loss

loss.

I miss Joe.

But, tonight was especially hard.

I told Mac a few weeks ago that Da-dada is not my real father.

Joe is my real father's name.

He didn't ask too many questions that day and actually none since.

Tonight the questions came and they were hard.

Mac, "Mom, so Ma-mama was married to Joe?"

Me, "Yes, they divorced and Ma-mama married Da-dada.  Joe is Aunt Meme's real father too.  But, Da-dada is our daddy.  Da-dada was married before Ma-mama and he had Anna and her mother passed away from Cystic Fibrosis.  Then after Ma-mama and Da-dada were married they had Aunt Susu."

Mac, "So, Joe is sick?"

Me, "Yes, baby.  I don't understand what is wrong with him.  He is just not very nice and says very hurtful things."

Mac (he starts crying, like big deep crying) "But, I want to meet him."

Oh, sweet Jesus....come.  

The tears start flowing from me.  I hold Mac and tell him that I love Joe.  I pray for Joe every day.  

Oh, sweet Jesus.....come.

Mac, "Does he not love you?"

Oh, sweet Jesus.....come.

Me, "Yes, baby he loves me.  He told me he loved me a few months ago.  But, he is sick.  Let's pray for him."

Mac, "Ok."

So, we pray for Joe.  

It was so hard and yet so good.  This life is hard.  I made sure to let Mac know that because of Joe, I came to know the Lord and it is all worth it.  ALL OF IT.  The.good.the.bad.and.the.ugly.

I can't keep my sweet boy sheltered from the bad in this world. 

I can teach him to pray.

I can teach him about the Lord.

I can teach him about real Love.

I can teach him about forgiveness.

I can teach him about trust.

I can teach him about heartbreak.

I can teach him about compassion.

The Lord is working on my boy.  He is using him in a mighty way to minister to my own heart.  He is healing my broken heart with the most precious son in the whole wide world.  

"  But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ.  Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.  For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ."  Philippians 3:7-8 ESV)

"  Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!  Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him."  

Psalm 34:8