First, I want to say that I read an amazing ladies blog and it is called, "Really Living". Reading her blog has made me think about a lot of things. Thank you, Emily:) The past two years have been such a growing and learning experience and I am having a hard time even grasping how my life has changed. Changed for the better. It seems to me that before I became a Christian a year and a half ago I wasn't "Really Living", I was just surviving. Surviving, just getting by, not truly happy, not content, complacent, angry, super temperamental, judgmental, jealous, eager to be the winner all the time at what ever the cost.......the list could go on and on.
Oh, but what I know now. Oh, what I feel now is so different. I feel Jesus. I hear Jesus. I long for Jesus. He is the reason my life has changed. I feel as if I am "Really Living". I am truly enjoying this life He has blessed me with. Even though it has been filled with trials and suffering, HE has brought me through it. Brought me out better than before and filled with His powerful Hope. Hope is something that truly helps me. His hope has brought me through the roughest of days. Days when I thought that I might not be able to breathe. Thinking that the panic would just destroy me. But, it hasn't. It has brought me so much closer to my Lord.
For the past week, every single night I have dreamed about Joe. Every single night. I guess there will always be a secret longing for the love of my earthly father. I know that Jesus is my Heavenly Father and better than I ever deserve. It still hurts. That is the bottom line. I believe that I will always grieve the loss of Joe. The what ifs. But today, "I will trust and not be afraid" Isaiah 12:2. I trust. I hope. I cling to Him. That is "Really Living". Really Living for the Lord. Oh, how I love this life so much better. Thank you, Lord. Thank you.
Even though some days I feel like I am just surviving. I know I am surviving with a different kind of hope. A hope that is resting in God's promise to me through His word and His Spirit. I am confident in this. He was there when He created me in my mother's womb. He was there when I saw things I should have never seen. He was there when I felt like no one would rescue me. He was there. He still is here with me now. He always has been. He knows everything before it even happens to me.
I will continue to seek Your face, Lord. When I wake in the morning. I need to seek You moment by moment. Second by second. I long for You. You are the Only One who can calm my fears. Take away my hurt. Wipe away my tears. Take away my fears. Give me hope. Encourage me to endure more so I know You better. Put a smile on my face. And turn my face to Yours.
I am content and happy with this life You have given me. I would want it no other way. That is right. I am thankful for all the hurts because they have led me to You. The joy far outweighs the sadness. Knowing that all of the suffering here on earth is just part of living in a fallen world. But, longing to be with You. Knowing that I can be with You in Spirit here is such a comfort.
So, are you "Really Living"? If so, isn't it so much better? :)
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" Romans 15:13