Friday, July 31, 2009
"God's faithfulness never fails us." This is on a little card that sits in my window right next to the kitchen sink. I received this little card during the time in our life when we were trying to get pregnant with Mac. I look at this card quite a bit, especially since it is in a place where I tend to spend A LOT of time. Kitchen sink...dishwasher:) Ok, and obviously I need to get the Windex out and clean my window before I load another dish in that broken dishwasher...hehe
Lamentations 3:22-24 (English Standard Version)
"The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
"The LORD is my portion," says my soul,
"therefore I will hope in him."
WOW. Let me tell you....the Lord never ceases to amaze me. NEVER.
2 Samuel 7:18 (English Standard Version)
David’s Prayer of Gratitude
"Then King David went in and sat before the LORD and said, "Who am I, O Lord GOD, and what is my house, that you have brought me thus far?"
I would have never imagined all that the Lord has done in my life over the past two and a half years, but He has. He has brought me "thus far." This past Friday morning, Mac came running in to tell me about a hummingbird that he saw. He said it was so close to him. I then told him that was my grandmother's favorite bird. He immediately wanted to call her. So, we did. Bea then told me that my real father was in the hospital. He had gone in for a hip replacement surgery and something was wrong with his heart. My heart sank. He didn't want anyone to know he was in the hospital. You see, this is how he works. He tells one person and then tells that person not to tell anyone. Well, that person he told, told my grandmother. She said she just felt it was wrong for him not to tell his own mother.
I called him. We talked. It was an emotional talk. We had not talked since Father's Day. I called him because I could never find the "right" card to send him. He has been absent for the better part of my life. After talking to him that night. The Lord put it on my heart to send him scripture or something every week. No matter what. So, I started the very next day. I continued sending him something every week. Well, Friday morning before I talked to my grandmother, I had just written him and addressed and sealed the envelope. Put the stamps on and was ready to mail it. But, I got to hand deliver it instead. We ended our conversation with me telling him that I would come the next day. My sweet husband got me a plane ticket out the next morning.
I woke up at 5 a.m. to drive to Charlotte to catch the direct flight into Huntsville. Let me tell you, I was cutting it so close. I got to the airport at 7:15 (mind you my flight was scheduled to leave at 7:45). I was running down the escalator thing like Forrest Gump. I got to my seat and had to wipe the sweat off of my face. I was so thankful to have made the flight...but was laughing at myself for running like that in the airport....high healed wedges and jeans on too;)
I make it to the hospital. I am nervous. Not frightened. Nervous. I have not been around him in so long. But, oh how I have missed him. If you have read my blog before, then you know all that has gone on with him in the past. It is just so nice to see him and catch up. He looks pretty good except that his heart has some sort of electrical problem. And they can't seem to control it with medication. So, we are waiting to hear if he will have to have an ablation.
He is a good manipulator. He always has been. After being there for about an hour, he starts telling me to basically quit shoving religion on him. He is trying to intimidate me. I back off. Mind you, I wasn't shoving it down his throat or anything, but was calling him out in some of his destructive ways. I was being open and honest with him about how the Lord has changed me. He got pretty defensive(which is not uncommon) and says that the Lord works on people in different ways. I totally agreed with him and left it at that. I did back down.
I called my friend Mary Beth for some encouragement. She gave me just what I needed to hear. And I went back in there. We had a nice afternoon. Just talking and watching a movie. Then we got into some deep stuff. I kept asking him if he was going to call Bea(his mom). He kept saying he didn't want to worry her. Then he starts on a tangent bad mouthing her. Bad mouthing my brother. I could just see his pain, hurt, disappointment and anger. Resentment to the fullest.
So, I was honest with him. I told him that he pushes people away. He doesn't allow anyone to love him. He doesn't know how to love. He doesn't. It is so sad, y'all. To see someone who doesn't know what love is, just breaks your heart. It all makes sense to me now. I told him that I know that he doesn't have the desire to live. I can just tell. He cried. But, I wasn't backing down. The Lord was calling me to love him. To show him love through Him.
1 John 4:18 (English Standard Version)
"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love."
I had to truly "trust and not be afraid" Isaiah 12:2. I showed Joe love. Christ's love. It is different than any other kind of love. His love is the kind of love that transforms. His love is the kind of love that redeems and restores brokenness. His love covers a multitude of sins. "Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins." (1 Peter 4:8)
Please pray for Joe. Pray that his heart would be healed. Physically. Pray that he would open his heart to receiving the Lord's love for him. Pray that this generational sin would end. Joe knows no other kind of love. He doesn't know how to receive or give love without expecting anything in return. He is broken. Please pray that he stays clean. Please pray for me. Pray that the Lord would protect my heart. That I would not be consumed with his problems. Pray that I won't have any expectations about our relationship. Pray that I would just listen to Him. To not want "my" way but His.
Lord, thank you for the time that I was allowed to spend with Joe. Thank you for revealing Yourself in such a real way to me. Thank you for teaching me to let You do the work and not me. Thank you for protecting me while I was there. Thank you for Your faithfulness to me. Thank you. I was once lost and blind, but now I see. And what I see now is You. Oh and how sweet it is....