Saturday, March 26, 2011

Truth

"By this we shall know that we are of the truth and reassure our heart before him; for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything. Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God; and whatever we ask we receive from him, because we keep his commandments and do what pleases him. And this is his commandment, that we believe in the name of his Son Jesus Christ and love one another, just as he has commanded us. Whoever keeps his commandments abides in God, and God in him. And by this we know that he abides in us, by the Spirit whom he has given us."
 
1 John 3:19-24
 
Does anyone else have that little voice in the back of your head that whispers condemnation?
Does anyone else only hear the bad stuff?  
Leighton and I watched Pretty Woman last night.
I mean I use to LOVE this movie.
What I loved about it was how she made mistakes.
But, something in her changed.

Remember the scene when he asked her how she ended up on Hollywood Blvd?
  Vivian:  "People put you down enough, you start to believe it."
Edward:  "I think you are a very bright, very special woman."
Vivian:  "The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that?" 

Well, I didn't end up on Hollywood Blvd.
But, I do know what it is like to believe the bad stuff about myself.
All I ever wanted growing up was for my real dad to love me.
I could not do anything to get him to love me.
Sometimes he wouldn't even show up to get me.
When I was four years old.
Four.

So, I have spent the majority of my life
self-protecting.
Trying to achieve or gain people's love
by works.
Condemning myself when I could not do something.
Which led to perfectionism.
OCD.

I remember Leighton asking me, 
"Did you just hear me?"
Me,
"No."
Leighton, "I just told you that I think you look beautiful."

We have now gotten to the point where he will actually grab my face in his hands
and pay me a compliment.
So I will hear him.
This has taken years.
And most of the time I still don't hear.

Because the bad stuff is easier to believe.
But, I am tired of believing the lies.
I am tired of satan whispering condemnations in my ear that drown out all that is good.
And God is Good.
That I believe.

If I can't be the best Christian,
I will read this book.
That book.
Counseling.
Weight Watchers.
Running.
Kettlebells.
Whatever to help me be the best at whatever it might be.
Or I just don't do it because I think I can't.
Or I try one time and can't so I quit.
Life story here.

The condemnations drown out 
His Grace.
His Love.
His Mercy.
His Forgiveness.
His Son.

And this is exactly what satan wants.
Exactly what he wants.
So I (we) won't believe the Truth.

But, as the verse states above.
God is greater than my heart and He knows everything.
Everything.
He created me to be just who I am.
And that is enough.
I am so tired living this way.

I don't want to condemn myself anymore.
I want Him to know I have confidence in Him.
I want Him to know I believe Him at His Word.
Not that I am going to think I am all "that",
But, I am who He made me to be.
I have been remade.
I am New.

"Forgiven.
Beloved.
Hidden in Christ.
Made in the image of the Giver of Life.
Righteous and Holy.
Reborn and Remade.
Accepted and worthy this is our new name
This is who we are now..."
Jason Gray

Dear Lord,
Thank you for being so patient with me.  Thank you for the tender way You love me.  Forgive me for putting myself down all the time.  Forgive me for not hearing the Truth.  Please change my perspective that has been ingrained in my head .  Your Word lens perspective.  Through Your Eyes.  Let me see others through Your eyes.  Change my heart, Lord.  Make it Yours.
In Jesus Name, Amen.

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."  Romans 8:1








6 comments:

Jennifer Clark-Dalpe said...

I struggle so much with this. How can God love someone so undeserving? And I lay down at night and want to hear God, but more ofter I hear the devil reminding me of all the stupid things i have done. I wish I had a sea of forgetfulness I could throw this junk into!

Allison said...

Jennifer,

The thing is we are so undeserving, but because of Christ and Who He was and what He did....we are His.

(((HUGS)))
allison

Laura said...

Thank you for sharing this. I can really empathize, and I love the Truth you shared to combat those lies!! Keep speaking it! Love, LJ

Mary Beth said...

absolutely beautiful. Love you!

Janet said...

I love you, Allison.

Brooke Turner said...

whoa, just what I needed to read - the Lord used this post to speak loudly to me. Thank you Allison. You ARE indeed beautiful, inside and out.

Brooke