Friday, September 26, 2008

Look mommy, a bird!

Today I heard Lawson say, "Look mommy, bird, bird!" So, I ran to the front door secretly knowing it was going to be the "red bird". And it was! He is so beautiful. I am going to have to try to get a picture of him. Thank you, Lord for the gentle reminder of Your presence in my life. Not just when I see a red bird, but all the time:)

Wednesday, September 10, 2008


Lord, I sing praises to You this morning.
You have lifted a heavy burden off my heart.
You have made known my unbelief in my heart.

But, through You, Your comfort and love have led me to Your Word and Your Truth.
You love me. No if's, and's or but's about it.
You don't look at me with negative eyes, You see the good.

Lord, open my eye's even more to Your goodness inside me.
Let me embrace You in me. So much so that thinking negatively about myself
will only be a remembrance of the past.

A past that has drawn me closer and closer to You.
The One and Only who gives me life.
A life that I am so thankful and grateful for.

Thank you for letting me experience true love from my dear husband.
Thank you for the two beautiful children you have given me.
Thank you for redeeming my past.
Thank you for letting me come to Your Heavenly Throne without the fear of condemnation.

Thank you for Your Son, Jesus. Thank you for sacrificing Your only Son so that I could live.
I only want Your Glory and Your Splendor revealed through my life. All the pain and uncertainty
can and will bring You Glory!

Your daughter, through Christ, Amen.

Psalm 3

Psalm 3

Save Me, O My God
A Psalm of David,(A) when he fled from Absalom his son.
1O LORD, how many are my foes!
Many are rising against me;
2many are saying of my soul,
there is no salvation for him in God.

3But you, O LORD, are a shield about me,
my glory, and the lifter of my head.
4I cried aloud to the LORD,
and he answered me from his holy hill.

5I lay down and slept;
I woke again, for the LORD sustained me.
6I will not be afraid of many thousands of people
who have set themselves against me all around.

7 Arise, O LORD!
Save me, O my God!
For you strike all my enemies on the cheek;
you break the teeth of the wicked.

8 Salvation belongs to the LORD;
your blessing be on your people!

This first part of this post is what I wrote to the Lord this morning in my quiet time. The Psalm is what Dr. Ferguson preached on today at lunch. The previous post, "Spiritual Warfare" is what has been going on in my brain for the past few weeks. I even kept it private until today. I posted it because I wanted to show how the Lord revealed Himself to me. He can do anything:)

Dr. Ferguson said there are 4 different medicines we can take out of this Psalm 3:
1. Tell God about the situation. Write it out. Cast our burden on Him. He PROMISED to bear it for us.

2. Began to sense God with him(David). To have an ongoing consciousness that He is with you.
There is a shield ABOUT you, 360 degree shield around you. My glory, and the lifter of my head......oh, how sweet is that picture:) How comforting to picture Him touching my chin and making me look at HIM.

3. Realizes not to be afraid. You are completely safe. The strength of the Lord is about me. Dr. Ferguson also talked about sleep and how Jesus slept through the storm and was awakened by Simon Peter. He also said, "When we are helped through distress we can point others to the Lord."

4. We see a biblical "brave heart"(7-8). David is saying, "Establish Your Kingdom here, with me."
"Arise, O Lord! Save me, O my God! For YOU strike all my enemies on the cheek; YOU break the teeth of the wicked. Salvation belongs to the Lord; Your blessing be on Your people."(7-8)

Coincidence that I wrote to the Lord this morning? Oh, no. Providentially. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Spiritual Warfare

Why is it, once I think I understand something or "get it"....something else happens. The Lord has been working in me for a long time. He has done amazing things in my life. I am in AWE of His Power, Glory, really everything about Him intrigues me. I want to know more about Him. But, I am struggling. I don't know if it is unbelief. I think so. But, what is so crazy is that I REALLY do believe Him at His Word. Every word. I understand it. I feel it. But, some of it I don't.

A lot stims from childhood. My whole life I wanted Joe's love, attention and acceptance. But, it was never unconditional. There was always a catch. If I went to see him more, he was a little bit nicer to me and wouldn't say hateful things to me. Or he wouldn't make me feel so guilty. But, even if he was nicer, I was always looking for the bad. The bad is what I expected. I do remember some of the good. But the bad always stuck more than the good. Maybe this warfare is against damage done, and Him undoing it for me. I do trust that this is in His plan and His will for my life. I am looking for His Glory in this. Because, He always reveals it to me in some way.

Memories of crying for him. He not showing up(again). Not understanding. I was 5 or 6. This continued throughout my life. I just expected it. Disappointment. Hurt. Anger. Frustration. It is almost an innate response I have. Even though I accepted Jesus as my Savior almost 2 years ago, it is so hard to wrap my mind around His unfailing love for me. Crazy. It is a constant war in my brain. Trying to figure it out. Let the hurt go and just believe it. Believe Him at His word. But, I do. I truly do believe. I love Him so.

I know that He put Joe in my life for a reason. Probably to draw me closer to Him and realize that He is my true Father. I know Joe is sick. I pray for him all the time. I have truly forgiven him. Wednesday is his birthday. I usually get kind of anxious around any significant date. The last time was my birthday back in March. That was hard because it was the 2 nd birthday that he had not even acknowledged my birth. Then this summer I contacted him. The Lord really used that to heal my heart in some ways. But, it still hurts.

I just have so many questions. Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel like I am under attack? Why won't it stop? I am praying, but am I not praying the right way? Am I not confessing my sin, or do i not know exactly what the sin is? Am I in bondage to sin? Even though I know Jesus nailed my sins to the cross. I know that. Why can't I release it? Oh, Lord please protect me from satan.

I have these unrational fears. Fears that I am going to be like him. False. Not true. I am a new creation. I do have an anxiety disorder and ADD, but I am not mentally ill or addict like him. I love my children. I have trained myself to love them and it is easy now. Truly. The Lord has truly blessed me with such affectionate children. My life now is not the life that I lived. He has redeemed my past. He is healing me. I know it. I believe it. I just want the warfare to stop. Please, Lord forgive me for my unbelief. But, You know my heart. You know that I love You more than anything. I long to see you.