Ebenezers

Ebenezers.

"stone of help."

Why do I forget?  Why is it that the Good that He has done sometimes fades in the background of everyday life?  When I know and believe in the core of my being, that He is Good.  And He wants Good for me.

Early on in my walk with Christ, someone told me about "raising your ebenezers."  I went searching in the Bible and found this:

Samuel took a large stone and placed it between the towns of Mizpah and Jeshanah. He named it Ebenezer—"the stone of help"—for he said, "Up to this point the Lord has helped us!" —1 Samuel 7:12, NLT

Right now I feel like one of the stones is being chipped and reshaped.  And it doesn't feel so great.  Life is just hard right now.  When things get hard is where sometimes I forget.  But, today I remember.  I am raising my Ebenezers in praise and worship of the One Who loves me more than I can think or imagine.  So, here are a few of my Ebenezers:

• the provision of marriage to my husband.
• the restoration and redemption of our marriage.
• my children get to experience life different than my early years.
• the longing of my real father replaced by my Heavenly father.
• a wonderful step father who loves me like his own.  What a gift.
• sister's in Christ, who lift and encourage me daily.  Who point me to the Lord by showing me His love.
• my real father asking for forgiveness at my grandmother's funeral.

There are so many more.  But, what an awesome way to start my day by remembering all He has done for me.  

This is an amazing blog post on Ebenezers.  

surprise.

Last night as I was putting Lawson to bed, I said to her, "Baby, I am so sorry for the way I talk to you sometimes."  Before I could say anything else she replied, "Momma, I love you all the way to the end of the sky.  Is there an end to the sky, momma?"

Oh, sweet child.  The lessons my children teach me daily force me to my knees.  Oh, how I try and try to do everything and be everything just right.

And fail.  Daily.  Minute.  By.  Minute.

But, I have a choice: I can claim God's Promise's and hear His whispers or I can choose to believe the lies.

There I was confessing my sin to my baby girl and she spoke love to me.  That is exactly what Jesus does.  He loves me.  He tenderly cares for my soul.  Gently brings me back.  Never harsh.  Demanding.  Condemning.

Love.  Tender.  Gentle.

Thank you, sweet Jesus for the ways you so graciously shower me with unexpected blessings. When I see Your face so clearly, I am reminded of Your deep love for me.

It's from the deepest wounds
That beauty finds a place to bloom 
And you will see before the end
That every broken piece is
Gathered in the heart of Jesus
And what's lost will be found again 
"Nothing is Wasted" by Jason Gray

Paul’s Prayer for Spiritual Growth

¹⁴ When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father,^[a] 15 the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth.^[b] 16 I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. ¹⁷ Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. ¹⁸ And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. ¹⁹ May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

²⁰ Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. ²¹ Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.

Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.  For watering the roots with my tears and growing and establishing Your Word and Love to the deepest part of my soul.  And binding up the broken places in my heart.  For Your kindness and tenderness toward me, the worst of sinners.  Thank you is not enough.  But, You are enough.  Only You.

756.  red birds that still take my breath away and the reminder that You are with me.
757.  friends who love and encourage me when i am not very lovable.
758.  seeing my nephew last week through skype and his adorable smile and kisses through the computer screen.
759.  sewing with a dear friend.
760.  a monday evening couch catch up with my homegirl.
761.  so many blessings.  and trying to see the blessings instead of fears feels better.  and right.

beyond

beyond failed expectations of myself and others
there is Love.
the kind of Love that will not let you go.

beyond not being able to do everything
there is Love
that can do ALL things.

beyond feeling overwhelmed
there is Love
that can carry our burdens.

beyond myself
there is Love
ready and able to pull us in and Love us right where we are.

beyond today
there is Love
that has tomorrow in His Hands.

dance.

Five Minute Friday.



The ocean.

Something about the ocean amazes and scares me.

Amazes me because God created it.

Scares me because of all creatures that swim around and I can't see them.

Everyone that is close to me knows that I don't go in unless I can see my toenail polish.  The image of the thousands of jellyfish that surrounded me as a child are too much sometimes.  I have missed out on much because of this fear of mine.

But, yesterday it called me in.

And I went.

All.By.Myself.

I stood there in the ocean for at least 30 minutes.  Amazed and not scared.  As I stood there all I could think about is how I was still standing.  The waves would knock me over and I got right back up.  Another one.  Another one.  Another one.  No nibbles on my toes.  No big shark fin popping out in front of me.  Only the beauty of the ocean before me.  And He was calling me to dance.

To live life and dance.  To abide in Him.  And when I fall, He will pick me up.  And He will twirl me around.  And He will whisper, "Dance again.  Keep on dancing, my beloved."  And I will bend my knees and give thanks to Him who created all things.

  "By this we shall know that we are of the truth and reassure our heart before him;  for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything.  Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God;  and whatever we ask we receive from him, because we keep his commandments and do what pleases him.  And this is his commandment, that we believe in the name of his Son Jesus Christ and love one another, just as he has commanded us.   Whoever keeps his commandments abides in God, and God in him. And by this we know that he abides in us, by the Spirit whom he has given us."

1John 3:19-24

risk.

risk.

here goes.......

so, it is tuesday of my vacation.  this five minute friday is suppose to take place on friday.  it is tuesday.  but, i am participating anyway.  because in actuality, i never follow rules very well.

risk has always scared me.  many times i have taken risks and things turn out just like i thought they would.  then there are the times when i take the risk and i fail. miserably.  why is it that i let the failure overrule taking another risk?

because i let the bad stuff become easier to believe.

essentially the lies become easier to believe.

and i want it to end.

i don't want to fear taking the risk.

stop fearing the risk.

and jump.

arms out.

palms open.

to what the Lord has for me.

and i know and trust with all my being that He wants good things for me.

for me, allie mac.

and for you.

believe.

it.

and it is worth the risk.

nothing is wasted.

nothing is wasted.

period.

last thursday my sweet husband took the kids to dinner

and

i took to the pavement.

running is therapeutic to me.

i put on my headphones and turned the music up.

the first few steps of running up the hill are torturous,

but i keep on going.

hurt.

so.

good.

right?

many mixed emotions of this day.

one of my closest friends, lorien was driving

from Pittsburgh

to Columbia.

Home.

the past year has been one filled with close friends moving.

maia.

janet.

patty.

gwen.

lorien.

so needless to say i think i had been in denial about her moving back. 

really God?

really?

the tears started to flow with each step i took.

listening to this song by jason gray:

"Nothing is Wasted."

The hurt that broke your heart
And left you trembling in the dark
Feeling lost and alone
Will tell you hope’s a lie
But what if every tear you cry
Will seed the ground where joy will grow

And nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted

It’s from the deepest wounds
That beauty finds a place to bloom 
And you will see before the end
That every broken piece is
Gathered in the heart of Jesus
And what’s lost will be found again

And nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted

From the ruins 
From the ashes
Beauty will rise
From the wreckage
From the darkness
Glory will shine

the tears were happy tears.

many tears were shed this past year.

but, those tears were seeds that had grown into Joy.

The kind of Joy that does not fluctuate with emotions or just a bad day.

the Constant.

the Good.

the Love.

the Gift.

the Giver.

of all things.

the lies i believed for so long were being replaced with Truth.

believing that God wants good for me.

that He is in fact Good.

the tears watered the seeds.

the seeds took root.

and are growing.

blooming.

and i see His face more clearly.

and i am thankful.

thankful.

748. Lo and her family moving back.

749. unexpected hugs.

750. smiling after finding a play snake in my bed.

751. the way Leighton looks at me.

752. laughter with Lawson last night as i put her to bed.

753. an amazing sermon this morning at Grace.

754. that despite the years of bitterness and cynicism, God continuously is pursuing me.  changing me.  making me into He wants me to be.  

755.  and the things He has planned for me are better than I can even imagine.  and that my friends is GOOD NEWS.

"Is anything too hard(wonderful) for the Lord?  Genesis 18:14

The answer is No.

 No.

No.

"For nothing will be impossible with God."  Luke 1:37

Glory will shine.

Shine.

On.

And.

On.

And.

On.

and take your breath away.

731.

731.  refreshing time away with friends at the beach.

732.  laughter.

733.  how rain makes everything greener.  

734.  snuggles with my sick girl.

735.  sewing.

736.  creating.designing.learning.

737.  grace.

738.  i know Leighton has been on my gratitude list too many times to count.  but, i am so grateful for him.  how he loves me.  how he shows me Jesus.  every.single.day.  i love you.

739.  my brother in law, Davis, gets home from Afghanistan next month.  

740.  my sister, Susan.  i know she is so pumped that she probably can't contain herself. 

741.  my mom.  she has been through a lot.  raised four girls.  gone through college four times.  married four girls.  an awesome and fun grandmother.  

742.  and what a joy it is to be a momma.

743.  my mother in law.  we have had our fair share of ups and downs.  but, i love her.  and i love that she was such a good momma to Leighton.

744.  that summer will be here soon.

745.  the anticipation of sleeping in......ahhhhhh.

746.  how the Lord has been sewing up places in my heart that I never believed would heal. 

747.  and believing in His Goodness.  and trying to grasp the fact that He does want good for me.  

Thank you, Lord.

Thank you.

"I am the vine; you are the branches.  If a man remains in me and I in Him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."

John 15:5

Bea.

I got a call three weeks ago that my grandmother did not have long to live.

Bea is my real father's mother.

And I have not seen or talked to him in almost 3 years.

She passed away this past Tuesday.

I knew there was no question if I would go to her funeral.

I just looked up the meaning of her name, Beatrice.

"bringer of joy."

And that was my Bea. 

One of my favorite acrostics for JOY is:

Jesus

Others

Yourself.

This is how she lived her life.

My Bea was a loving wife, amazing mother, daughter, sister, grandmother and friend.

But, she loved the Lord the most.

She lived a simple life.

A life of contentment.

A life of thankfulness.

A life of giving.  And not taking.

One thing that hurt her more than anything was that her son (my dad) was not a good father.

She would tell me every.single.time.i.saw.her.

"I am so sorry he is the way he is.  If it is my fault, I am so sorry."

This was my Bea.

I believe she prayed faithfully everyday for my dad to change.

That is what mothers do.

Pray for their children.

One of her other prayers was that she would be able to stay at home until the Lord called her Home.

And let me tell you.

He honored her prayers.

She passed away at home in her bed. On the farm she loved.  In her sleep.

My nephew said it best, "how amazing that she went to bed and woke up in Heaven."

Oh, sweet Bea.

Yesterday at her funeral, in the visitation room, my father apologized to me. 

He asked me for forgiveness.

He told me he had missed me.  

He hugged me.

And the fear?
Left.

Gone.

I imagine that Bea also prayed for me.

That the Lord would provide.

That I would believe His Promises.

The Lord answered her prayers.

I took pictures of the farm before we left for the funeral.

I took a picture of the bird feeders.

She loved birds.

So do I.

She loved hummingbirds.

I love Cardinals.

Oh, and do you see that beautiful old orange tractor..

Yep.  She drove that thing.

She bush hogged.  She took care of her farm.

She loved nature.

And I believe that is where she meet God.

Where she praised God.

In good times.

And in bad.

She was determined.  Hardworking.  Loving.  Patient.  Kind.  Giving.  Faithful.  Inspiring.  Simple.  Not complicated.  Her smile lit up the room.  Her laughter was contagious.

My Bea.

She knew how to live.

All the way to the end.

Praising the Lord.

Thanking Him.

Soaking up life.

And giving life to others.

Because of Him.

Who loved her.


1 John 4:7-17 (NLT)


I am continuing my gratitude and linking up with Ann Voskamp.


722.  My precious grandmother, Annie Beatrice Hyde.
723.  old orange tractors.
724.  tears that are caught in bottles.
725.  healing of fears.
726.  this hymn. 
727.  Promise Box from Bea's house.
728. girl weekend at the beach.
729. friends.
730. summer is almost here.


Thank you, Lord for Your Daily Bread.  Your Promises and Faithfulness never fail.

remembering.

I went to Germany in October to see my sister Susan and meet my nephew, Grey.  My brother in law is currently serving in Afghanistan (which by the way he gets home today for his two week leave!).  My main objective was to help Susan get Grey back to the United States for a couple of months.  I was there for 8 days.  I learned so much while I was there.  I am going to share one story of many.  But, this story is something I have thought about every.single.day.since.my.return.

We went to Flossenburg Concentration Camp.  We got there at about closing time.  The sun was setting.  The wind was blowing.  It was a sobering moment.  I could not speak.  We walked along and all I could imagine was how many people walked this same ground to their death.  We went up to one section and Susan left to go and feed the baby.  I was there all by myself.

I started to read the plaque.  And immediately I knew one of the men.  Dietrich Bonhoeffer.  It took my breath away.  Still does.  Even thinking about it.  I read about how he was executed 2 weeks before the liberation of Flossenburg.  Oh, sweet Lord.

As I walked, tears streaming down my face and wind blowing and the sun setting.  I was desperately searching for His face.  Where were you, Lord?  Where?

Then I see the monument with the names of the men who gave their lives for Christ.  With a Cross and this scripture:

"for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7

I hardly have words.

But it is this quote about Bonhoeffer's death that I can't quit thinking about:

The camp doctor who witnessed the execution wrote: “I saw Pastor Bonhoeffer ... kneeling on the floor praying fervently to God. I was most deeply moved by the way this lovable man prayed, so devout and so certain that God heard his prayer. At the place of execution, he again said a short prayer and then climbed the few steps to the gallows, brave and composed. His death ensued after a few seconds. In the almost fifty years that I worked as a doctor, I have hardly ever seen a man die so entirely submissive to the will of God.”<sup>[31]

Think about that.


Then about two weeks after returning from Germany, I am outside with the kids.  A car pulls up slowly.  The lady stops and says, "I am trying to get Mr. Miller to look at your blow up pumpkin (which was a clearance purchase and pretty awesome).  Do you know Mr. Miller?"  Me, "No, I don't."  Lady, "Mr. Miller lives a few houses down.  He is one of the last remaining survivors of Auschwitz."  Then she proceeded to show me the tattoo on his arm.  Took my breath away.  Again.  I had no words.  (Which is unusual for all who know me well;))

I googled Mr. Miller.  He suffered a stroke 20 years ago and had not spoken since.  This is the article that I read.  Mr.  Miller passed away in December.  I just found a video that a local news station did on Mr. Miller.  


These two men never lost their faith.  And they have given me Hope.  And changed me. 


And stirred in me the question, "Am I willing to be submissive to the will of God?  No matter what it looks like?"


I will always remember.  Because remembering is good.  Even if the situation was not.  Remembering helps to keep our eyes and heart fixed on the Lord.</sup>