Tuesday, June 30, 2009



Yep, that is my girl! Lawson is full blown swimming. She is full of determination and Monday as I watched her, the Lord revealed something to me. Lawson was screaming that she didn't want to do it. Then she would take a breath and swim. She would come up to the wall and pull up. Scream again, deep breath then swim, pull up...you get the picture:) This didn't happen once. This happen 30 times. She was relentless in trying to get out of swimming, even though she KNEW she could do it.

I see so much of myself in her. As I watched her, I thought, "that is exactly what I do all the time. Scream and fight because I don't want to do what I know I need to do." What I realize is this is going to be my life. My walk with Christ. Even when I scream and fight myself on right and wrong, to do or not to do....He still loves me no matter what. What a gift. I am humbled....truly. Keep teaching me, Lord. I am listening....not all the time. But, I am trying:)

Romans 7:15 KJV

"For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I."

P.S. If you have not read, "Stepping Heavenward" by Elizabeth Prentiss, go to Amazon and get it NOW! It is an amazing book. She wrote it in the 1800's and reading it, I feel as if I am there. I know how she feels. The questions she poses. Get the book.....it is transformational:)

Wednesday, June 10, 2009


Romans 4:20-21 (New International Version)

"Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised."

The past week was a week of anxiousness for me. I know that anxiousness is a symptom of me wanting to be control and self-sufficient. I know this, yet why do I feel this way. Why have I not learned my lesson to keep my eyes focused on Him. I do believe that the Lord uses my anxiousness to bring me closer to Him....each and every time it seems to creep in.

But, man this was NO fun. I have recited this scripture over and over this week. because it gives me hope. When I waver through unbelief regarding the promises of God, I can't see Him. It is like I don't want to see Him. But, this scripture says that if you DO NOT waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, your faith will be strengthened and you WILL give GLORY to GOD....being fully persuaded that God had the power to do what He had promised.

Back in February, when I saw my real dad for the first time in almost 3 years, God was faithful to me. He was a shield around me and a comfort in a very sad time. I was so confident in His promises. But, I got kind of slack. Not, that I have believed in His promises any less until last week. I started having issues again. The same kind of issues I had when I was pregnant with Lawson. Panic sunk in. I was scared. Was it happening again? Why? I don't want to have to go back and deal with all that happened. I already know it....I lived it. We almost died. But, you see we didn't.

I can't keep looking back in fear. This is what the Lord is teaching me. He redeemed my hurts from my real father and now He is doing the same with the wounds of my pregnancy with Lawson. But, I had to quit fighting Him. I wanted to control the situation and figure it all out. When in actuality after praying He revealed what He was doing and a peace came over me. That confidence in Him was restored. I learn so much every time something like this happens. But, these 2 things are what have been holding me back. I have been clinging to them. Letting them rule my feelings and that is wrong. I am not believing that He has healed me from my past. He has. I just have to accept it. And quit fighting Him. Oh, how I am a fighter......love to get it my way(you can read that post below.)

What I have found is His peace. His peace that passes all understanding. His ways are higher than my ways. I can't figure out God. I just have to believe, trust and have faith. Seems so easy, yet so hard sometimes. I do know this....He is strengthening me. I am confident that whatever the outcome of my test tomorrow is, He will be glorified. Just like everything else that has happened in my life. It has all been to His Glory.

Jeremiah 30:17 (New International Version)

17 But I will restore you to health
and heal your wounds,'
declares the LORD,

Psalm 71:8,14 (English Standard Version)

My mouth is filled with your praise,
and with your glory all the day.
But I will hope continually
and will praise you yet more and more.

The other big thing that I realized is that I have to submit to Him. It says in James 4:7, "Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you." If I submit to Him, He can fight satan for me. I truly believe why I have not been anxious is that I am rebuking satan. Quoting scripture. I love my Lord and he(satan) seeks to destroy loves that love the Lord.

I am going to kind of end on an odd note. I know my readers have increase a little and I just want you to know that I do write some heavy stuff on this blog. But, I am a girl that loves the Lord with all her heart....but loves to have a good time and laugh until I can't stop. This is just a place I find refuge in getting my thoughts about the Lord out.

Thanks for reading:)