Thursday, January 13, 2011

1.11.11

I did something that is so out of character for me.
You can read about it right here
Actually, you can watch what we did.

Crazy.  People.  Crazy.
But, oh how painfully sweet.
Let me explain.

I had been at home all day with my children.
We were stir crazy.
I felt like I was about to lose it.

Leighton comes home.
He can tell that I need to get OUT.
So, we are driving to Casa Linda for dinner.
LO calls and says, "Come over.  We are forming a Polar Bear Club."
Huh?  What?

The guys are jumping in the pool.
Crazy.  We will come and watch, because I have to see this to believe it.
We eat mexican and head on over to the Owens.

LO talks me into picking out a bathing suit. 
It is almost like an outer body experience.
Because the whole time I was thinking to myself.
No way, Jose.  Nope.  Not me.
I'm afraid.  I don't do fun stuff like that. 
I use too though.

You see, six years ago my life changed in a 24 hour period.
I was so fearful that something changed deep within me.
I went to take my real dad to rehab.
He had a loaded gun.
He was going to kill himself.

I pleaded with him to let me go if he was going to do it.
He was so drugged up that he barely made any sense at all.
I was scared.
Like scared beyond anything I had ever experience thus far in my life.
I didn't know if he was going to hurt me either.
I think I walked around in complete fear the entire time I was up there. 
I even had to spend the night.
I don't think I slept.
Because he was in the den with the gun.

His sickness stripped me of so much in that 24 hour time frame.
Not to mention the weeks after taking him to rehab.
Blah, blah I could go on and on about how he has consistently hurt me over and over again.
But, I won't.

BECAUSE.
"As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today. So do not fear; I will provide for you and your little ones." Thus he comforted them and spoke kindly to them."
Genesis 50:20-21

Back to the pool situation.
Jeannie and Kelly come over.
We all get ready to jump in the pool.
Hysterical.
I am almost 37 years old and I am about to jump in a pool that is surrounded by snow.
WHHHAATTTT? 

The whole time leading up to jumping, I am telling them.
"I can't do it.  I can't do it."
Their response.  "Your doing it.  Your doing it."
So, Jeannie pulls me in.  Lo jumps at the same time.
And.  Let me tell you.  I have never experienced anything like this before.

Cold water up my nose.
They said I was throwing elbows to get to the ladder. (very typical.  i am a fighter.  fo sure)
I could not breathe.  I ran straight to the corner in Lo's basement to catch my breathe. 
Shock.  I actually did it (or was made to do it;)
Then we watched the guys do it.
Hysterical.

The kids thought it was awesome.
Because. it. was.
After I got dressed and had a warm cup of decaf sitting by the fire.
A sense of rejuvenation came over my whole body.
I did it.
I had fun and did something that was totally awesome. crazy.
And I didn't die.  My heart didn't stop.
I didn't have a panic attack.
I felt a sense of relief.

God gave me this beautiful picture of redemption and restoration.
I have been living the past 6 years of my life in fear.
Debilitating fear at times.
But, God has given me a new heart.  A new song.
He is remaking me into who He wants me to be.
Not who I want me to be.

Did you get that last part of Genesis 50:21.
Joseph spoke kindly to his brothers.
Joseph comforted his brothers.
The brothers that sold him.
The brothers that wanted him dead.

Joseph knew that God meant him good by what evil had taken place.
He trusted God with every ounce of his being.
So much so, that he LOVED his brothers that had sinned against him.
LOVE.
Not hate.  Not anger.  Not disappointments.  Not abandonment or betrayal.
Comfort and kind words.

Please Lord continue to change my heart to not be fearful.  Replace my fears with Your Perfect Love.  Peace.  Happiness and Joy.  Fill me with the fruit of Your Spirit.


2 comments:

Janet said...

YES!!! Yes, Yes, Yes!!!
Allison, I love you and I'm so, so, so proud of you!!
(And I saw the video...) :^)
So happy. Loved reading this.
(We are soooo totally doing the slide next year at Windy Gap. No excuses. All of us.)

Jennifer Clark-Dalpe said...

Fear is a biggie for me too. I just tell myself over and over.
F=false
E=evidence
A=appearing
R=real
Let just face it, the fear feels so real sometime it is crippling. I also learned it is ok to be scared. Just do it. Do it scared. Not as easy as it sounds though.