Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Meet me

where you are right now.
Looking back is slowly creeping its ugly way back.  
As we prepare to move,
The Lord is cleaning some stuff out of my heart.
Good and Bad.

Good.
Lawson decided to give up her thumb.
Great.
But, oh.my.word.
The whining and disobedience are full force.
I got all teary eyed last night because this is kind of huge.
Not to you.
But to me.
You see, La sucked her thumb in my belly.
I was convinced she didn't have a face.
I found out why when she was 3 months old.
Her thumb.
She loved her thumb.
I loved seeing her suck her thumb.
Some are grossed out by thumb suckers, 
but not moi.

I am so proud of her.
She is doing it!  
Maybe I was holding on to her sucking her thumb a little because of the hard pregnancy I had with her.
But, all things have changed since her birth.
I am not the same person I once was.

We are moving into a new house in 2 weeks.
Packing has been a struggle for me.
I am putting things off because I just don't want to go there.
But, I feel Him saying, "Just meet Me, Allison."
"Trust Me, Allison."

There is part of me that does want to meet Him.
There is part of me that does not want to meet Him.
Torn.  Conflicted.
I do know that when I do meet Him, I feel better.
So, here I am Lord.
Meeting You.
Here.
Right.
Now.
With open hands and a heart yearning for You.

I know this house doesn't define me.
You do.
I know my car (which is kind of Green Acre(ish)) doesn't define me.
You do.
My kids behavior doesn't define me.
You do.

Please Lord, help me be in the world and not of the world.
Help me cling to You and look to You for Your strength.
Not mine.
Because I lose every time.
Without You.

Forgive me for my coveting.
For my desiring things instead of You.
Forgive me for looking back with regret.
Forgive me for not seeing Your redemption and forgiveness.
Forgive me for not loving You with my whole heart.

Thank you for Your Word.
Thank You for Your Promises.
Thank You for Your grace and mercy.
Thank You, Jesus.
Thank You.

5 comments:

Margie said...

The last three paragraphs say what I've been wanting to say to the Lord all day. Thank you, Jesus, for your servant, Allison. :)

Lile said...

Thank you, Lord, for Allison's honesty and faith in you and the inspiration it is to me!

The Manager of Many said...

THANKS!

Bunco Belle said...

Love this!! These are real doubts and struggles we all have. The Lord understands and loves us and guides us through it all.

We are so excited you are moving closer to us!!!

Janet said...

I love you, Allison. So sorry we're not nearby to help you through this transition.
Praying for you!