Why is it, once I think I understand something or "get it"....something else happens. The Lord has been working in me for a long time. He has done amazing things in my life. I am in AWE of His Power, Glory, really everything about Him intrigues me. I want to know more about Him. But, I am struggling. I don't know if it is unbelief. I think so. But, what is so crazy is that I REALLY do believe Him at His Word. Every word. I understand it. I feel it. But, some of it I don't.
A lot stims from childhood. My whole life I wanted Joe's love, attention and acceptance. But, it was never unconditional. There was always a catch. If I went to see him more, he was a little bit nicer to me and wouldn't say hateful things to me. Or he wouldn't make me feel so guilty. But, even if he was nicer, I was always looking for the bad. The bad is what I expected. I do remember some of the good. But the bad always stuck more than the good. Maybe this warfare is against damage done, and Him undoing it for me. I do trust that this is in His plan and His will for my life. I am looking for His Glory in this. Because, He always reveals it to me in some way.
Memories of crying for him. He not showing up(again). Not understanding. I was 5 or 6. This continued throughout my life. I just expected it. Disappointment. Hurt. Anger. Frustration. It is almost an innate response I have. Even though I accepted Jesus as my Savior almost 2 years ago, it is so hard to wrap my mind around His unfailing love for me. Crazy. It is a constant war in my brain. Trying to figure it out. Let the hurt go and just believe it. Believe Him at His word. But, I do. I truly do believe. I love Him so.
I know that He put Joe in my life for a reason. Probably to draw me closer to Him and realize that He is my true Father. I know Joe is sick. I pray for him all the time. I have truly forgiven him. Wednesday is his birthday. I usually get kind of anxious around any significant date. The last time was my birthday back in March. That was hard because it was the 2 nd birthday that he had not even acknowledged my birth. Then this summer I contacted him. The Lord really used that to heal my heart in some ways. But, it still hurts.
I just have so many questions. Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel like I am under attack? Why won't it stop? I am praying, but am I not praying the right way? Am I not confessing my sin, or do i not know exactly what the sin is? Am I in bondage to sin? Even though I know Jesus nailed my sins to the cross. I know that. Why can't I release it? Oh, Lord please protect me from satan.
I have these unrational fears. Fears that I am going to be like him. False. Not true. I am a new creation. I do have an anxiety disorder and ADD, but I am not mentally ill or addict like him. I love my children. I have trained myself to love them and it is easy now. Truly. The Lord has truly blessed me with such affectionate children. My life now is not the life that I lived. He has redeemed my past. He is healing me. I know it. I believe it. I just want the warfare to stop. Please, Lord forgive me for my unbelief. But, You know my heart. You know that I love You more than anything. I long to see you.