Good, not perfect.

I am a good wife, not perfect.

I am a good mother, not perfect.

I am a good daughter, not perfect.

I am a good sister, not perfect.

I am a good friend, not perfect.  

Honestly, this past week or two has been kind of hard.

Father's Day is always kind of hard for me.

Ok, really hard.

I miss Joe.

I grieve over the loss of something he could never give me.

But, I am good.  Not perfect, but good.

And that is ok.

I of course have been doing all I can to stay busy.

I have painted three rooms in my house.

Desperately trying to complete these tasks.

To keep my mind off of my broken heart, instead of taking my broken heart to The One Who truly cares.

I got it done.  All three rooms.

But, I am exhausted.

Spent.

I talk to a dear friend tonight.

She lifted my spirit and encouraged me.

I went upstairs to lay down with Lawson.

I touched her sweet face and listened to her suck her thumb.

My heart just smiled.

Then I go into Mac's room.

He is asleep holding a picture of us.

The picture of his parents that sits next to his bed every night.

Tears.

I fall to the floor and sob.

I obviously needed to cry.

I knew I needed to....but was doing everything possible not to cry.

Relief.

Sweet relief.

It does not matter, even if I send Mac to bed early for bad behavior.

He still loves us dearly.

He knows we love him dearly.

He has something I did not have.

Security.

Unconditional love.

He gets to experience a way of life I never knew.  

Both of my children get to experience a life I never knew.

This is a gift from the Ultimate Gift Giver.

FOR sure.

So, tonight I am grasping on to The One Who "holds all things together." Col. 1:17

Remembering that I am "rooted and grounded in love."  Eph. 3:17

Desperately seeking "the strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God."  Eph. 3:18-19

********************************

This is a side note.  My mom rocks.  My stepdad, who I call dad, rocks.

God's hand was in every aspect of my life.  

He knew that He would use this situation with Joe to draw me to Himself.

So, momma....no guilt.  "His blood commands my guilt to leave."  Ok?

Dad, you are a special gift from the Gift Giver.

*******************************

Joe,

I miss you.

I love you.

All I have ever wanted was for you to love me.

It is ok, that you were not able too.  

I am good.  Not perfect.  That is ok.

I forgive you.

I pray that one day you will realize the love of the Father.

I pray that He would heal you from your illness.

Love,

Allison

*******************************

I would have taken a picture of Mac, but I left my camera card at the store.

The store where I spent 2 hours trying to develop my pictures...only to leave with nothing.

Not even my camera card.

But, the picture of you, sweet boy with our picture in your arms will be permanently engraved in my memory.

Thank you, sweet Jesus.  

Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.

********************************

"A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up bones."  Proverbs 17:12

Love Your Enemies

 "But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you,  bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.  To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either.  Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them. 

  "If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same.And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil.  Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.  Luke 6:27-36

 

D

D is for dinner date at Devine Foods.

Driving range with L.

Dessert at Fruiti Cup.

No pictures on this date.  

We talked about dreams.

I learned 2 new things about L.

I got to talk about my dream.
So, what is your dream?

18.  Thankful that I am now counting my 1000 gifts forward instead of backwards.   Whew it already feels better;)

19.  Thankful that my son is now the minature donkey whisperer after breaking his arm riding one of them.  He learned his lesson.

  20.  the beautiful wheat field in front of my parent's house in Alabama

21.  For the cardinal's we saw at Riverfront Park today.  Just me and my kiddos.  Sweet time.  Precious time.  I.  Don't.  Want.  To.  Forget.

22.  Cousins and sweet giggles.

23.  Smiles and laughter after getting both SUV's stuck in the mud at the Hot Air Ballon Festival......9 o'clock at night;)  Especially grateful for the 3 strangers that helped us (my dad and Scot) get them unstuck.

24.  thankful that God's mercies are new every morning........

25.  thankful for life...

26.  thankful that even though I am a sinner, I am dearly loved.  A new creation.

27.  thankful for a Gospel preaching church.

28.  thankful for amazing sisters in Christ....

29.  thankful that being able to give thanks instead of being anxious.

30.  for sweet time at "the farm."  driving back roads and thinking about old times....smiling.  seeing birds playing in mud puddles.  watching my dad do what he loves, selling cows....

31.  baby sisters

32.  Angels...

33.  thankful that I can post this on a Tuesday even though I was suppose to do it yesterday.  GRACE.  learning to accept grace.......

sister's, yogurt and good conversations

I just went to get yogurt with my sisters.  We had a blast.  But, seriously who ever came up with the idea of make your own yogurt and add whatEVER you want on top was a genius.  Way to make money on the girl who loaded up the yogo all the way to the top and added Heath bar on top.  Yep.  Pretty sure I will weigh 5 pounds more tomorrow morning.  It was worth.  every.  single. bite.  Thank you very much Yogurt Mountain.  No pictures because I literally inhaled the humongous yogurt moutain. 

I loved being with my sisters.  LOVE.  Them.  Time spent with them makes my heart smile:)

Walk with Him

So, I missed Multitude Monday.  I thought about it, even had my "c" date with my hubby:)  I will probably just post 10 things I am thankful for this coming Monday.   This month on Ann's blog "Walk with Him Wednesday" is The Practice of Spiritual Matrimony.  Reflecting on my marriage and the man I married.  Boy, the Lord has brought us through some really rough storms to a place where we content.  Peace.  Love.  Grace.  Mercy.  Love.  Love.  Love. 

I love Leighton.  Period.

"C" date night.

Chili's in Decatur, Alabama.

For some reason, Decatur is NOT known for fabulous restaurants.  It really is tragic.  

But, Chili's totally worked for us.

We had

chips at Chili's.

Then we headed back to my parent's house to 

 Chillax on the chammock......watching the sun set

and then went on a

Cow

Cruise:)

I love my man.  I desire Him more because of him.   I also miss him right now because I am still in Alabama and he is in Columbia.  I miss him.  I will be home tomorrow, baby.

 

989.  "Come now, let us reason together, says the LORD: though your sins are like scarlet,
   they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red like crimson,
   they shall become like wool." Isaiah 1:18

 988.  good times at the beach

987.  The bond that I have with my daughter.....something I longed for in the first few months of her life.  Now, there were tears shed by me watching her first ballet recital.  Can you see my heart smiling?

986.  The Cross

  985.  Ice Cream (clown cones) smiles

One Thousand gifts....Multitude Monday

994.  My sweet, precious girl who turned 4 today

993.  Seeing JOY and accepting it......a gift from the Gift Giver

992.  John Rosemond's book, "The Well Behaved Child" has truly transformed my life.  It has been a hard few weeks but I am able to see the light.....

991.  My momma being here with us for a few days.  To hear her laugh.  To roll my eyes at her and then apologize;)  To love her more now than ever feels so good........

990.  "You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade."  Tenth Avenue North's song "You are More."

ABC's

Let's face it.

Leighton and I struggle with 

making time to

date.

One on One.

Not with friend's.

Not with work.

Not with family.

Just us.

So,

I came up with an idea.

Well, not really....

I had some help from a website that I can no longer find.  Sweet.

ABC's date game.

Start with A and be creative as to what you will do with your hubby.

Then move on to the next letter.

WOW.

WHO knew this would be so much fun!

We were pumped.

Ready to ROLL.....

We wanted to burn squealies

out of the driveway

but, 

we didn't:)

(Little side note: it is quite evident of my less than professional photography skills since Leighton is WAY out of focus.) Ahem...

First stop

Al's Upstairs for appetizers......

This was our view of the city of Columbia......

pretty amazing:)

The dinner was fabulous and the dessert was delicious.

So good in fact,

we had to go home.

But, don't think that my hubby hadn't already picked out

something for us to do when we got home

that started with B.

Backyard.

Beer.

Bocce 

(sorry for the awful picture.)

It was an amazing night.

Creative.

Different.

Relaxing.

Fun.

Exactly what we needed:)

Now, we are planning our "C"

One Thousand gifts

Lately I am just grateful.  

Basking in the beauty of the blessings the sweet Lord has blessed me with. 

Desiring a way to Give Glory to the Gift Giver.

I have been reading Ann's blog for awhile now.

So, starting right now I am going to write about my gratitude for Christ.  

My writing is not awesome.

My pictures are not amazing.  (I have spent way too much time trying to figure out aperture, ISO etc.  Not much luck.  It is all good though.)

But, He loves me and that I am so thankful for:)

Here goes.....

1000.  The way the Lord rescued me from a slimy pit

999.  Watching the sun rise while spending time with the Lord.

998.  Watching my children at the beach...laughing, running free, no worries.

997.  Leighton and the way he loves me......

996.  How sometimes when I feel like I am just trying to keep my head above water, I can whisper His name and feel safe and loved.

995.  Sisters.  Nephews.  Nieces.  Laughter.

""Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change."  James 1:17

Sticks and Stones

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

I probably learned this saying when I was four or five years old.  Little did I know this would be one of the things that came to my mind after my real father called today.  I should not have answered the phone, but I did.  No looking back.  Keep on walking with the Lord.  Learn.  Trust.  Faith.

I will spare you all the details but essentially he called to start something with me.  Dog me out.  Cut me down.  Make me feel as bad as he does.  It didn't work.  I did not shed one tear.  I put up the shield and He protected me from the flaming darts.  

Joe calls me for the first time in four years to wish me a Happy Birthday.  I write him a thank you note for calling.  He actually acknowledged my birthday! Then he calls and has nothing nice to say all because I didn't tell him my husband lost his job.  The reason I didn't tell him is because it would just stir things up.  Plus I had not talked to him since I flew to Alabama to visit him in the hospital.

And all he could do was cut me down.  I pity him.  Really.  He is sick.  SICK.  He actually got mad at me because I was filling my salt shaker while I was talking to him.  Seriously?  I know in my heart that all he wanted to say was, "I miss you, Allison."  I guess more than ever I see how the Lord has changed my heart.  I don't desire to stir up fights or make someone feel bad intentionally.  I mean I do sometimes cause you know I am a jokester.

When I went to visit him in the hospital he actually said, "Allison, I know how to F with you."  That is the main reason I have not had any other contact with him.  He is not safe and he can not be trusted.  I am so thankful that my Heavenly Father has supplied me with oh, so much more than Joe ever could:)  Especially His word.  His Truth.

"But avoid foolish controversies, genealogies, dissensions, and quarrels about the law, for they are unprofitable and worthless.  As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him, knowing that such a person is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned."  Titus 3:9-11

Closure.  I now know why God has taken me to the place He has over the past few months.  Closure on the pain my real father, Joe has caused.  It is over.  I will love Joe from afar.  That is ok.  I will love my enemy, because that is what God calls me to do.  I am ok with this.  Joyful obedience even though it hurts.  It will always hurt.  But, the beauty is far more than I ever deserve.

I will silently say, "Jesus" whenever Joe comes to my mind.  I will continue to pray for him.  But, I will not let satan win this battle.  Jesus defeated satan.  Jesus has won the battle.  I am claiming scripture!  It feels so good because I believe It and I am receiving It:)  I will continue to walk with the Lord, side by side, hand in hand.....looking over my shoulder with a smile and maybe a tear.  Looking to the future with a different kind of hope.  A hope that only the Lord can give.  A heart that is full of love and thankfulness.  A changed heart.  A heart that was once lost, but now found.  A new heart.  A love for Jesus that I never knew before. 

"It is important to note that forgiveness doesn't mean an automatic restoration of a damaged relationship.  Forgiveness must be distinguished from reconciliation and a restoration of trust.  In other words, in some situations you can genuinely forgive and yet not restore a relationship nor trust the person again with your life and heart.  Forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation or a restoration of trust.  Forgiveness is an offer of mercy - to yourself and to the other person.  Forgiveness is merciful to you for it frees you from the bondage of the other person's sins.  It is merciful to the other person, for it offers them an opportunity for repentance.  Depending on the circumstances, your forgiveness may open the door to much more.  It may offer reconciliation, which over time may also lead to a restoration of trust."  Gospel Transformation, p. 280

I am choosing to forgive Joe.  I will continue to pray for him.  I will continue to hope that the Lord would choose to change his heart and make it new.  But, this chapter is closed.  Joe will no longer have any hold over me.  Closed.  My heart belongs to Jesus.  No one can snatch me out of His hand.  I praise Him because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  I will raise my Ebenezers in worship for all the Lord has brought me through.  The good far outweighs the bad!  This is what my sweet and precious husband sent me yesterday after I told him what happened.

 

"Allison - Joe can be mean and can say hurtful things, but he cannot take away what you have - a husband and two kids who love you, some great friends, and the love and peace of Jesus.

 

Romans 8:28

 

James 1: 2-4

 

Isaiah 41:10

 

Love you

 

L"

 

I am blessed and I owe it all to Jesus.  I owe it all to Jesus.  

Dear Lord,

Please give me the desire to build others up and not tear them down.  Lord, forgive me when I do tear others down.  Please heal the broken places in my heart that have been damaged by words that might as well have been punches to my face.  Help me to look to You for Your strength.  Your love.  Thank you for giving me Joe.  Thank you for showing me that You are my Father.  Thank you for Gregg.  Thank you that You gave him to me, so that I could experience what an earthly father should be like.  He is an amazing daddy and I am humbled that You chose him for me.  You knew he would be my daddy.  You knew.  Thank you that my children know what it is like to feel loved.  Thank you that they feel secure.   Thank you for letting me see what it is like to experience a life I never knew existed.  Thank you for the husband that You gave to me.  Thank you that I can see You in him.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.

 

In Jesus name, Amen.

Romans 5:1-11 (English Standard Version)

Romans 5

Peace with God Through Faith

 ¹Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. ²Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. ³More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, ⁴and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, ⁵and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. ⁶For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. ⁷For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— ⁸but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. ⁹Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. ¹⁰For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. ¹¹More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

Pruning

Pruning.  Pruning.  Pruning and more pruning.  Almost four years ago we moved back to Columbia.  We were so excited to be coming "home."  We bought a house with an eight week old and a three year old.  A momma who would soon lose her marbles (PPD, panic attacks, etc.)  Bottom line.  We bought a house that was too big for us.  We were different four years ago.  I know I am not the same person I once was.  I mean I am still the same, but my heart is different.  

The person who lived in our house before us was a landscape architect.  Yep.  Great.  She was so sweet to come by and go through the entire yard and give me the run down.  Only if my baby had not been crying.  Only if I didn't feel like I was going to have a heart attack.  I don't really remember anything she said except for, "this tree I use to collect the seeds and send them to a person in Augusta."  That was enough to intimidate me.  I mean let me tell you, when we bought this house, it was like the "secret garden."  It was amazing.  You could tell that Mrs. Rice loved this yard.  She took care of it like it was her baby.

Not me.  For the past four years I have spent the majority of my time trying to get to know the Lord better.  All along He has been pruning me.  But, I just realized this on Sunday.  I have finally taken an interest in the yard.  Guilt, whatever you want to call it, I feel a strong pull to the yard.  Maybe it is the sunshine.  Maybe it this sense of balance I feel right now.  Maybe because I am different than I was even 6 months ago.  Sanctification.  Whatever the reason, my yard has overgrown it's own space.  These bushes were growing toward the sun, but nothing except these two sprigs were growing underneath.  The leaves and branches were keeping new growth coming up from the bottom.  Another words, top heavy.  


So, I got to work.  I cut the good off.  Now I am praying that it will grow back healthy and strong.  I took a close up picture of one of the two new growths so you could see how the light hits the leaves.  Beautiful.  Jesus is the light.  He said, "I came that they may have life and have it abundantly."  John 10:10.

Warren Weirsbe says, "We know that we are abiding when the Father prunes us, cutting away the good so that we can produce the best.  We glorify God with fruit, more fruit, much fruit."  With the Word (p. 700)

Read it again.

So when we are abiding, He will cut away the good so that we can produce the best.  

"By their fruit, you will know them."  Matthew 7:20

When I look back over the last 3 1/2 years, I see the Lord's hand so clearly.  It has been hard.  But, oh so worth it!   

There will be a part 2 to this because I worked in the yard all day yesterday.  Can't wait to show you the progress:) 

7 years ago

Seven years ago Daddy and I were preparing for your birth, Mac.  Two days until the big day.  And let me tell you, you started out big.  We did not find out that you were a boy until the Dr. delivered you via c-section(you weighed in at 9 pounds 12 1/2 ounces and 21 1/2 inches long.....I am 5'2 btw.)  We were so excited!  Our whole family was there (except Gran da da...he came the day after.)  You were beautiful.  I know you are a boy and all, but you took my breathe away.

I never dreamed I would get married, much less have a baby.  I wasn't the kind of little girl that dreamed about being a mommy.  But, I did.  When I married your daddy something changed inside my heart.  I loved him so much that I wanted to see him as a father.  I wanted a little someone who was part of "us".  We tried  for a couple of years to have you.  We went through fertility treatments.  Tears.  Waiting.  Praying.  Growing.

We were so excited when we found out that we were pregnant.  It was a pretty difficult pregnancy.  I will save the details for a later date.  I just want to tell you how you changed my life.  Now that I look back on my pregnancy I can remember how gentle you were.  Very low key and easy going.  The moment you were born, I changed.  I felt a different kind of love than I ever dreamed about feeling.  You were such an easy baby.  You latched on right away and ate like a champ.  I was nervous about breastfeeding you, and it ended up being the way I bonded with you.  You needed me.  The Lord knew I needed you.

I love you, Mac and thank God every single day for you:)  You make my heart smile!