I have struggled with words to describe what I have been going through for the past years. Somehow to explain the craziness that has been in my head. I have been trying to get to the root of the problem and figure it out. I have always been this way. I work so hard to figure it out and then once I do there is relief.
With the situation with Joe, I had to identify with how he has always made me feel. The biggest emotion assocatied with him is significance. I have never felt like I was significant to him. He never made me feel like I was important. He always chose women and things over me. I was never good enough. I could never make him love me like I knew that he should.
But identifying this powerful emotion has made sence to me and how I react to people, situations and life in general. But, mainly I am able to see what kept me away from having a relationship with my real father, Jesus Christ. I believed in Him. But, what I didn't believe was that I was significant to Him no matter what. That He died for me. So that I could live and experience a personal relationship with Him.
So I see clearly why I didn't want to have a relationship with Him. I associated Him with Joe. How Joe treated me. How Joe made me feel. But, the truth is that I do matter to Him and that is enough.