Around this time of year, I am constantly reminded of how God saved me. On May 17th my sweet Lawson will be 3 years old. A few weeks before she was born, I almost died. God had other plans for me and for that I am so thankful. I was about 32 weeks pregnant and I had to start insulin. I went into my OB/GYN and she was out that day so a different Dr. prescribed the insulin for me. Mac was with me and I remember him saying, "Mommy, I have to go poo poo!" The dr. wrote the prescription and the nurse came in to show me what to do. I was so distracted and the nurse said that someone would be calling me from the Diabetes Center to set up an appointment. Needless to say, I had given myself shots to get pregnant twice....so I was just like, Ok....I can do this.
Pregnancy with Lawson was filled with issues. Starting at 20 weeks I started to have blood in my stool. I had just finished a Z pack for a sinus infection. It only got worse from there. I ended up having to have a colonoscopy. I can't even tell you how horrible that was. The Dr. called to tell me I had Chrohn's Disease and I needed to start taking prednisone. I was very resistant because my sister had taken it before and she swelled up and it was just hard to think of having to go on this drug. So, one day later Leighton had to drive me to the Emergency Room because I was in so much pain. It was a pain that I can't even explain. I thought I was dying. The whole ride to the hospital I had my eyes shut and was moaning. Mac was with us, unfortunately. They finally got me over the the Ob floor. A Dr. came in to see me and I threw up all over him. Then it all happened so fast. Ultrasounds and they couldn't find anything. They gave me heavy doses of pain meds and it didn't even help. So, that is when they started pumping me full of prednisone. It is a miracle drug in some ways. It is the only thing that made me start to feel better. Prednisone raises your insulin levels, so that is why I had to start taking insulin.
So, night 2 on the insulin, I woke up and stammered to the bathroom and almost couldn't make it back to the bed. I almost fainted. Leighton got me crackers and juice and I finally came out of it. I called my OB that morning. She called me back to up my insulin from 4 units to 8 units. She also said that the Diabetes Counselor would be calling me that day. Around 4:30 the Diabetes Counselor called me. We talked for a little bit and then she told me to go and get my syringes. I looked at the syringes and fell to my knees. The pharmacy had give me 100 unit syringes. I was suppose to be taking 4 units of insulin and I had been taking 40 units of insulin for 2 nights in a row. Then that night I would have taken 80 units of insulin. We would have died. No question about it. Then the lady tells me that she usually leaves every day at 4 pm. This was 5 pm by now.
I knew it was God that had saved us. Confident it was Him. But, I still wasn't fully ready to submit to Him. He still had other plans for me. I ended up meeting with the diabetes counselor and regulated my sugars until Lawson was born. She was born at 36 weeks and 5 days. I had to have 2 amnios to see if her lungs were developed. A pregnant lady had lost her baby a year earlier at this same hospital and she had been on insulin. So, they were very precautious with me. Especially after the syringe incident. She was healthy and didn't have to spend time in the NICU at all.
Things were still not alright with me. I still felt kind of "off". I was so thankful and grateful. But, I was not connecting with her. I was starting to feel even more disconnected to Leighton and Mac too.
I will finish this later.....
I left off last entry about feeling disconnected. I am pretty sure I had postpartum depression from the beginning after Lawson was born, but I didn't break until she was 4 1/2 months old. I was participating in Bible Study Fellowship's study of Romans. Woah.....It really threw me for a loop. I guess it was my first dose of how really awful and sinful I was. After studying about 3 chapters, I lost it. Literally. Leighton had to drive me to an OB that I had never met before after having a full blown I can't breathe panic attack in the church parking lot. I thought I was going crazy. Truth is, I kind of was. There is blessing in suffering. I know that now. I did not know that then. I didn't know it then because I didn't know Christ. I believed in Him. I believed in God. I just didn't understand my need for Him.
Well, I was on my knees praying that He would save me from the pit of despair. I hate to even write about this because it takes me back to a place sometimes I would rather forget. But, I can't. He used my brokenness to heal me. After getting on some much needed medication and starting weekly counseling, things started to improve a little. I felt a little more connected. Truth be told is I wanted to leave. I wanted to leave my life and go somewhere, although I have no idea where I thought I was going to go. I didn't want to be with Leighton. I didn't want to be with Mac. I didn't want to be with Lawson. I was scared to say the least.
I had to get to the root of the problem. Leighton and I had grown apart. We grew apart because of built up resentment. Resentment on both parts. Not that one did more than the other. We were both at fault. We went through counseling and it helped so much. We had to work hard to forgive one another and move on from our past. The Lord really has redeemed and restored our marriage. For that I am so thankful for. I love him more now than I ever have. I feel close to him than I ever have. God used our resentment to draw us to Him.
Sin is the root of all evil. We all sin. We all far short. I am not scared to read Romans anymore. Now I try to look for my sin and call it out. Then repent of it. There are so many times I will be struggling and almost fighting to NOT to have to look at the sin. But, the sweet Lord always provides a way for me to dig kind of deep and not be scared. To confront my sin. Look at it, see where it came from and try to turn from it. Do I fail? You bet your bottom dollar(Oh, that is one of my favorite Annie songs...)But, this is part of sanctification. I will never be perfect this side of Heaven. No matter how hard I try. Never will I be perfect. Jesus is the Only One who was without sin. The One and Only One. He is the One and Only that I am trying so hard everyday to fix my eyes on. To see Him in everything. He nailed all of our sins to the cross. He looks at us as if we have never sinned. That is nothing short of amazing. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for the brokenness in my life. Thank you for the heartache and struggles. It is in brokenness that I feel closest to You. And it makes the times in my life where there isn't much hurt or pain more enjoyable:)
Proverbs 28:13 (New International Version)
13 He who conceals his sins does not prosper,
but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.
Isaiah 30:15 (New International Version)
15 This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says:
"In repentance and rest is your salvation,
in quietness and trust is your strength,
but you would have none of it.
1 John 1:9 (New International Version)
9If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
Paradoxes of the Kingdom
A Puritan prayer
Lord, you have brought me to the valley of vision
Where I live in the depths but see you in the heights;
hemmed in by the mountains of sin I behold your glory
Let me learn by paradox that the way down is the way up
that to be low is to be high
that the broken heart is the healed heart
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
that to have nothing is to possess all,
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
that to give is to receive,
that the valley is the place of vision.
Teach me, mold me and hold me. I know that Your ways are not my ways. Your thoughts are not my thoughts. Teach me more about Your word and draw me nearer....
In Jesus name, Amen