Battles

"This is what the LORD says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's. You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.' " 2 Chronicles 20:15,17


Well, I really don't know where to begin...but here goes. This past Tuesday I started graduate school to get my Masters in Clinical Counseling. I am attending a Christian College to receive this degree and SOOOOO excited about this opportunity that the Lord led me to. On my way home from my first day of class I found out my husband lost his job. Yes. No. Really? Are you serious, God. No, wait....this is a joke. Pinch me please. Wake up. Dream. No. Reality.

Our treasure is NOT here. I know this. I believe this to the core of my being. At first I was very positive. This is in God's plan. He will protect us. He has better plans for us. Our faith will only get stronger. I can't wait to see what He is going to do! Then I got mad. Then I got anxious. Then I got fearful. All the "what ifs?"

So, Friday I go in to see my therapist. I truly believe that in order to be a good therapist, you need to see one also;) Let me tell you I have seen my share of them! I got out a lot of stuff. I cried. I smiled. Relief. For a little while. I go to sleep last night and wake up 3 hours after I fall asleep with a tightness in my chest. "Please, Lord....not now. Please just let me sleep. My children are out of town. All I want is sleep. NOPE. Didn't happen. So, I get up and go read in my journal. Read scripture. Go back to bed. Wake up. Tightness in my chest again. This time I go into the den shut the doors(like I always do) and start writing in my journal.

Submitting my requests to the Lord. Repenting. Requests. Repenting. Then I open my Bible. It is no secret that I suffer from PTSD. Well, every time something scary or fearful happens in my life. I basically get anxious and can't think straight. Fear takes over. But, something I learned on Friday is when you suffer something traumatic, something goes wrong in your brain. You see, I did not use to be this way. I was never anxious before. I mean maybe a little, but never the "I can't breath kind of anxious." Now I do. My brain is different, all because of one event. One event changed my brain and how I react to fearful, stressful and scary situations. This is not an everyday thing. I can handle everyday things, but life changing events. Not so great, folks.

I start reading in John 11. I read about Mary and Martha and their brother Lazarus. Lazarus is sick. Mary and Martha knew that Jesus loved Lazarus. So they go to Jesus and tell Him that he is ill. "But when Jesus heard it he said, 'This illness does not lead to death. It is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it." John 11:4 The story goes on and Lazarus does die. But, Jesus raises him from the dead. He had actually been in the tomb for 4 days before Jesus raised him from the dead.

Everything that happens in my life is for God's glory. He is teaching me to let go and let Him carry my burdens.

"Cast your burden on the LORD,
and he will sustain you;
he will never permit
the righteous to be moved." Psalm 55:22

So, tonight while I was putting Lawson to bed I decide to cast them on the Lord. While the sound machine in the background was the ocean, I just submitted them to the Lord. One. By. One. Be assured there were plenty. But, such a beautiful way to just release the pressure I feel on my chest. As I was casting them to Him, I envisioned me with a fishing pole and throwing them to Him. He was catching and I kept on submitting the burdens. Burdens I can't handle, but He can. He doesn't expect me to. It is His job and not mine.

We are trusting. We are hoping. We are having faith that He has walked the road before us and is with us always. We are claiming His Promises and believing them. We are rebuking the devil....because he is prowling around, I assure you of that! But, the Lord is stronger. His plan for us is better than anything we could ever imagine or dream of. I can't wait to tell you all about it:)

"'Ah, Lord GOD! It is you who have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and by your outstretched arm! Nothing is too hard for you..... Behold, I will gather them from all the countries to which I drove them in my anger and my wrath and in great indignation. I will bring them back to this place, and I will make them dwell in safety. And they shall be my people, and I will be their God. I will give them one heart and one way, that they may fear me forever, for their own good and the good of their children after them. I will make with them an everlasting covenant, that I will not turn away from doing good to them. And I will put the fear of me in their hearts, that they may not turn from me. I will rejoice in doing them good, and I will plant them in this land in faithfulness, with all my heart and all my soul. For thus says the LORD: Just as I have brought all this great disaster upon this people, so I will bring upon them all the good that I promise them."

Jeremiah 32:17, 37-42 English Standard Version




God's faithfulness never fails. NEVER. We will continue to, "Look to the Lord and His strength;seek His face always." Psalm 105:4

P.S. Kind of funny that my last post was entitled, "Casting out Fear.":)

"Casting Out Fear"

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not a been perfected in love." 1 John 4:18

Fear. We all know it. As someone who suffers from an anxiety disorder/PTSD this is something I have struggled with over the past two and a half years. Usually my fear manifests in some sort of fear of something. But, over the past few months God has been teaching me about His love. His love is different than anything I have ever received. There are no strings attached. It is what It Is. God is Love.

So, as He has been teaching me about His love, my fears kind of subsided. I was trusting and obeying. Joyful. Hopeful. Really. I was solely concentrating on who He created me to be and starting to embrace the good and the bad. Well, during this time the Lord put it on my heart to apply for graduate school for my Masters in Counseling. What? Seriously, I am 35 and have been out of school for 13 years. I never did "love" school. It was always a struggle for me.

I obeyed. I applied. It took me 2 weeks to complete the application process. The majority of that time was spent on writing an essay. Then last week I had the interview and test to get in school. All along I was saying, "If this is God's will, it will happen. If it is not God's will it will not happen." Period. I was trusting in Him.

The test and interview were hard on me. Emotionally and physically zapped. You see I have been in Christian Counseling for the past three years. It is amazing what the Lord has done to my heart over the past three years. I am NOT the same person I was before. Before I left the interview I was told that they wanted me in the program. What? Seriously......

Fear. Again. No. Lord, please. Well thank the Lord I didn't have full blown panic attacks. I prayed. I got in His word. But, fear continued to take over. It was covering up His love. That is why I posted this verse.

If you pray, would you please pray for me? I am kind of scared. Kind of excited. Kind of nervous. Kind of anxious. But, I am trying to concentrate on Him. This is about Him and NOT me...but oh sweet Lord, how I make it all about me. Forgive me....

Confessions

Ok, here I go.....

I, Allison, love vanilla ice cream with creamy peanut butter swirled all up in it.
I, Allison, love to laugh.
I, Allison, love for people to laugh at me. Crazy. I know.
I, Allison, am full of drama. Always have. Always will. That is the way God made me.
I, Allison, pick at my fingers until they bleed. Nervous, sick habit.
I, Allison, love Diet Mountain Dew. Crack. Seriously.
I, Allison, love my Zoloft.
I, Allison, love my therapist.
I, Allison, love BBQ potato chips.
I, Allison, just really love food.
I, Allison, am an emotional eater.
I, Allison, talk too much and sometimes don't know when to stop.
I, Allison, need to learn to not talk so much.
I, Allison, love being with my husband and kids when they are not getting on my nerves.
I, Allison, do not get on anyone's nerves......ever;)
I, Allison, have a unibrow. Yes, just like the Golden Arches at McDonald's.
I, Allison, shaved that unibrow when my mother would not let me wax it in the 6th grade.
I, Allison, love to play jokes on people.
I, Allison, love to stir up trouble.
I, Allison, love Anthropologie. I could get lost in that store for hours and spend way more money than I have.
I, Allison, did not go to Anthropologie the last time I was in Birmingham. This was a proud moment.
I, Allison, am a overthinker and try to figure it all out kind of girl.
I, Allison, have a hard time making decisions. Very frustrating.
I, Allison, have the worst problem with writing thank you notes. My mother would be so disappointed in me if she only knew......
I, Allison, have a love/hate relationship with running.
I, Allison, broke my big toe one day after talking about my best friend.
I, Allison, love the Lord with all my heart and soul.