Thursday, June 17, 2010

Good, not perfect.

I am a good wife, not perfect.
I am a good mother, not perfect.
I am a good daughter, not perfect.
I am a good sister, not perfect.
I am a good friend, not perfect.  

Honestly, this past week or two has been kind of hard.
Father's Day is always kind of hard for me.
Ok, really hard.
I miss Joe.
I grieve over the loss of something he could never give me.
But, I am good.  Not perfect, but good.
And that is ok.

I of course have been doing all I can to stay busy.
I have painted three rooms in my house.
Desperately trying to complete these tasks.
To keep my mind off of my broken heart, instead of taking my broken heart to The One Who truly cares.
I got it done.  All three rooms.
But, I am exhausted.

I talk to a dear friend tonight.
She lifted my spirit and encouraged me.
I went upstairs to lay down with Lawson.
I touched her sweet face and listened to her suck her thumb.
My heart just smiled.
Then I go into Mac's room.
He is asleep holding a picture of us.
The picture of his parents that sits next to his bed every night.

I fall to the floor and sob.
I obviously needed to cry.
I knew I needed to....but was doing everything possible not to cry.
Sweet relief.

It does not matter, even if I send Mac to bed early for bad behavior.
He still loves us dearly.
He knows we love him dearly.
He has something I did not have.
Unconditional love.
He gets to experience a way of life I never knew.  
Both of my children get to experience a life I never knew.

This is a gift from the Ultimate Gift Giver.
FOR sure.
So, tonight I am grasping on to The One Who "holds all things together." Col. 1:17
Remembering that I am "rooted and grounded in love."  Eph. 3:17
Desperately seeking "the strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God."  Eph. 3:18-19

This is a side note.  My mom rocks.  My stepdad, who I call dad, rocks.
God's hand was in every aspect of my life.  
He knew that He would use this situation with Joe to draw me to Himself.
So, guilt.  "His blood commands my guilt to leave."  Ok?
Dad, you are a special gift from the Gift Giver.

I miss you.
I love you.
All I have ever wanted was for you to love me.
It is ok, that you were not able too.  
I am good.  Not perfect.  That is ok.
I forgive you.
I pray that one day you will realize the love of the Father.
I pray that He would heal you from your illness.

I would have taken a picture of Mac, but I left my camera card at the store.
The store where I spent 2 hours trying to develop my pictures...only to leave with nothing.
Not even my camera card.
But, the picture of you, sweet boy with our picture in your arms will be permanently engraved in my memory.
Thank you, sweet Jesus.  
Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.

"A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up bones."  Proverbs 17:12
Love Your Enemies
 "But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you,  bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.  To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either.  Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them. 
  "If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same.And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil.  Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.  Luke 6:27-36


1 comment:

paige said...

that' one of my most favorite scriptures.
i'm sorry today was hard for you. sounds like your heart did need that release.
i hope you & those precious children of yours have a great week