brain.

But, as I went to let my dog in from outside I saw one. Actually I saw 2. The female and the male. Just for a second. But, long enough for me to be in total AWE. I am just so thankful. Thankful that I can see Him in the red bird. But, what I really need to do is see Him in everything. All the time.

Thank you, Jesus for revealing yourself to me in such a simple way. Thank you for reminding me of Your UNFAILING love for me! Red bird, red bird what do you see? I see Jesus looking at me:)

Satisfy us in the morning with Your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. Psalms 90:14

Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet My unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed, says the Lord, who has compassion on you. Isaiah 54:10

Reading

My sweet boy is reading:) He came down tonight with his daddy to show me! I am so proud of him. I can't believe how big he is getting. Today was also the last day of Mac going to Eastminster. He will be starting Kindergarten on August 18th. How can this be? I had big tears in my eyes as we left school today. This is the close of one chapter and the beginning of another.

Mac, I am so proud of you son. I love you soooooo much!

Jesus again

My sweet Lawson is just so precious to me. Leighton and I alternate putting the kids to sleep, so tonight was my night. But, actually I always look forward to putting her to sleep. We rock and read for awhile. Then we turn the lights off and say our prayers. I have started singing to her Jesus Loves Me. I just close my eyes and hold her tight and sing. And let me tell you that singing is NOT a gift of mine;) While I sing I can hear her sucking on her thumb and feel her rubbing on her silky.

Tonight I must have sang it 10 times. She kept saying, "Jesus again, Jesus again". Of course it sounds like, "Zezus gan, Zezus gan"! So, tonight I sang it and sang it and finally the tears came strolling down my face while she was holding on to the cross on my neck.

"Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so, little ones to Him belong they are weak but He is strong. Yes, Jesus loves me, yes Jesus loves me, yes Jesus loves me...the Bible tells me so".

Miller Grace...

Happy Birthday in Heaven, sweet girl! Words cannot express the impact that your little life had on me. Even though I don't know you or your family, you touched my heart and soul. I have come to know you and your family through the blog that your mama started about you. Your mama and daddy miss you so. So do your sisters. But, we do know where you are:) Heaven. A place that your little life has made me long for a little more.

Thank you Lord, for Miller Grace. Please give her a big hug and a kiss from me. Also, please wrap your arms around her sweet family here on earth.

Grace

GRACE by Laura Story

My heart is so proud. My mind is so unfocused.
I see the things You do through me as great things I have done. And now You gently break me, then lovingly You take me and hold me as my father and mold me as my maker.

Chorus:
I ask you: How many times will you pick me up, when I keep on letting you down?
And each time I will fall short of Your glory, how far will forgiveness abound?
And you answer: My child, I love you.
And as long as you're seeking My face, You'll walk in the power of My daily sufficient grace.

At times I may grow weak and feel a bit discouraged, knowing that someone, somewhere could do a better job. For who am I to serve You?I know I don' t deserve You. And thats the part that burns in my heart and keeps me hanging on.

Chorus*
I ask you: How many times will you pick me up, when I keep on letting you down?
And each time I will fall short of Your glory, how far will forgiveness abounds?
And you answer: my child, I love you.
And as long as you're seeking My face, You'll walk in the power of My daily sufficient grace.
You are so patient with me, Lord.

As I walk with You, I'm learning what Your grace really means. The price that I could never pay was paid at Calvary. So, instead of trying to repay You, I'm learning to simply obey You
by giving up my life to you For all that You've given to me.

Chorus:
I ask you: How many times will you pick me up, when I keep on letting you down?
And each time I will fall short of Your glory, how far will forgiveness abounds?
And you answer: My child, I love you.
And as long as you're seeking My face, You'll walk in the power of My daily sufficient grace.

Captivity

I just started Beth Moore's "Breaking Free" a few days ago and let me just say...WOW! For 2 years now I have been learning about Jesus and deepening my relationship with Him. If you look back at some of my posts it will give you a little glimpse at what I have been struggling with. Short story. My real father Joe is a drug addict. There has been a lot of mental and verbal abuse since I was very young. Also, witnessing some violence. I have not had any contact with him over the past 2 years. I truly believe it has been a way for the Lord to heal a broken, devastated heart. I have an amazing step father Gregg, who I call dad:) But, there has always been a longing for a relationship with Joe. A good and loving relationship. Brokenhearted is what I have been. Consumed in my own grief and loss of a parent. Loss of a parent who I believed just didn't love me. Why?

Beth Moore defines captivity as, "A Christian is held captive by anything that hinders the abundant and effective Spirit-filled life God planned for him or her." I have known for a while now that I have been in bondage to the loss and broken heart of my father. But, reading this. You are not going to believe what I did(well yes you are because the Lord can do anything;)). I left the pool yesterday with Mac and came home. Put on Tom and Jerry for him and walked out on the porch and called my dad. I called Joe. It has been 2 years since I have spoken to him. Two years of dealing with more than I ever wanted to deal with. Our conversations went as follows:

"Hello"
"Dad"
"Yes"
"This is Allison"
"Hey"
"I am just calling to tell you that I love you. I know that we haven't spoken in two years, but there isn't a day that I haven't thought about you."
"I love you too. I know you and Amelia have your reasons. But, I love you both."
"In the past two years I have found Jesus and He is really working on my heart and I am realizing my own sin and my need for Him."
"You know Paw isn't doing well"
"Yes"
"Bea is really feeling guilty for putting him in the nursing home."
"I know. I really enjoyed my time with Bea. I took lots of pictures of the farm and I will send them to you. They are all of places we love about the farm."
"Ok"
"I love you"
"I love you, too"
"Bye"
"Bye"

Glory be to God. He is the only One who could have orchestrated this occasion. The Only One. I felt immediate relief. Pressure taken off my broken heart. Relief from years of bondage to this pain. Joe gave me a few things out of the conversation. He knows why we don't have any communication. He is protecting us from his sickness. What a gift. He does love me. He just doesn't "know" how to love. He was not mean to me. He didn't make me cry with hurtful words. He was able to give me what I needed to be free. The Lord freed me from the anger and bitterness that I have been clinging too.

I can also now say that I have truly forgiven Joe. That in itself is a very freeing feeling, a feeling that can only come from the love of Christ. I will leave this with one of the memory verses for this study:

Isaiah 61:1-4 (New International Version)

1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners, ^[a]

2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,

3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.

Here is my family:) God is so good to me! I am so thankful and grateful for Leighton. He has been such a rock for me the past 2 years. We have grown so much closer.

He is the best daddy in the world:) He loves me unconditionally and oh, the kids. Tears well up in my eyes thinking about the love he has for them. Happy Father's Day, Leighton! We went to church this morning and we are going to Congaree Swamp to walk around and explore. We are really excited. I am taking my camera and hope to take some awesome pictures:)

Safe

Safe. Safe in the arms of my Savior. He is healing my heart and soul and body. I am turning from fear to His arms. Safety in His arms. Thank you Natalie Grant for writing a song that "really" sums up how the Lord is healing me. Thank you. I am coming out of hiding and putting my blog out there for people to read. I am humbled at how the Lord has used some painful stuff to draw me to Him. I am forever grateful for my Heavenly Father:) I am not afraid anymore.

How did you know that im all alone, today
Oh I feel so scared and I wanna go away
I bleed so deep underneath
my soul is screaming

Im not gonna hide
im not gonna run away
ill uncover the scars and show you every mistake
your love is mending my blisters and the brusing shame
here with you
I am safe

Drown in the tears wont make it go away
its robbing my soul so im taking this mask off my face, yea
to discover love and uncover all it means to live and breathe

im not gonna hide
im not gonna run away
ill uncover the scars and show you every mistake
youre love is mending my blisters and the bruising shame
here with you
i am safe
i am safe
i am safe
i am safe

when you uncover i discover
I am not afraid
but when were hiding
we end up fighting
to be, safe
yea

im not gonna hide
im not gonna run away
ill uncover the scares and show you every mistake
your love is mending my blisters and my brusing shame
here with you
i am safe
i am safe
i am safe
i am safe

I am Safe

He said it again..

Today I took Mac to rent a few movies. It is so hot here that I figure we will be at the pool or inside;) When we pulled it he said, "I can't wait to go to Heaven." I said, "Me too." He said, "I can't wait to see God." Wow. I love this little guy. He has such a sweet heart and really loves the Lord. He reminds me daily of my need for the Lord.

Dear God,

Thank you letting me have Mac in my life. Thank you for knitting him together in my womb. Thank you for his sweet little spirit. Please Lord, protect him and keep him in the palm of your hand, always. Please help me put my full trust in You to take care of him and protect him. I know I am not in control. You are. You choose when we leave this earth. Let me be thankful everyday and every night I get to spend on this earth with my loved ones of whom you have given to me:)

"Really Living"

First, I want to say that I read an amazing ladies blog and it is called, "Really Living". Reading her blog has made me think about a lot of things. Thank you, Emily:) The past two years have been such a growing and learning experience and I am having a hard time even grasping how my life has changed. Changed for the better. It seems to me that before I became a Christian a year and a half ago I wasn't "Really Living", I was just surviving. Surviving, just getting by, not truly happy, not content, complacent, angry, super temperamental, judgmental, jealous, eager to be the winner all the time at what ever the cost.......the list could go on and on.

Oh, but what I know now. Oh, what I feel now is so different. I feel Jesus. I hear Jesus. I long for Jesus. He is the reason my life has changed. I feel as if I am "Really Living". I am truly enjoying this life He has blessed me with. Even though it has been filled with trials and suffering, HE has brought me through it. Brought me out better than before and filled with His powerful Hope. Hope is something that truly helps me. His hope has brought me through the roughest of days. Days when I thought that I might not be able to breathe. Thinking that the panic would just destroy me. But, it hasn't. It has brought me so much closer to my Lord.

For the past week, every single night I have dreamed about Joe. Every single night. I guess there will always be a secret longing for the love of my earthly father. I know that Jesus is my Heavenly Father and better than I ever deserve. It still hurts. That is the bottom line. I believe that I will always grieve the loss of Joe. The what ifs. But today, "I will trust and not be afraid" Isaiah 12:2. I trust. I hope. I cling to Him. That is "Really Living". Really Living for the Lord. Oh, how I love this life so much better. Thank you, Lord. Thank you.

Even though some days I feel like I am just surviving. I know I am surviving with a different kind of hope. A hope that is resting in God's promise to me through His word and His Spirit. I am confident in this. He was there when He created me in my mother's womb. He was there when I saw things I should have never seen. He was there when I felt like no one would rescue me. He was there. He still is here with me now. He always has been. He knows everything before it even happens to me.

I will continue to seek Your face, Lord. When I wake in the morning. I need to seek You moment by moment. Second by second. I long for You. You are the Only One who can calm my fears. Take away my hurt. Wipe away my tears. Take away my fears. Give me hope. Encourage me to endure more so I know You better. Put a smile on my face. And turn my face to Yours.

I am content and happy with this life You have given me. I would want it no other way. That is right. I am thankful for all the hurts because they have led me to You. The joy far outweighs the sadness. Knowing that all of the suffering here on earth is just part of living in a fallen world. But, longing to be with You. Knowing that I can be with You in Spirit here is such a comfort.

So, are you "Really Living"? If so, isn't it so much better? :)

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" Romans 15:13

boogers

Ok, so today I got all cute with my new haircut. Went a few places and then when I was in the drive thru at Zoe's I looked at my shoulder to see the biggest green dried booger you have ever seen. I just chuckled to myself because I was thinking I kind of had it together and really i didn't at all. Just shows me to not think so highly of myself...hehe!

Curly Lolly

I mean her curls just make me smile.....really big:) I also love that her baby picture is in the background!

Get your fix:)

Oh, how I love them so:)

My 5 year old

Mac has loved his scooter, Momma! He loves riding it with his friend Mason:) We are so ready for Spring! We are also ready for Disney! Just didn't want to leave him out:)

My sweet girl:)

I love her so:) She is just such a sweet girl and so full of life! I can't believe I actually wanted another boy. God knew exactly what He was doing when He created her:)

I know I haven't started a baby book for her, but I have been trying to be better about taking pictures. I know I use this blog to get out some serious stuff, but wanted to lighten the load today:)

Isaiah 12:2

"I will trust and not be afraid".

Thank you Lord, for leading me to this scripture this week. I repeated this numerous times a day and I have made it. Made it through a really rough week. One that I thought could not pass by quick enough. Monday was a day of anxious thoughts for me. Not feeling quite right. I was able to get in to see my doctor and she changed my medicine. I was also able to see my therapist two times this week. I am so thankful that Anna and Gregg were here. We had such a good time:)

It seems that my body physiologically does not know how to handle stress or fears. So, when I feel these emotions is when I get anxious and nothing seems to make sense. All because of what happened that day at the farm with Joe. It changed me. Now, I have to confront some very painful things in order to move on. To move forward. I am trusting. I am trusting in Him. I give Him the glory. I am not angry in the least. If anything I am looking forward to this journey and discovering more about my Lord. I am finding that I am looking to Him more and more everyday. And everyday is a little bit better. It is still hard, but that is life in the fallen world.

Today in church, Dr. Ferguson preached on "What is the chief end of man?" The chief end of man is to glorify Him and enjoy Him forever. I love this. I love it, because everything we do should be to glorify God. And in glorifying Him we enjoy Him. This is what I am working towards. I want nothing more than to delight and enjoy our Lord even if it means that I have to go through the suffering to do this.

"I will trust and not be afraid."

Thank you Lord, for being with me this week. Thank you for leading me to the right people to help me get through the hard stuff. Thank you for letting me know that everything is going to be ok, and if it isn't ever totally fixed that I can trust in You and You will take care of me. I want to live a joyful life in You. I want to glorify You. You are the only One that can do what You have done in my life. The Only One. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Gratitude

I woke up this morning to go to Spartanburg to run in Caroline's 5k. So, I was on the road this morning at 6:30 am. What a sweet and precious time with my Lord. Oh, how He is working in my heart. I have been really struggling the past few days. I thought I put my finger on what it was at my counseling session the other day. Monday is my birthday. My second birthday where I have not heard from Jo/e. The second year that I haven't spoken to him. Now, don't get me wrong. I have no desire to talk to him. I know the Lord is protecting me from him.

So, on my peaceful ride this morning I let the Lord in. Why do I keep holding on to this pain that Joe has caused me? Why can't I let it go? Am I not trusting in Him enough? What? What is it Lord? Oh my sweet Lord revealed it to me this morning. I don't now how to be accepting of His love for me. I don't, never known how to be accepting of other's love for me. How could He love me that much? Really? It is like I can't wrap my head around it. I believe it, but so hard to feel His grace and mercy. I look more at myself to fix it than to Him. He is telling me to look to Him, not me. Not Allison. Jesus. He loved me so much that He dies for me and you. He created me just the way He wanted me. He knows my heart. He knows how hard headed I am. How hard I am going to fight until I get my way. My way is not His ways. His ways are better, sweeter more precious than I could ever imagine.

Thank you my sweet Lord, for loving me so much just the way I am. Please teach me to be accepting of YOUR love for me. Please help me not to define myself as who I think I should be or what others feel about me, but for who you created me to be. For some reason I have been fighting You off, even though that is not what I want. I will look to You. I have to train myself to not be so consumed with Me. It isn't about me, it is about You. Your love and how amazing it truly is. I was thirsty for You this morning and I felt You with me all the way to Spartanburg. I will continue to thirst for you, Lord. I am forever changed and for that I am so grateful.

Nichole Nordeman's Gratitude

Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

(Chorus)

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain

Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time
Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

(Chorus)

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead And if we never taste that bread

Oh, the differences that often are between
What we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case . . .

(Chorus)

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace

But Jesus, would You please . . .

Thank you, Lord for meeting me in my car today. You were saying things to me through music. Jeremy Camp's song, Take You Back really it me hard. It hit me hard because for some reason the rejection of my earthly father made me think that You would only love me if.....I were perfect, if I did things better and if i didn't You wouldn't love me. Joe rejection gave me a warped perception on who You really are, who you created me to be. But, when I fall, You forgive me and love me anyway. You take me back everyday over and over again. You meet me in my pain and I am so thankful for that, because I truly believe You are the Only one who CAN do that. I know that in this pain I draw closer to You......I am trying to lay it down for You. Letting it go, trusting in You and seeking Your face.....not mine.

The reason why I stand
The answer lies in you
You hung to make me strong
Though my praise was few
When I fall I bring your name down
But I have found in you
A heart that bleeds forgiveness
replacing all these thoughts of painful memories
But I know that your response will always be

I'll take you back always
Even when your fight is over now (x2)
I'll take you back always
Even when the pain is coming through (x2)
I'll take you back

You satisfy this cry
Of what I'm looking for
And I'll take all I can
And lay it down before
The throne of endless grace now that radiates what's true
I'm in the only place that
erases all these faults
That have overtaken me
But I know that your response will always be

I'll take you back always
Even when your fight is over now(x2)
I'll take you back always
Even when the pain is coming through(x2)
I'll take you back

I can only speak with a grateful heart
As I'm pierced by this gift of your love
I will always bring an offering
I can never thank you enough

You take me back always
Even when my fight is over now (x2)
You take me back always
Even when my pain is coming through(x2)
You take me back (repeat these 5 lines twice)

A letter to us from God

My Child,
I know everything about you…Psalm 139:1
I know when you sit down and when you rise up…Psalm 139:2
I am familiar with all of your ways…Psalm 139:3
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered…Matthew 10:29-31
For you were made in my image…Genesis 1:27
In me you live and move and have your being…Acts 17:28
For you are my offspring…Acts 17:28
I chose you when I planned creation…Ephesians 1:11-12
I knew you even before you were conceived…Jeremiah 1:4-5
I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live…Acts 17:26
You are fearfully and wonderfully made…Psalm 139:14
I knit you together in your mother’s womb…Psalm 139:13
And brought you forth on the day you were born…Psalm 71:6
You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. Psalm 139:15-16
I have been misrepresented by those who don’t know me…John 8:41-44
I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love…1 John 4:16
And it is my desire to lavish my love on you…1 John 3:1
Simply because you are my child and I am your father…Matthew 7:11
For I am the perfect father…Matthew 5:48
Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand…James 1:17
For I am your provider and I meet all your needs…Matthew 6:31-33
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope…Jeremiah 29:11
Because I love you with an everlasting love…Jeremiah 31:3
My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore. Ps. 139:17-18
And I rejoice over you with singing…Zephaniah 3:17
I will never stop doing good to you…Jeremiah 32:40
For you are my treasured possession…Exodus 19:5
I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul…Jeremiah 32:41
And I want to show you great and marvelous things…Jeremiah 33:3
If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me…Deuteronomy 4:29
Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart…Psalm 37:4
For it is I who gave you those desires…Philippians 2:13
I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine…Ephesians 3:20
For I am your greatest encourager…2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles…2Corinthians 1:3-4
When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you…Psalm 34:18
As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart…Isaiah 40:11
One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes…Revelation 21:3-4
And I’ll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth…Revelation 21:3-4
I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus…John 17:23
For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed…John 17:26
He is the exact representation of my being…Hebrews 1:3
He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you…Romans 8:31
And to tell you that I am not counting your sins…2 Corinthians 5:18-19
Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled…2 Corinthians 5:18-19
His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you… 1 John 4:10
I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love…Romans 8:31-32
If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me…1 John 2:23
And nothing will ever separate you from my love again…Romans 8:38-39
I have always been Father, and will always be Father…Ephesians 3:14-15
Come home and I’ll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen…Luke 15:7
Love, Your Abba, Almighty God

The Dash by Linda Ellis

The Dash Poem

by Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end

He noted that first came the date of her birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years

For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not how much we own;
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard.
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what’s true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read
With your life’s actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

©1996 Linda Ellis

<<< Click Here to Read What Inspired Linda to write The Dash

Heaven

Leighton lost his grandfather yesterday. Granddaddy Mac was 93 years old. I am so thankful that we got to see him 2 weeks ago for his birthday! Leighton told me yesterday that after he got the call from his dad that it was going to be soon, he dreamed about Granddaddy. He said it was a vivid dream. So vivid that he wrote about it in his journal. How amazing is that? Leighton went to Savannah yesterday and spent some time with him and got to tell him goodbye.

Leighton said that the chaplain came and prayed with them. The chaplain said that they had talked before and he asked Granddaddy about the Lord and was reading some scriptures and that when he stopped, Granddaddy finished them. That makes my soul rejoice.

Last night at the dinner table we were talking to Mac and talking about how Granddaddy was going to heaven to be with Jesus. He asked about heaven and we told him how wonderful it is. No one hurts, no one is sad and everyone is happy because they are with Jesus. He said, "I want to go!" talk about the tears.........Leighton said, "well we aren't ready for you to go and only God knows when that will happen".

Heaven is not somewhere I am scared of anymore. I look forward to it. I can't wait. But, I am going to enjoy my time here on earth while I can. Enjoy my husband, my children, my family and my friends. Love more because He loves me and has blessed me beyond words.

transformation

The past couple of days I have just been in awe of my Lord. He just keeps reminding me of so many things. So, many things that it is hard to wrap my head around them. I feel like I need to write them down to remember them all. I don't want to forget. My memory has seemed to fade since I had children. I don't know if it is my ADD or what but I read it, I believe it and just can't remember everything.

Ok, I picked up 2 African American people the other day and took them to where they needed to go. I went to pay for Lawson's school and the woman was asking for food. I walked out behind her and she asked me to give her and her "friend" a ride. She then proceeded to tell me he just got out of prison and she was HIV positive.

My heart was racing. Pounding actually. I wanted to help so badly. But, I was so scared. The social worker came out in me and I asked her all kinds of questions. I didn't have any cash to give them for a cab. I told her that I couldn't because of the carseats in my car. I really had the whole 3rd row available. I got in my car.

I thought, I am scared but the Lord has been so good to me, I am CONFIDENT that He will take care of me. I got out of my car and told them to get in, amongst the mess. I told her that the Lord has been so good to me. She said that she asked others and one girl told her that she was just too scared. I said, I am too but I trust in the Lord. She proceeded to say that the reason why they were having trouble was because of family. I said, "I know how that is" referring to Joe. We continued to talk. I could smell the alcohol. I told them that my dad(Joe) is an addict. She said, "Oh, i have struggled with that my whole life".

We talked about the Lord, it felt so good to talk about Him with people I didn't even know. Because in some ways I am scared to talk to others about my faith. But, I believe that it was Him revealing to me the power that He has in taking care of me. they asked me where i went to church. We talked about how the Lord loves you even when you mess up as long as you repent.

I dropped them off at a police substation. She said, "I am Linda Doctor and I am going to pray for you father." I wished them luck and drove off.

On my way back to my house I had tears streaming down my face. There are so many people that are suffering in this world. But, I know that is where My Lord, does the best work. I look for Him all the time. What He is teaching me? Loving Him more and more everyday. Transforming. My life is being transformed by Him. By His Holy Spirit. I am happier than I have ever been. I am almost looking for the trials, to help keep me grounded and strong in my love for Him.

Romans 5:3-5

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us".

Mac

Ok, yesterday was a hard day. I went to pick up Mac and i get this look from Ms. Regina....you know the look. She told me that Mac was making faces at his friend's on the play ground. He had to have timeout there. I told her thank you for telling me. Mac told her he was sorry. Well, we got in the car and he said, "I need to pray to God....cry cry". I said, "Ok, I think that is a good idea." He said, "Dear God, please forgive me for making faces at my friend's, in Jesus' name amen". Then we talked about how we all make mistakes, but God still loves us and I still love him too. Then I told him that he could never do anything to cause me to make me not love him. He said, "I love you, Mom".

You might ask why I tell you this. But, this happens to be probably some of the sweetest times I have with him when we talk about God. This morning he said to me, "Mom do you know why I praise the Lord?" I said, "No, tell me". He said, "Because I love Him". Oh, my talk about my heart just swelling up:) I said that was why I praised Him too.

Thank you, Lord. Thank you that your mercies are new every morning. Thank you for my children. Thank you for letting me see You at work in my little boy.

Favorite song right now.....

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It’s unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow.
The wise hand opens slowly to lillies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

We'd be held....

This is what it is to be loved.
And to know, that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held.

This is what it means to be held

I don't know why but I am drawn to people that have suffered a great loss or some tragic circumstance. Part of it is that is what I love to do. Help others. Help others that are less fortunate than me. Whether it was me going into the projects to help some of the younger girls get the services they needed. Or taking thanksgiving dinner to a family that didn't have any money for their Thanksgiving dinner. To praying with that family all holding hands in a circle. To taking kids on prison tours. Or helping friend's that were having a hard time. Helping is just something that has always made me feel good. Feeling good that I have done something to help someone else.

That is what I did for 6 years in the working world. I haven't worked since I had Mac. There has been a part of me that missed that independence. It wasn't until recently that the Lord convicted me that my place is at home right now. i can't believe that it took almost 5 years to be ok with it, but I am.

I love this song because it describes what it is like to be Held by Him. I have felt like the Lord has had me in the palm of his hand for the past year. I don't think that I have ever experienced this before. Well, obviously not because I wasn't saved until last year. I have been reading some blogs from some very special ladies that have lost their children. This happens to be one of my greatest fears. Losing a child. I just can't imagine. Their strength and hope in the Lord amazes me. When I read their blogs I feel like the Lord is just speaking to me. My circumstances are different in so many ways, but we have a common bond and that is the Lord. I am so thankful and grateful for them. They have taught me so much. So much about life and about Jesus.