3 years ago...

Around this time of year, I am constantly reminded of how God saved me. On May 17th my sweet Lawson will be 3 years old. A few weeks before she was born, I almost died. God had other plans for me and for that I am so thankful. I was about 32 weeks pregnant and I had to start insulin. I went into my OB/GYN and she was out that day so a different Dr. prescribed the insulin for me. Mac was with me and I remember him saying, "Mommy, I have to go poo poo!" The dr. wrote the prescription and the nurse came in to show me what to do. I was so distracted and the nurse said that someone would be calling me from the Diabetes Center to set up an appointment. Needless to say, I had given myself shots to get pregnant twice....so I was just like, Ok....I can do this.

Pregnancy with Lawson was filled with issues. Starting at 20 weeks I started to have blood in my stool. I had just finished a Z pack for a sinus infection. It only got worse from there. I ended up having to have a colonoscopy. I can't even tell you how horrible that was. The Dr. called to tell me I had Chrohn's Disease and I needed to start taking prednisone. I was very resistant because my sister had taken it before and she swelled up and it was just hard to think of having to go on this drug. So, one day later Leighton had to drive me to the Emergency Room because I was in so much pain. It was a pain that I can't even explain. I thought I was dying. The whole ride to the hospital I had my eyes shut and was moaning. Mac was with us, unfortunately. They finally got me over the the Ob floor. A Dr. came in to see me and I threw up all over him. Then it all happened so fast. Ultrasounds and they couldn't find anything. They gave me heavy doses of pain meds and it didn't even help. So, that is when they started pumping me full of prednisone. It is a miracle drug in some ways. It is the only thing that made me start to feel better. Prednisone raises your insulin levels, so that is why I had to start taking insulin.

So, night 2 on the insulin, I woke up and stammered to the bathroom and almost couldn't make it back to the bed. I almost fainted. Leighton got me crackers and juice and I finally came out of it. I called my OB that morning. She called me back to up my insulin from 4 units to 8 units. She also said that the Diabetes Counselor would be calling me that day. Around 4:30 the Diabetes Counselor called me. We talked for a little bit and then she told me to go and get my syringes. I looked at the syringes and fell to my knees. The pharmacy had give me 100 unit syringes. I was suppose to be taking 4 units of insulin and I had been taking 40 units of insulin for 2 nights in a row. Then that night I would have taken 80 units of insulin. We would have died. No question about it. Then the lady tells me that she usually leaves every day at 4 pm. This was 5 pm by now.

I knew it was God that had saved us. Confident it was Him. But, I still wasn't fully ready to submit to Him. He still had other plans for me. I ended up meeting with the diabetes counselor and regulated my sugars until Lawson was born. She was born at 36 weeks and 5 days. I had to have 2 amnios to see if her lungs were developed. A pregnant lady had lost her baby a year earlier at this same hospital and she had been on insulin. So, they were very precautious with me. Especially after the syringe incident. She was healthy and didn't have to spend time in the NICU at all.

Things were still not alright with me. I still felt kind of "off". I was so thankful and grateful. But, I was not connecting with her. I was starting to feel even more disconnected to Leighton and Mac too.

I will finish this later.....

I left off last entry about feeling disconnected. I am pretty sure I had postpartum depression from the beginning after Lawson was born, but I didn't break until she was 4 1/2 months old. I was participating in Bible Study Fellowship's study of Romans. Woah.....It really threw me for a loop. I guess it was my first dose of how really awful and sinful I was. After studying about 3 chapters, I lost it. Literally. Leighton had to drive me to an OB that I had never met before after having a full blown I can't breathe panic attack in the church parking lot. I thought I was going crazy. Truth is, I kind of was. There is blessing in suffering. I know that now. I did not know that then. I didn't know it then because I didn't know Christ. I believed in Him. I believed in God. I just didn't understand my need for Him.

Well, I was on my knees praying that He would save me from the pit of despair. I hate to even write about this because it takes me back to a place sometimes I would rather forget. But, I can't. He used my brokenness to heal me. After getting on some much needed medication and starting weekly counseling, things started to improve a little. I felt a little more connected. Truth be told is I wanted to leave. I wanted to leave my life and go somewhere, although I have no idea where I thought I was going to go. I didn't want to be with Leighton. I didn't want to be with Mac. I didn't want to be with Lawson. I was scared to say the least.

I had to get to the root of the problem. Leighton and I had grown apart. We grew apart because of built up resentment. Resentment on both parts. Not that one did more than the other. We were both at fault. We went through counseling and it helped so much. We had to work hard to forgive one another and move on from our past. The Lord really has redeemed and restored our marriage. For that I am so thankful for. I love him more now than I ever have. I feel close to him than I ever have. God used our resentment to draw us to Him.

Sin is the root of all evil. We all sin. We all far short. I am not scared to read Romans anymore. Now I try to look for my sin and call it out. Then repent of it. There are so many times I will be struggling and almost fighting to NOT to have to look at the sin. But, the sweet Lord always provides a way for me to dig kind of deep and not be scared. To confront my sin. Look at it, see where it came from and try to turn from it. Do I fail? You bet your bottom dollar(Oh, that is one of my favorite Annie songs...)But, this is part of sanctification. I will never be perfect this side of Heaven. No matter how hard I try. Never will I be perfect. Jesus is the Only One who was without sin. The One and Only One. He is the One and Only that I am trying so hard everyday to fix my eyes on. To see Him in everything. He nailed all of our sins to the cross. He looks at us as if we have never sinned. That is nothing short of amazing. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for the brokenness in my life. Thank you for the heartache and struggles. It is in brokenness that I feel closest to You. And it makes the times in my life where there isn't much hurt or pain more enjoyable:)

Proverbs 28:13 (New International Version)

13 He who conceals his sins does not prosper,
but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.

Isaiah 30:15 (New International Version)

15 This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says:
"In repentance and rest is your salvation,
in quietness and trust is your strength,
but you would have none of it.

1 John 1:9 (New International Version)

9If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

Paradoxes of the Kingdom
A Puritan prayer

Lord, you have brought me to the valley of vision
Where I live in the depths but see you in the heights;
hemmed in by the mountains of sin I behold your glory
Let me learn by paradox that the way down is the way up
that to be low is to be high
that the broken heart is the healed heart
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
that to have nothing is to possess all,
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
that to give is to receive,
that the valley is the place of vision.


Dear Lord,

Teach me, mold me and hold me. I know that Your ways are not my ways. Your thoughts are not my thoughts. Teach me more about Your word and draw me nearer....

In Jesus name, Amen

Please pray for Stellan

"Look momma"

"Look momma, Jesus is holding a green popsicle stick!" This is what I said to my mother when we drove by The Vulcan in Birmingham, Alabama. I was probably around 3 or 4 years old. I am sure she could tell me for sure. The Vulcan use to have a green light if there were no accidents and red if there had been. I don't know why this thought struck me this morning on my run. I guess it must be all the red birds that I see while I am running, that get me thinking about Jesus:) You can read here about my post on red birds

He is teaching me right now to seek Him. To look for Him in everything. It is hard, you know. Because the flesh part of me usually wins. But, sometimes He wins. When He wins is when He does His best work. He is changing me. He is molding me. He is shaping me into the person He wants me to be. I was put here on this earth to Glorify Him, not myself. And it is hard. We were made to instinctively be about ourselves. All because of the Fall. I am learning more and more about His Grace. Justification. Sanctification. But, I won't be whole until I meet Him face to face. And can I just tell you, how I long for that? I mean not right now. But, when He calls me Home.

I just now am experiencing joy for the first time in my life. I mean "real Joy". Joy that can only come from Him. It is satisfying my thirst. But, I still struggle. Everyday. Let's get real....life is hard. It is not perfect and won't be until we leave this earth. I sin. I fall short. I say hurtful things. I might not spend "enough" time with my kids. I might give enough attention to my husband. I might say something that wasn't appropriate, or think it;). My list could go on and on. Some stuff I wouldn't even want you to know about me. But guess what....He loves me. And that is just so sweet to know. It reminds me of a sign that my aunt gave me when I was pregnant with Mac. It said, "You make my heart smile....."

Jesus makes my heart smile:) When I see Jesus holding up a red light(imagination here)is when I need to look to Him. When it is green, I still need to look to Him. It is Him and Only Him that can do more than we can think or imagine.....

"Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always." Psalm 105:4.

"Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders You have done. The things you have planned for us no one can recount to You; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many too declare." Psalm 40:5

Dear Lord,

I will try to seek Your face always, but when I don't please gently(or not) use whatever You need to to get my attention. My joy comes from You and all that You have done for me. Thank you for loving me the way you do. Lord, thank you for all of the wonderful people You have put in my life. Please be with baby Stellan. Thank you for his mother's words this morning. To You be the Glory.....To You be the Glory.

In Christ Alone

Please pray for Stellan

Hope Floats

I first saw the movie, "Hope Floats" with Leighton in a movie theater. We had only been dating for a couple of weeks. He was really kind to go and see such a "girly" movie. If you have seen the movie then you are probably familiar with the scene where the little girl cries hysterically while her father drives off. When I first saw this scene I couldn't cry like I wanted too in the movie theater. Instead it happened in the driveway at Leighton's house. Sobbing. Heart wrenching pain. Leighton just held me as I cried. You see, I hadn't seen or spoken to my real father in months.

I knew that little girls pain. I knew it more than I wanted to know. I just wanted him to love me. To want to be with me. To hug me. To tell me he was proud of me. To tell me he loved me. I asked my mom a few months ago what it was like when I was a child. A lot of my childhood memories are lost. So, I asked her straight up...."What happened? Did I go and stay with him when I was little? What did you do when I was gone?" She then proceeded to tell me there were times when he would say he would be there and he just wouldn't show up. She said I would just cry and cry. After she told me this it was actually quite healing for me. In God's way, He wrapped His arms around me and filled me with His Truth and comforted me.

So, about 2 weeks ago I was flipping through the channels and "Hope Floats" was on Lifetime. I actually changed the channel and then I went back. I watched. But, this time it was different. This time I watched it with my Lord:) While I was watching , I was also looking through a book I had read called, "The Wounded Woman". I have so many lines in that book underlined it is almost funny;) But, when the scene was approaching I was watching and to my surprise my heart didn't hurt. I was watching and what I saw was me. But it was me looking at that little girl and seeing what God has done in my life and I actually smiled. I smiled. I smiled with tears in my eyes.....

Then I read this in my book on the last page, "God doesn''t want to hurt us, but He is willing to use our pain to accomplish great things in us and around us. Zane Grey once wrote that his recipe for greatness was "tp bear up under loss, to fight the bitterness of defeat and the weakness of grief, to be a victor over anger, to smile when tears are close....to look up with unquenchable faith in something ever more about to be." Then it goes on to say, "This is what I want: an unquenchable faith. Yet without wounds, my faith remains untested. And without moving forward, my faith will be unrewarded. In the end, we must never forget that God loves us. He yearns to heal our wounds when the time is right. He is waiting to comfort us as soon as we ask Him. He is eager to strengthen us as we lean more and more on Him. So as we walk this trouble-filled world, let us hold firmly to His joy, His peace, His purpose, and especially His hope. For it is through hope that we move forward, and it is in moving forward that we discover that God can meet our every need."

My words fail me, but His NEVER will. His Truth is my hope.

Romans 5
Peace and Joy
1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we[a]have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we[b] rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we[c] also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

6You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. 7Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. 8But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

9Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him! 10For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! 11Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for taking my wounds and healing them by the blood of Your Son, Jesus. Thank you for increasing my faith. I now come to You when I am thirsty. Even when I don't You still love me and gently guide me. Lord, please let me be a witness to Joe. If it is Your will, give me the strength to minister to him. I do feel like his addiction and mental illness blind him. But, Lord Your ways are not mine. If You can save me, a horrible sinner I know that You can do anything. Please lead me in Your will. I will follow. I will listen.

In Jesus name, Amen

Songs of Praise

Isaiah 12

Songs of Praise

¹ In that day you will say:
"I will praise you, O LORD.
Although you were angry with me,
your anger has turned away
and you have comforted me.

² Surely God is my salvation;
I will trust and not be afraid.
The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song;
he has become my salvation."

³ With joy you will draw water
from the wells of salvation.

⁴ In that day you will say:
"Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name;
make known among the nations what he has done,
and proclaim that his name is exalted.

⁵ Sing to the LORD, for he has done glorious things;
let this be known to all the world.

⁶ Shout aloud and sing for joy, people of Zion,
for great is the Holy One of Israel among you."

My heart rejoices in the Lord for the mighty things He has done in my life. I am saddened today by the loss of my grandfather. He passed away early this morning. He was Joe's father. I am so sad for my grandmother, Bea. She has been with him since she was 18.

You see, I haven't seen my real father in almost 3 years. I have only spoken with him once and that was when I called him. He has not been someone safe for me to be around or my children. I pray for him everyday that he would come to know the Lord and His love for him.

It is kind of strange because in some ways I am not scared to see him and I am in others. I am not scared because I believe in God's promises to me. I believe them with all my heart and soul. But, on the other hand....I have grieved over the lost relationship with my earthly father, Joe. You see, I love him. I love him so much. I love how much fun it was to be around him and the way he would make me laugh. I loved just being with him up at the farm. I loved sitting out on the front porch gazing out at the stars and hear nothing but the quietness of the night.....I loved riding in the car with him in the country. I just loved spending time with him, when he was well and not sick......But, the majority of his life he has been sick.

I am just praying that God was use me in a mighty way with Joe. That He would allow me to be calm and rest in Him and His promises. God knew before I was even formed in my mother's womb, that this would be my life and everything in it. He knew that out of my brokenness, He would draw me to Him. I have suffered from PTSD from and incident with Joe and had to fight panic attacks....the kind where you can't breathe and you think you are going crazy. I clung to this verse in Isaiah 12:2, "I will trust and not be afraid." But, not until today did I read the whole verse and truly comprehend how He used my suffering and that I would now be singing Songs of Praise and not Songs of Fears........

"The Lord, the Lord, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation."

I want to shout from a mountaintop what the Lord has done in my life. I truly can't contain it anymore:) The Glory is all Yours, Lord......Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Confidence

I have struggled all of my life with feelings of insecurity. I never felt like I was good enough. When I looked in the mirror all I saw was bad. All of my insecurities led to misery. The only way I know how to describe this first 32 years of my life was insecurity. Searching for something to fill me and make me feel whole. Something to complete me. Satisfy me. Fill me to the brim so to say. I was baptized as an infant. I attended church. I was confirmed. I took communion. I believed in Jesus. I believed in God. But, still lacked confidence. I went all over to try to find myself. I went to enough counselors, but no one could fill the void I was missing. I went everywhere, except to Jesus.

I lacked the confidence in Jesus. I was looking to the world for my "identity". It took me 32 years to find Jesus. Or should I say, surrender to Jesus. Not only was I insecure, but quite stubborn. I associated Jesus and God with how my earthly father treated me. So, I wanted no part in that....thanks but no thanks. Oh, but my sweet Jesus had plans for me. Super duper plans that entailed a wild and crazy roller coaster ride, leading me to Him. (You can read other entries if you want the full story;))

So, today I did part of my Gospel Transformation chapter called, "Repentance and Transformation." And it was like the Holy Spirit lit a fire under me and revealed something to me. I know and knew how terrible I was for those 32 years. What I didn't know or feel was God's love for me in Jesus. I was looking for security in the world and not in God. If I am confident in who God created me to be, I am more likely to humbly repent of my sins. By repenting of my sins, cleanses me and brings me into relationship with Jesus. Being confident in who God created me to be, takes the focus off of me and more outwardly focused.

"He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy." Proverbs 28:13 You will not find rest when you cover your sin. If you claim it and confess it, you are forgiven and He provides relief of suffering in a kind and compassionate way. I never found rest without Jesus. I still struggle to find rest in Jesus because I still chose my will over His will. But, this is the reality of living in a fallen world. Our need for Jesus is always, moment by moment....second by second. But, repentance leads to life. Repentance helps build my confidence in God and who He created me to be.

Now more than ever I see it so clearly. His sovereignty over my life. My confidence in Him has led me to truly love Him and seek Him. I need to humble myself before the Lord. Realize that repentance leads to life in and with Him. Repentance transforms you into the person God created you to be. We were created to Glorify Him, not ourselves. So, when we look to the world for our security, we won't find it. Our Security is in God and His Son, whom He nailed on the cross so that I could live. My sins were nailed to the cross that day when Jesus died. All God wants us to do is "Repent and Live." Ezekiel 18:32b And life in Christ is so much more than I ever dreamed or imagined was possible:)

Pray for Harper

Psalm 34

Psalm 34

Of David. When he pretended to be insane before Abimelech, who drove him away, and he left.

1 ^[a] I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.

2 My soul will boast in the LORD;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.

3 Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.

4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.

5 Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.

6 This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.

7 The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.

8 Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

9 Fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him lack nothing.

10 The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.

11 Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.

12 Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,

13 keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking lies.

14 Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.

15 The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their cry;

16 the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.

17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.

18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

19 A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;

20 he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.

21 Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.

22 The LORD redeems his servants;
no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.

"God gave me these curls."

This was Lawson's response when asked where she got her pretty curls. The funny thing is that I said, "Well she kind of got them from me and her dad. I just straighten mine." She kept saying over and over, "God gave me these curls, God gave me these curls!" So, I told the lady what she said. It just made my heart smile. She knew the answer and wasn't so shy about telling the truth:)

Pretty much where ever we go someone comments on her curls. It has gotten to be somewhat of a problem when my feisty little girl started saying, "Look at my purty curls!" I do not want to raise a conceded girl. NO WAY. This is where I started talking to her about how God made her just the way He wanted to and He gave her the curls.

She has such a spunky little spirit. Tonight as I was lying in the bed with her, I just thanked God for her. You see He saved me when I was pregnant with her. I know I have written about it here in my blog before, but make no mistake God saved me and Lawson literally. So, when I was looking at her sweet face sucking on her thumb fast asleep it took me back to when I was pregnant with her.

We didn't find out we were having a girl until 2 weeks before she was born. Up until that time I would get ultrasounds every week and I could never see her face. I totally thought my child didn't have a face. I could never see a profile. You see, she was sucking her thumb. She cried for the first 13 weeks of her life, until she found her beloved thumb.

She would not be here if the diabetes counselor hadn't called me that day. We would be dead. I would have overdosed on insulin because the pharmacy gave me the wrong syringes. I would have taken 80 units on insulin. We would not be here if it weren't for the Lord. He saved us. I fell to my knees when I realized what would have happened if she hadn't called. Oh, how I thanked Him. But, I didn't find Him until she was 5 months old. That is when my life changed.

Sweet girl, I love you so much. More than you will ever know. I am so thankful that God made you exactly the way He wanted too. You are one of the reason's He drew me to Himself and what a gift that is. I had to quit pushing Him away. I quit fighting Him and let Him in and He has changed me. I love you to Heaven and back:)

Really Living: In Christ Alone

Really Living: In Christ Alone

Please feel free to go to my sweet friend Emily's blog and read her entry from last year. She is an amazing woman and her writings and life have touched my soul:) Thank you Emily for your words today.....In Christ Alone!

We sang this song a few weeks back at church and I had chill bumps the hole time and tears in my eyes.

Hello:)

I didn't realize that my number of views would increase so much when I decided to put my blog on my Facebook page......who was I kidding? hehe:) If you have found my blog through Facebook or other blogs that I follow, could you please just let me know who you are? I started this blog to journal about my feelings and share them with my mom and sister's. Then I just felt this pull to open up my heart and let it all out:) To not be ashamed of what the Lord is doing in my life. For those of you that "know" me, know that I am usually an open book. But, I have found in my new journey as a Christian it is sometimes hard to talk about how I really feel. These writings are very personal. So, do you mind just letting me know who you are?

Love,
Allison:)

sister's

7.456

I ran in my first 12k this morning. This race symbolizes so much of what the Lord has been doing in my life for the past 2 years. He broke me down. He drew me to Him. He has healed me. Has it been hard? Has it felt like it was never going to get better? Has it felt like He wasn't there sometimes? Has it felt like I just couldn't do it any more? Has He revealed Himself to me in ways I could never even imagine? Has He guided me through the pain? Has He put bandaids on my heart and covered them with kisses? Has He shown me a love that I never knew before? Has this race with Him been worth it? Has He changed me?

Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes and Yes. I was so nervous about this race. It started yesterday afternoon. I just kept thinking, "Am I really going to be able to do it? I have only run 6 miles one time in the past week. One time. This is 7.456 miles. Can I, Lord?" I slept, which was a blessing. I woke up at 6:30 and got ready to go. I read a few Psalms and headed out. It was raining. Drizzling and cool. But, I was ready. I had my Ipod all set up with some new tunes and I was ready. Pretty confident actually.

We started off running a pretty big hill and it was painful. Then downhill. Then uphill. I tried to keep a pretty consistent pace. Then it leveled off for a while. I was able to just run and enjoy it. Then I turn on this road and I see my car. Then I see Leighton, Mac and Lawson way up in front cheering for me. I gasped I think. It just took my breathe away. To see this beautiful family there cheering me on. My family. Cheering for me. Loving me. Encouraging me. Priceless.

Tears stream down my face right now because of the overwhelming gratitude that I have for my Lord. He has done every single one of those questions. He has provided a way for me. He has guided me and never left me on this entire 2 year journey. He has changed me in a way that I never thought was possible. Two years ago I didn't want to go on. I was miserable. I hated myself. I hurt all over. Pain is an understatement. I just wanted it to go away. But, I somehow found hope. I know that that hope was from Him. He has known all along what His plans were for me, so it has been no surprise for Him. I can just seeing Him smiling right now:)

For the first time in 2 years I feel complete. I feel totally hopeful and confident in who He created me to be. I give Him all the Glory, because Only He can do these things. He changed me from being someone that wanted it to end the race, to someone who wants to endure the race for Him. With Him. Not looking back in a negative way, but to give Him the Glory and never forget what He did for me on that cross. This race is so worth it and I can't wait until I get There and see His face and feel His arms wrapped around me. Eternal life is worth the race:)

1 Corinthians 9:24-27 (New International Version)

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

Hebrews 12

God Disciplines His Sons

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."^[a]

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. "Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

2 Timothy 4:7 (New International Version)

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

I will continue to fight the good fight. I will continue in the race. And I will always keep the faith. Thank you, Lord. Thank you.

Please pray for this family today...

Steve Caswell passed away on Saturday after a hard fight with cancer. Please pray for his wife and 5 daughters. I did not know them personally. But, found his Caringbridge site through another. His love for the Lord was amazing. His testimony of God's faithfulness, truly touched my life and so many more.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/stevecaswell

Look mommy, a bird!

Today I heard Lawson say, "Look mommy, bird, bird!" So, I ran to the front door secretly knowing it was going to be the "red bird". And it was! He is so beautiful. I am going to have to try to get a picture of him. Thank you, Lord for the gentle reminder of Your presence in my life. Not just when I see a red bird, but all the time:)

Redemption

Lord, I sing praises to You this morning.
You have lifted a heavy burden off my heart.
You have made known my unbelief in my heart.

But, through You, Your comfort and love have led me to Your Word and Your Truth.
You love me. No if's, and's or but's about it.
You don't look at me with negative eyes, You see the good.

Lord, open my eye's even more to Your goodness inside me.
Let me embrace You in me. So much so that thinking negatively about myself
will only be a remembrance of the past.

A past that has drawn me closer and closer to You.
The One and Only who gives me life.
A life that I am so thankful and grateful for.

Thank you for letting me experience true love from my dear husband.
Thank you for the two beautiful children you have given me.
Thank you for redeeming my past.
Thank you for letting me come to Your Heavenly Throne without the fear of condemnation.

Thank you for Your Son, Jesus. Thank you for sacrificing Your only Son so that I could live.
I only want Your Glory and Your Splendor revealed through my life. All the pain and uncertainty
can and will bring You Glory!

Your daughter, through Christ, Amen.

Psalm 3

Psalm 3

Save Me, O My God

A Psalm of David,^(A) when he fled from Absalom his son.

1O LORD, how many are my foes!
Many are rising against me;
2many are saying of my soul,
there is no salvation for him in God.
Selah

3But you, O LORD, are a shield about me,
my glory, and the lifter of my head.
4I cried aloud to the LORD,
and he answered me from his holy hill.
Selah

5I lay down and slept;
I woke again, for the LORD sustained me.
6I will not be afraid of many thousands of people
who have set themselves against me all around.

7 Arise, O LORD!
Save me, O my God!
For you strike all my enemies on the cheek;
you break the teeth of the wicked.

8 Salvation belongs to the LORD;
your blessing be on your people!
Selah

This first part of this post is what I wrote to the Lord this morning in my quiet time. The Psalm is what Dr. Ferguson preached on today at lunch. The previous post, "Spiritual Warfare" is what has been going on in my brain for the past few weeks. I even kept it private until today. I posted it because I wanted to show how the Lord revealed Himself to me. He can do anything:)

Dr. Ferguson said there are 4 different medicines we can take out of this Psalm 3:
1. Tell God about the situation. Write it out. Cast our burden on Him. He PROMISED to bear it for us.

2. Began to sense God with him(David). To have an ongoing consciousness that He is with you.
There is a shield ABOUT you, 360 degree shield around you. My glory, and the lifter of my head......oh, how sweet is that picture:) How comforting to picture Him touching my chin and making me look at HIM.

3. Realizes not to be afraid. You are completely safe. The strength of the Lord is about me. Dr. Ferguson also talked about sleep and how Jesus slept through the storm and was awakened by Simon Peter. He also said, "When we are helped through distress we can point others to the Lord."

4. We see a biblical "brave heart"(7-8). David is saying, "Establish Your Kingdom here, with me."
"Arise, O Lord! Save me, O my God! For YOU strike all my enemies on the cheek; YOU break the teeth of the wicked. Salvation belongs to the Lord; Your blessing be on Your people."(7-8)

Coincidence that I wrote to the Lord this morning? Oh, no. Providentially. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Spiritual Warfare

Why is it, once I think I understand something or "get it"....something else happens. The Lord has been working in me for a long time. He has done amazing things in my life. I am in AWE of His Power, Glory, really everything about Him intrigues me. I want to know more about Him. But, I am struggling. I don't know if it is unbelief. I think so. But, what is so crazy is that I REALLY do believe Him at His Word. Every word. I understand it. I feel it. But, some of it I don't.

A lot stims from childhood. My whole life I wanted Joe's love, attention and acceptance. But, it was never unconditional. There was always a catch. If I went to see him more, he was a little bit nicer to me and wouldn't say hateful things to me. Or he wouldn't make me feel so guilty. But, even if he was nicer, I was always looking for the bad. The bad is what I expected. I do remember some of the good. But the bad always stuck more than the good. Maybe this warfare is against damage done, and Him undoing it for me. I do trust that this is in His plan and His will for my life. I am looking for His Glory in this. Because, He always reveals it to me in some way.

Memories of crying for him. He not showing up(again). Not understanding. I was 5 or 6. This continued throughout my life. I just expected it. Disappointment. Hurt. Anger. Frustration. It is almost an innate response I have. Even though I accepted Jesus as my Savior almost 2 years ago, it is so hard to wrap my mind around His unfailing love for me. Crazy. It is a constant war in my brain. Trying to figure it out. Let the hurt go and just believe it. Believe Him at His word. But, I do. I truly do believe. I love Him so.

I know that He put Joe in my life for a reason. Probably to draw me closer to Him and realize that He is my true Father. I know Joe is sick. I pray for him all the time. I have truly forgiven him. Wednesday is his birthday. I usually get kind of anxious around any significant date. The last time was my birthday back in March. That was hard because it was the 2 nd birthday that he had not even acknowledged my birth. Then this summer I contacted him. The Lord really used that to heal my heart in some ways. But, it still hurts.

I just have so many questions. Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel like I am under attack? Why won't it stop? I am praying, but am I not praying the right way? Am I not confessing my sin, or do i not know exactly what the sin is? Am I in bondage to sin? Even though I know Jesus nailed my sins to the cross. I know that. Why can't I release it? Oh, Lord please protect me from satan.

I have these unrational fears. Fears that I am going to be like him. False. Not true. I am a new creation. I do have an anxiety disorder and ADD, but I am not mentally ill or addict like him. I love my children. I have trained myself to love them and it is easy now. Truly. The Lord has truly blessed me with such affectionate children. My life now is not the life that I lived. He has redeemed my past. He is healing me. I know it. I believe it. I just want the warfare to stop. Please, Lord forgive me for my unbelief. But, You know my heart. You know that I love You more than anything. I long to see you.

Please pray for Kenzie

Please pray for Kenzie's blog

Love

Snakes

Fear. Panic. Anxious. Fear. Panic. Anxious.

I really dislike snakes. Always have and always will. But, my sweet Mac loves them. LOVES them. So, this morning my sweet husband went outside to get the paper and came in this morning with, you guessed it...a snake. Now, this snake was not big at all. Maybe four inches long. The smile on Mac's face was, well pure joy. He was so excited. Me. Not so much.

We went over with Mac the rules about the snake. You can not touch the glass jar. Only mom or dad can move it. I had to come up with a spot that I could not see it everywhere I went. So, the upstairs bathroom was his home for a little while. I did let him take it in his room and meet the fish (Jr. you know like Dale;)) Lawson got to meet him too.

The day goes on and we head upstairs to play for a bit before Lawson's nap time. Mac goes in the bathroom and shuts the door. Lawson asks me if she can see the snake. I say, "sure." We walk in there and Mac says, "I think he is taking a nap." Oh no, Oh no, he is DEAD. I felt horrible. I felt horrible for this little innocent snake. My husband had poked holes in the jar. He had grass and a stick. He even had a paper towel soaked in water.

I said to Mac, "Son, he has passed away. I am so sorry." Tears. Tears flowing like a river. On the floor sobbing from Mac. I felt horrible for him and the snake. I try to calm him down and he is just sobbing. He wanted a new little pet even if it was for just today. I explained to him that we would take him outside and bury him after I put Lawson to bed.

I put Lawson to bed. Then we proceeded outside to bury the snake. We dump it out and Mac touches it and says, "Mom, you want to touch it too?" I had been talking to him about how I was working on my fear of snakes, so this was the perfect opportunity to teach. I touched the snake. I touched it. It wasn't that bad. I really did feel bad for the snake.

So, as the day has progressed I have thought about all that has been going on in my life this week. Salmonella, broken toe, school out, no pool, etc. Feeling sorry for myself. Complaining to my friend(s). Then as I was taking a shower, I thought about that snake. I thought about Satan. I thought about the story Mac and I had talked about a few minutes earlier about Jesus when He was tempted by Satan while He was fasting. I thought about the snake in the Garden. Then, while I was washing I washed off the stamp that Mac had put on my hand yesterday. It was 3 crosses and above it it said, "He is Risen."

I have the Seal of Jesus on my heart. I can wash this stamp off because, He is in my heart. I have to fight the Snake everyday. Every moment. Every second. I will always be fighting Satan. But, that Seal is there and It will never go away. He has eased my fear. He has eased my anxiousness. He has taken away my panic. For right now. For this moment it is gone. I see Him. Not, all my failures and insecurities. I am choosing to see myself as exactly the person He created me to be. The person that He knows is trying so hard to cling to Him. To FLEE from Satan. Thank you, Lord.

Please forgive me for complaining today. Please forgive me for feeling sorry for myself. Please forgive me for not looking to You for comfort and security. Please help me to cling to Your PROMISES and call on You for help.

James 4:7-10 (New International Version)

7Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.