Thursday, October 29, 2009

Only God

Only God.

The first day I started graduate school, my husband lost his job. The day I drive to school to quit, my husband got a job. Only God. I have been wanting to write for a week or so and it just hasn't happened. I had a midterm due yesterday and well, life is keeping me pretty busy.

The day I drove to school to quit, I was listening to a song and just felt the Lord saying, "It isn't time yet, Allison." Ok, Lord. Whatever. That seriously had been my attitude for the past few days. I was seriously on my last leg, emotionally and physically. That very morning I had been reading Lamentations 3. I think I read it two or three times. And I am pretty sure I read the last time with my eyes rolled back in my head. I was tired. Exhausted.

So, I proceed into chapel at school. I sit down and open my Bible and read Lamentations 3 again. This time my eyes were focused. The first scripture that comes on the big screen is.....Lamentations 3. Yep, Lord...I am listening. Only God. We watched this awesome film by Tim Keller called, "The Prodigal God." I realized that I was acting as the older son. The past eight weeks had been rough. I felt an almost sense of entitlement. Like this should not be happening. I had already been through enough. Seriously, Lord couldn't you just pick someone else for a little while? A sense of self righteousness. Oh, sweet Jesus, how sorry I am. I quickly figured out that this whole time Leighton had been without a job, I was saying I was trusting in Him, but actually not really trusting Him. Yes, I got up every morning at 5 and read the Bible. I learned so much during that time with the Lord. But, what He taught me that day was so worth it.

I came home that day and told my husband that I had decided to stay in school. As he walked out the door for another interview, he told me that one job told him that they didn't want him. I kissed him goodbye and told him it was obviously not meant to be. I headed back to my room with my Bible and phone. I started texting all of my close friends to pray for him. Then I laid down on the bed and just submitted to God. There were no "what if's". No tears. No pleadings. No doubting. No questioning. Just trusting. Really trusting. I felt different. For the first time in a long time I felt a sense of peace. For an hour and a half I just prayed and read the Bible.

Then my husband called and told me that he got the job. Only God. Relief. But, actually if you want to know the sad truth my panic attacks proceeded to get worse.
I could not figure out why I would be having panic attacks. I was about to lose it. And I did. I went for a run with two of my close friends and just lost it. Came home and lost it. Tears. Tears. Tears and more tears. My head on my husbands lap. Scared.

But, you know what? That is where my healing started to take place. I had been trying to hold it together for months. Just trying to keep everything in order. I was trying to do everything and not letting God take control. I let it all out and it felt so good. I was exhausted physically and mentally. My sweet husband loved me so tenderly. He took care of the kids. He let me sleep. My friends loved me and took care of me too. They rallied around me with encouragement, love and support. They provided meals for us for a week. For a week! What a blessing my friends have been. Such a sweet and precious gift from the Lord.

I needed rest. And He provided it. He always provides. Always. Only God. I can't do anything without Him. Nothing. He is my life. I love Him more than ever. Not because Leighton now has a job, not because my panic attacks have ended, not because I feel rested. I love Him because He is here always and He knows. He knows. He loves. He provides. He is our shelter. He is the lifter of our heads. He holds us in the palm of His hand. He is there with us all the time. We are never without Him. We just have to choose to let Him in. To let Him be in charge and not want to control our lives. Submit and surrender to His will for our lives. It is hard, but oh so worth it.

"I will give you the treasure of darkness and the hoards in secret places, that you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel, who call you by your name." Isaiah 45:3

"In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength."
Isaiah 30:15

"Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him."
Isaiah 30:18

"Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him."
Psalm 34:8

"For with you is the fountain of life; in your light do we see light."
Psalm 36:9

"For I am ready to fall, and my pain is ever before me. I confess my iniquity; I am sorry for my sin."
Psalm 38:17

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me."
Psalm 51:10

Sweet friends, the Enemy will do ANYTHING to get us to believe lies. He does not want us to believe that God is all sufficient and all powerful. But, He is and always has been. God's Word is the Truth and we can fight the Enemy with the Truth. This battle is the Lord's and He will win. He will. Only God. It is His Promise.

"And God said, "This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth."

"So God said to Noah, "This is the sign of the covenant I have established between me and all life on the earth."

Genesis 9:12-17

Leighton pointed out this rainbow one morning on my way to school. As I was driving to school I looked to see the rainbow again and I saw the beginning and the end of it. I couldn't see the in between:) Amazing God!


Buffy said...

It's 4:45 a.m. and i am awake with a belly ache. So good to come to your words of encouragement. I am so sorry for your panic attacks. I know the feeling of the Lord meeting you in the midst of them, though, and that part is so sweet. Still extremely difficult, but so tender. Love you and am praying!

Lauren said...

I wanted to thank you for your vulnerability. You are precious to God and to me, sister!

PS-what a beautiful family you have :D

Shannon said...

I "accidentally" clicked on the name part of your comment on the BBTN blog...however after reading this post, it was NO accident. I cannot tell you how this post spoke to me. I needed this post tonight more than anything else. I have been dealing with some family / church issues for about the last 6 months. My husband and I made some decisions about our place of worship for our family (a different denomination from which I was raised), and it has not gone over well with my parents at all. While I feel such a relief and a perfect peace in my decision, it has caused so much strife with my parents. And it is hard. Very hard. I have realized in the last few weeks that I too have just been trying to hold it all together when in fact I feel like I am going to crumble. I am trying to rely on and trust only in God. I know that is what it is going to take to get through it.

I totally did not mean to ramble, but I felt such a connection after reading this post and just had to comment. Thank you for this post!


Shannon said...

I don't think I mentioned in my last comment, but I wanted to thank you for your honesty!