Faithfulness

"God's faithfulness never fails us." This is on a little card that sits in my window right next to the kitchen sink. I received this little card during the time in our life when we were trying to get pregnant with Mac. I look at this card quite a bit, especially since it is in a place where I tend to spend A LOT of time. Kitchen sink...dishwasher:) Ok, and obviously I need to get the Windex out and clean my window before I load another dish in that broken dishwasher...hehe

Lamentations 3:22-24 (English Standard Version)

"The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
"The LORD is my portion," says my soul,
"therefore I will hope in him."


WOW. Let me tell you....the Lord never ceases to amaze me. NEVER.

2 Samuel 7:18 (English Standard Version)

David’s Prayer of Gratitude

"Then King David went in and sat before the LORD and said, "Who am I, O Lord GOD, and what is my house, that you have brought me thus far?"


I would have never imagined all that the Lord has done in my life over the past two and a half years, but He has. He has brought me "thus far." This past Friday morning, Mac came running in to tell me about a hummingbird that he saw. He said it was so close to him. I then told him that was my grandmother's favorite bird. He immediately wanted to call her. So, we did. Bea then told me that my real father was in the hospital. He had gone in for a hip replacement surgery and something was wrong with his heart. My heart sank. He didn't want anyone to know he was in the hospital. You see, this is how he works. He tells one person and then tells that person not to tell anyone. Well, that person he told, told my grandmother. She said she just felt it was wrong for him not to tell his own mother.

I called him. We talked. It was an emotional talk. We had not talked since Father's Day. I called him because I could never find the "right" card to send him. He has been absent for the better part of my life. After talking to him that night. The Lord put it on my heart to send him scripture or something every week. No matter what. So, I started the very next day. I continued sending him something every week. Well, Friday morning before I talked to my grandmother, I had just written him and addressed and sealed the envelope. Put the stamps on and was ready to mail it. But, I got to hand deliver it instead. We ended our conversation with me telling him that I would come the next day. My sweet husband got me a plane ticket out the next morning.

I woke up at 5 a.m. to drive to Charlotte to catch the direct flight into Huntsville. Let me tell you, I was cutting it so close. I got to the airport at 7:15 (mind you my flight was scheduled to leave at 7:45). I was running down the escalator thing like Forrest Gump. I got to my seat and had to wipe the sweat off of my face. I was so thankful to have made the flight...but was laughing at myself for running like that in the airport....high healed wedges and jeans on too;)

I make it to the hospital. I am nervous. Not frightened. Nervous. I have not been around him in so long. But, oh how I have missed him. If you have read my blog before, then you know all that has gone on with him in the past. It is just so nice to see him and catch up. He looks pretty good except that his heart has some sort of electrical problem. And they can't seem to control it with medication. So, we are waiting to hear if he will have to have an ablation.

He is a good manipulator. He always has been. After being there for about an hour, he starts telling me to basically quit shoving religion on him. He is trying to intimidate me. I back off. Mind you, I wasn't shoving it down his throat or anything, but was calling him out in some of his destructive ways. I was being open and honest with him about how the Lord has changed me. He got pretty defensive(which is not uncommon) and says that the Lord works on people in different ways. I totally agreed with him and left it at that. I did back down.

I called my friend Mary Beth for some encouragement. She gave me just what I needed to hear. And I went back in there. We had a nice afternoon. Just talking and watching a movie. Then we got into some deep stuff. I kept asking him if he was going to call Bea(his mom). He kept saying he didn't want to worry her. Then he starts on a tangent bad mouthing her. Bad mouthing my brother. I could just see his pain, hurt, disappointment and anger. Resentment to the fullest.

So, I was honest with him. I told him that he pushes people away. He doesn't allow anyone to love him. He doesn't know how to love. He doesn't. It is so sad, y'all. To see someone who doesn't know what love is, just breaks your heart. It all makes sense to me now. I told him that I know that he doesn't have the desire to live. I can just tell. He cried. But, I wasn't backing down. The Lord was calling me to love him. To show him love through Him.

1 John 4:18 (English Standard Version)

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love."

I had to truly "trust and not be afraid" Isaiah 12:2. I showed Joe love. Christ's love. It is different than any other kind of love. His love is the kind of love that transforms. His love is the kind of love that redeems and restores brokenness. His love covers a multitude of sins. "Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins." (1 Peter 4:8)

Please pray for Joe. Pray that his heart would be healed. Physically. Pray that he would open his heart to receiving the Lord's love for him. Pray that this generational sin would end. Joe knows no other kind of love. He doesn't know how to receive or give love without expecting anything in return. He is broken. Please pray that he stays clean. Please pray for me. Pray that the Lord would protect my heart. That I would not be consumed with his problems. Pray that I won't have any expectations about our relationship. Pray that I would just listen to Him. To not want "my" way but His.

Lord, thank you for the time that I was allowed to spend with Joe. Thank you for revealing Yourself in such a real way to me. Thank you for teaching me to let You do the work and not me. Thank you for protecting me while I was there. Thank you for Your faithfulness to me. Thank you. I was once lost and blind, but now I see. And what I see now is You. Oh and how sweet it is....

Teaching moment today

Well, my sweet little boy Mac, is always teaching me something. I do believe the Lord uses him in ways that sometimes I can't even wrap my head around. Today, Mac lied to Leighton. Flat out lied. And he got caught. He would have gotten away with it if I had not walked in and heard him.

I left to go to the post office and when I returned, Leighton said he was going to make Mac another sandwich. I had already made Mac a sandwich before I left. Ok, I confess...today I only made it with jelly. He always complains about not wanting peanut butter and today I caved and let him have just jelly. Well, Mac proceeded to tell Leighton that he was still starving and needed another sandwich. He even told Leighton that he had licked all the peanut butter off of the edges of the sandwich he had just finished. "Oh NO you didn't..."

I looked at Mac and he knew he was caught. I said, "Mac you just lied to your father." Mac bowed his head. He knew he was going to be in trouble. Leighton sent him to his room. Leighton headed upstairs and a little while later I heard Mac crying. My heart just sank for him. This is my child that has a tender heart. He gets so upset with himself when he messes up.

Leighton came down the stairs and I just could tell it tore him up to have to spank him. Now, Lawson on the other hand could be spanked and she would start to laugh(wonder who she is like?) Anyway, it just made me sad. This is the first time he has been caught in an outright lie. My heart was just so sad. Mac told Leighton, "I wish there was no sin in the world." Oh, baby. My sweet child.

Mac stayed upstairs for a little bit longer crying and I tried to get him to come and feed the dog. We want him to be able to move on after messing up. He can tend to dwell on things when he gets in trouble. I ended up having to go upstairs and talk with him. But before I did, I went into my room and got the picture off the wall that he drew me of a pirate ship. It is not just any ordinary pirate ship. This is a picture he colored for me and was so proud of how well he had colored in the lines. He was four years old. And it actually was the best he had ever colored.

The very day he gave me this picture, I read this in my Gospel Transformation Bible study.

The benefits of the gospel are yours in full!

The gospel is truly good news. The gospel starts you out at the very top! In Christ, you are a new creation (2 Cor 5:17). You no longer live, but Christ lives in you (Gal 2:20). The Father accepts you as a son or daughter because you are in Jesus. You now live under total acceptance with no condemnation (Rom 8:1). Nothing can separate you from the love of God (Rom 8:38-39). You are a son or daughter who is dearly loved, rejoiced over, and delighted in. That is who you really are! You are defined by who you are in Christ, not by your sin.

Thus, Paul does not begin his letters: "To all those at Rome with whom God is angry....," "To the church at Corinth, who continually test God's patience....," "To all the rebels at Philippi..."

Rather, he says, "Grace and peace, dearly loved, dear children, saints," etc. You may not feel holy and pleasing, but so what? You are holy and pleasing because you are in Christ, and your works from faith are accepted. When a young child draws a picture for her father, even if it is very imperfect the father loves it, and sticks it on his refrigerator and proudly shows it off to everyone. Likewise, what you do in faithful relationship to your heavenly Father is accepted and delightful to him."

So, after I read this, I headed upstairs to talk to him. I sat on the bed and wiped the tears off of his face. I told him that Jesus does not define him by his sin. The Lord delights in him and he is dearly loved. I want to teach him to not be scared of sin. To call it out and repent of it and move on. It is so hard. It is hard for me to do. It is hard for me to comprehend what Jesus did on the cross for me and for you. But, we aren't suppose to fully understand it.

Mac came downstairs and started to feed Jasper. He looked up at me and said, "I want to be perfect like Jesus." Oh sweet, Lord. I then proceeded to tell him that we will never be perfect in this life. Only when we get to heaven. But, I also told him that Jesus doesn't want us to live a life of wanting to be perfect. He just wants to have a relationship with us and fill us with His love and His joy. I told Mac that if we were perfect, then we would have no need for Jesus. This answer seemed to help and he moved on.

Next thing you know we are laughing and having a good time again. And off he went to basketball camp. Then I am left reflecting on how the Lord uses Mac to teach me. I spent the majority of my life trying to be perfect. Beating myself up for not being able to do it all and do it right. Do it the best. Well, the good news is that I don't have to be perfect. Jesus does not look at me and define me by my sin. He does call me to repent and walk in faith with Him. To have a relationship with Him that is open and honest. I need to look to Him. Look up and see Him smiling at me when I realize I have fallen. He also lifts my head to Him when I am too embarrassed to look up. "But you are a shield around me, O LORD; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head." Psalm 3:3.

Lord, please help me to look up and seek Your face when I fall. I seem to fall so often, but please keep reminding me that You do not define me by my sin. I don't have to be perfect. Jesus is and was that for us. Our sins were nailed to the cross. Please help me parent my precious children that you have so graciously given me. Help me guide them in Your Word and Your Truth. Teach me, Lord. Your servant is listening.

Love Never Fails

Love Never Fails
by: Brandon Heath

Love is not proud
Love does not boast
Love after all
Matters the most

Love does not run
Love does not hide
Love does not keep
Locked inside

Love is the river that flows through
Love never fails you

Love will sustain
Love will provide
Love will not cease
At the end of time

Love will protect
Love always hopes
Love still believes
When you don't

Love is the arms that are holding you
Love never fails you

When my heart won't make a sound
When I can't turn back around
When the sky is falling down
Nothing is greater than this
Greater than this

Love is right here
Love is alive
Love is the way
The truth the life

Love is the river than flows through
Love is the arms that are holding you
Love is the place you will fly to
Love never fails you

Love. Love. Love. That is what God is, Love. Through all the suffering I have endured over the past 2 and a half years, this is what matters the most. His Love. His Love never fails you. Never. I could listen to this song over and over again and never get sick of it. It is such a sweet reminder of His Love for us. Christ. What He did for us........His Love matters the most.

"This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins." 1 John 4:10

Control

The definition of control is: power to direct or determine; a relation of constraint of one entity (thing or person or group) by another; exercise authoritative control or power over; lessen the intensity of; temper; hold in restraint; hold or keep within limits; the activity of managing or exerting control over something; operate: handle and cause to function; dominance: the state that exists when one person or group has power over another; manipulate: control (others or oneself) or influence skillfully, usually to one's advantage; restraint: discipline in personal and social activities. These were just a few of the definitions I found.

The other morning in my quiet time with the Lord. I heard Him say, "Listen. Hear. Accept. Listen to Me. Hear Me. Accept Me." It has actually taken me a few days to reflect on what He revealed to me.

We spent the 4th with my family in Decatur. I started to notice that I was telling or asking Leighton to do certain things. Then after I would ask him, I would think to myself, "Why did I just ask him to do that when I could have done it, or he already knew how to do it." After about a day (or two) of doing this, he politely said, "Allison, you have been quite full of instruction." It stopped me in my tracks. I apologized and asked him to help me realize when I was instructing. I hate that I do this. I HATE it. Hate is a strong word. But, I do. The very thing I hate, I do. Why? Why Lord?

Control. This was His answer to me. Ok, Lord. I will listen. I will hear. I will accept. Control has had reign over me for a long time. It is almost innate. I do it, even when I don't realize it. But, my sin of control is being revealed to me a lot lately. The power to direct or determine another person's way somehow feels a void in me. Exercising this control over others takes my eye's off my own self. Why? Because I don't want to have to examine my heart and see what is wrong with it. I would rather exercise control over another and not look myself.

But, control doesn't stop there. I exercise control over pretty much "all" areas of my life. Husband, children, money, food and time. There are more, but these are the "big" ones. Which leads me to another "c" word. Comfort. I control to feel comfortable. Yep. That is me. I came to realize this on my trip to Alabama. I don't like to be out of my comfort zone. Where I feel safe. I feel safest sometimes at home with my little family. I feel comfortable there. I feel secure there. My anxiety creeps up on me when I feel like I am not in control. Not full blown panic attacks now. Close, but thankfully not the I can't breathe kind. When I start to feel anxious now, the Lord gently guides me back to Him. I am reminded of His Word. His Truth. His Promise. And I HAVE TO BELIEVE IT!

I have to listen and look for Him. I have to hear Him. I have to accept what He reveals to me. I have to be open to His instruction and guidance. I can not ever be "perfect". No matter how hard I try. It WILL never happen until I am in Heaven. Not here. There is NOTHING perfect on this earth and as hard as I try, it will never be. I have to accept this. I have to accept who the Lord created me to be. I have to not be scared of examining myself and finding the sin in my life. The Only One who can change me is Him.

1 Corinthians 10:13 says, "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."


Dear Lord,

Please forgive me for wanting to have control over all areas of my life. Help me to listen, hear and accept You. Help me to not be afraid of not being in control. Help me realize that You created me just the way You wanted too and that is enough. Please help me to accept the love You have for me. Please help me accept the love from other people in my life. Let Your love come through me. Fill me with Your love so that I can love others as You have loved me.

In Jesus' Name, Amen

Swimming

 

Yep, that is my girl! Lawson is full blown swimming. She is full of determination and Monday as I watched her, the Lord revealed something to me. Lawson was screaming that she didn't want to do it. Then she would take a breath and swim. She would come up to the wall and pull up. Scream again, deep breath then swim, pull up...you get the picture:) This didn't happen once. This happen 30 times. She was relentless in trying to get out of swimming, even though she KNEW she could do it.

I see so much of myself in her. As I watched her, I thought, "that is exactly what I do all the time. Scream and fight because I don't want to do what I know I need to do." What I realize is this is going to be my life. My walk with Christ. Even when I scream and fight myself on right and wrong, to do or not to do....He still loves me no matter what. What a gift. I am humbled....truly. Keep teaching me, Lord. I am listening....not all the time. But, I am trying:)

Romans 7:15 KJV

"For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I."

P.S. If you have not read, "Stepping Heavenward" by Elizabeth Prentiss, go to Amazon and get it NOW! It is an amazing book. She wrote it in the 1800's and reading it, I feel as if I am there. I know how she feels. The questions she poses. Get the book.....it is transformational:)

Wavering

Romans 4:20-21 (New International Version)

"Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised."

The past week was a week of anxiousness for me. I know that anxiousness is a symptom of me wanting to be control and self-sufficient. I know this, yet why do I feel this way. Why have I not learned my lesson to keep my eyes focused on Him. I do believe that the Lord uses my anxiousness to bring me closer to Him....each and every time it seems to creep in.

But, man this was NO fun. I have recited this scripture over and over this week. because it gives me hope. When I waver through unbelief regarding the promises of God, I can't see Him. It is like I don't want to see Him. But, this scripture says that if you DO NOT waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, your faith will be strengthened and you WILL give GLORY to GOD....being fully persuaded that God had the power to do what He had promised.

Back in February, when I saw my real dad for the first time in almost 3 years, God was faithful to me. He was a shield around me and a comfort in a very sad time. I was so confident in His promises. But, I got kind of slack. Not, that I have believed in His promises any less until last week. I started having issues again. The same kind of issues I had when I was pregnant with Lawson. Panic sunk in. I was scared. Was it happening again? Why? I don't want to have to go back and deal with all that happened. I already know it....I lived it. We almost died. But, you see we didn't.

I can't keep looking back in fear. This is what the Lord is teaching me. He redeemed my hurts from my real father and now He is doing the same with the wounds of my pregnancy with Lawson. But, I had to quit fighting Him. I wanted to control the situation and figure it all out. When in actuality after praying He revealed what He was doing and a peace came over me. That confidence in Him was restored. I learn so much every time something like this happens. But, these 2 things are what have been holding me back. I have been clinging to them. Letting them rule my feelings and that is wrong. I am not believing that He has healed me from my past. He has. I just have to accept it. And quit fighting Him. Oh, how I am a fighter......love to get it my way(you can read that post below.)

What I have found is His peace. His peace that passes all understanding. His ways are higher than my ways. I can't figure out God. I just have to believe, trust and have faith. Seems so easy, yet so hard sometimes. I do know this....He is strengthening me. I am confident that whatever the outcome of my test tomorrow is, He will be glorified. Just like everything else that has happened in my life. It has all been to His Glory.

Jeremiah 30:17 (New International Version)

17 But I will restore you to health
and heal your wounds,'
declares the LORD,

Psalm 71:8,14 (English Standard Version)

My mouth is filled with your praise,
and with your glory all the day.
But I will hope continually
and will praise you yet more and more.

The other big thing that I realized is that I have to submit to Him. It says in James 4:7, "Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you." If I submit to Him, He can fight satan for me. I truly believe why I have not been anxious is that I am rebuking satan. Quoting scripture. I love my Lord and he(satan) seeks to destroy loves that love the Lord.

I am going to kind of end on an odd note. I know my readers have increase a little and I just want you to know that I do write some heavy stuff on this blog. But, I am a girl that loves the Lord with all her heart....but loves to have a good time and laugh until I can't stop. This is just a place I find refuge in getting my thoughts about the Lord out.

Thanks for reading:)
alliemac

Foundation

What is your foundation built upon? This past week has been difficult to say the least. Well, envision a rock (a pretty big one)and Allison is trying to hold on and not fall into the water. Allison is kicking and screaming...not wanting to fall in. Even though she knows how to swim. And swimming is tough, especially for long periods of time. She has fought for the past 2 1/2 years and knows what it is like to fall. She knows all too well what it feels like to swim really hard just trying to keep her nose about the water. She knows what it is like to fall/swim and it hurts and she DOES not want to go back.

This past week for some reason I just kept looking back. Looking back at what the Lord has carried me through. Even though I know that good came out of bad, it is hard. I don't want to go back. If I start to feel like I am slipping, I think, "It is happening again....I am losing it. I can't do this. Yeah, you thought things were going well, but look....it is falling apart." Fear. Fear of the past. Fear that the lies are true, even when I know they are not. I know His word. I have studied and clung to it. I know who my God is. I love Him. I am safe with Him.

Then why can't I look forward. My precious friend, Emily (click on "Really Living" on the side and read I was Always the Strong Willed Child.") wrote this entry and it struck me...HARD. I can't keep looking back in fear. I have to be confident in what the Lord has done in my life. It just hurts. I wish that some of the things had never happened, because they hurt. It was hard trying to find the right medication. It was hard going through intensive therapy for almost 2 years. It was hard going back. It hurt.

I prayed yesterday just to let me rest in the Lord and enjoy. I begged Him to just not let the fear creep in. Please, Lord. Well, last night I decided to up my medication just a little. I really felt like I needed to do this so I could see a little clearer. I awoke this morning and it hit me like a ton of bricks...right in between the eyes. It was as if the Lord was saying, "Allison, you have not truly let Me heal your wounds from the past 2 years. Let Me, ask Me to heal those painful memories. You know that I have healed so much in your life. Why do you continue to fight Me. Why? Do you enjoy wallowing in the "what was"? You saw what I did with the painful memories from your childhood. Let Me. Look forward."

Today's sermon was Luke 6:46-49 (English Standard Version)

Build Your House on the Rock
"Why do you call me 'Lord, Lord,' and not do what I tell you? Everyone who comes to me and hears my words and does them, I will show you what he is like: he is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house and could not shake it, because it had been well built. But the one who hears and does not do them is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. When the stream broke against it, immediately it fell, and the ruin of that house was great."

My foundation is built upon the Rock. But, it doesn't mean that I will lead a life of no pain, no suffering and no sin. When the floods come, my foundation in the Lord is strong, deep and powerful. This foundation is built upon His Word. His Truth. Dr. Ferguson's children's sermon this morning was awesome! The kids sang this song:


The Wise Man Built His House

The wise man built his house upon the rock
The wise man built his house upon the rock
The wise man built his house upon the rock
And the rain came tumbling down

Oh, the rain came down
And the floods came up
The rain came down
And the floods came up
The rain came down
And the floods came up
And the wise man's house stood firm.

The foolish man built his house upon the sand
The foolish man built his house upon the sand
The foolish man built his house upon the sand
And the rain came tumbling down

Oh, the rain came down
And the floods came up
The rain came down
And the floods came up
The rain came down
And the floods came up
And the foolish man's house went "splat!" [clap hands once]

So, build your house on the Lord Jesus Christ
Build your house on the Lord Jesus Christ
Build your house on the Lord Jesus Christ
And the blessings will come down

Oh, the blessings come down
As your prayers go up
The blessings come down
As your prayers go up
The blessings come down
As your prayer go up
So build your house on the Lord Jesus Christ.


Jesus Christ. Foundation. Rock. Hope. Healing. Restoration. Redemption. Refuge. Joy. Love. Blessings. I can't do anything by myself. I am nothing without Him. Why not "let go and let God?" I am Yours.

Psalm 18:1-6,30

I love you, O LORD, my strength. The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised,
and I am saved from my enemies.

The cords of death encompassed me;
the torrents of destruction assailed me;
the cords of Sheol entangled me;
the snares of death confronted me.

In my distress I called upon the LORD;
to my God I cried for help.
From his temple he heard my voice,
and my cry to him reached his ears.

This God—his way is perfect;
the word of the LORD proves true;
he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him.

Dear Lord,

Please forgive me. Forgive me for my unbelief. Forgive me for wanting to wallow in the "what was". Forgive me for holding on too tightly to the pain because I am fearful of the joy. Cleanse my heart. Make me new. Help me accept your forgiveness and love. Help me move forward and not look back in fear. Let me look back in full confidence and security in who You created me to be in You. These things and situations happened in my life so I can be a living testimony to Your Glory. Lord, instill in me an excitement about the future. Help me look forward to Your plans for me and not be fearful of what is to come. Please don't let the devil rob me of joy ANY longer. Help my foundation in You stand FIRM. I want to live a JOYFUL life in You. I want to be Your light. I want to shine for You:)

Beauty

 

"My Way"

"He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble His way." Psalm 25:9

Something I have spent the majority of my life dealing with is this constant feeling of wanting it "my way". My way is better. My way is right. No one else can do anything like I can. Try if you would like, but no way is your way better. Especially is you are someone who constantly tries to do and say things better than I. GAME ON....

Well, my way is NOT His way. Never has and never will be. I bring this up because it seems the Lord keeps bringing this up to me. I am really being convicted of my "obsession with self". Dr. Ferguson's sermon today really hit me hard...right in the heart actually. Envision a knife and it being turned in my heart. Oh yeah, baby! He preached on Luke 6:27-36, "Who Loves His Enemies?". What Lord? Are you talking to me? Today out of all days....when yesterday I had my feelings hurt and my heart trampled on again?

Dr. Ferguson said, "Loving your enemy is evidence that the Lord has delivered the believer from his obsession with self." I would say that I spend about 85% of my day consumed with "me" and the other 15% about others. This life is not about me. I live because Christ died for me. I need to humble myself to the Lord. If you look up the word humble in the dictionary you will find this: to make meek and submissive to the divine will often used reflexively; having or showing a consciousness of one's defects or shortcomings; not proud; not self assertive, modest. In Psalm 25:9 David says, "He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble his way." His way is the right way. And only when I humble myself and submit to His will in my life will I receive His reward. Luke 6:35 says, "But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil." Wow. "Love your enemies, do good, lend, expecting NOTHING in RETURN, and your reward will be great..." Expect nothing in return.

So today the Lord has revealed to me my "obsession with self" and how I expect something in return for something I have done. Wow. I am in need of The Savior something FIERCE. Jesus died. He died so I could live. I am His enemy and look what He did for me. This is how I am repaying Him....by being consumed with myself and always expecting something in return.

Oh sweet Jesus, please forgive me. Forgive me for being so consumed with myself that I am missing out on experiencing complete joy in You. Forgive me for not forgiving someone who continues to hurt me. Forgive me for not loving my enemies. Forgive me for being so self righteous. Forgive me for my prideful heart. Forgive me for being religious righteous. Forgive me for forgetting who I am in You. Forgive me for not loving You with my whole heart. Forgive me for not being humble. Forgive me for taking my frustrations out on my husband because of what someone else has done to hurt me. Forgive me for expecting so much out of my husband. Forgive me for feeling like I "deserve" this or that. Because I don't deserve anything without You. Thank you for loving me like You do. Thank you for revealing to me faults that need correction. Thank you for Your Word that says, You will lead the humble in the right way and teach Your way. Thank you for brokenness. Because in that brokenness is where You do Your best work. You redeem and You restore, Lord. Thank you........

Laughing....

I just watched a precious video of a dear friend. Barkley and her husband were coming home from Jamaica and she wanted to get Claire's reaction. Well, Claire went straight for her daddy....I couldn't help but die out laughing:) Thanks Barkley for sharing your precious girl!

Seeing that video reminded me of potty training Lawson. Mrs. Dawn (her teacher) told me for weeks that Lawson was going potty at school. Let me just say that I was not all for pushing her until she was ready. Well, finally I decided to send Lawson to school for the first time with panties on. She didn't have an accident all day. I was so proud of her.

Well, we were going to Chick-fil-a that night for dinner. I said, "Lawson, you have to go potty before we can go to eat." She replies, "I NOT GO POTTY!" As she proceeds to fall on the floor....you know what I am talking about;) Leighton comes home from work and I literally was about to pull my hair out. I told him how she would not go potty for me. He immediately said, "Lawson McLendon, go potty right now or you are not going to Chick-fil-a." She replies, "Alright daddy!" You can only imagine how she said it to. Kind of with a flirty almost...ok anything you say kind of attitude. We died out laughing:) Little did she know that I was prepared to go to war with her now. We spent the next 3 or 4 days literally me sticking to my guns and not giving in:)

I will never forget how she said that to her daddy that day! We had our teacher conference today and I am just so proud of her. It just makes my heart smile to think about my precious girl! I can't believe she is about to be 3! Her party is Saturday and I am getting so excited! I will post pictures of the big event:) Sarah Dippity is coming to our house!

3 years ago...

Around this time of year, I am constantly reminded of how God saved me. On May 17th my sweet Lawson will be 3 years old. A few weeks before she was born, I almost died. God had other plans for me and for that I am so thankful. I was about 32 weeks pregnant and I had to start insulin. I went into my OB/GYN and she was out that day so a different Dr. prescribed the insulin for me. Mac was with me and I remember him saying, "Mommy, I have to go poo poo!" The dr. wrote the prescription and the nurse came in to show me what to do. I was so distracted and the nurse said that someone would be calling me from the Diabetes Center to set up an appointment. Needless to say, I had given myself shots to get pregnant twice....so I was just like, Ok....I can do this.

Pregnancy with Lawson was filled with issues. Starting at 20 weeks I started to have blood in my stool. I had just finished a Z pack for a sinus infection. It only got worse from there. I ended up having to have a colonoscopy. I can't even tell you how horrible that was. The Dr. called to tell me I had Chrohn's Disease and I needed to start taking prednisone. I was very resistant because my sister had taken it before and she swelled up and it was just hard to think of having to go on this drug. So, one day later Leighton had to drive me to the Emergency Room because I was in so much pain. It was a pain that I can't even explain. I thought I was dying. The whole ride to the hospital I had my eyes shut and was moaning. Mac was with us, unfortunately. They finally got me over the the Ob floor. A Dr. came in to see me and I threw up all over him. Then it all happened so fast. Ultrasounds and they couldn't find anything. They gave me heavy doses of pain meds and it didn't even help. So, that is when they started pumping me full of prednisone. It is a miracle drug in some ways. It is the only thing that made me start to feel better. Prednisone raises your insulin levels, so that is why I had to start taking insulin.

So, night 2 on the insulin, I woke up and stammered to the bathroom and almost couldn't make it back to the bed. I almost fainted. Leighton got me crackers and juice and I finally came out of it. I called my OB that morning. She called me back to up my insulin from 4 units to 8 units. She also said that the Diabetes Counselor would be calling me that day. Around 4:30 the Diabetes Counselor called me. We talked for a little bit and then she told me to go and get my syringes. I looked at the syringes and fell to my knees. The pharmacy had give me 100 unit syringes. I was suppose to be taking 4 units of insulin and I had been taking 40 units of insulin for 2 nights in a row. Then that night I would have taken 80 units of insulin. We would have died. No question about it. Then the lady tells me that she usually leaves every day at 4 pm. This was 5 pm by now.

I knew it was God that had saved us. Confident it was Him. But, I still wasn't fully ready to submit to Him. He still had other plans for me. I ended up meeting with the diabetes counselor and regulated my sugars until Lawson was born. She was born at 36 weeks and 5 days. I had to have 2 amnios to see if her lungs were developed. A pregnant lady had lost her baby a year earlier at this same hospital and she had been on insulin. So, they were very precautious with me. Especially after the syringe incident. She was healthy and didn't have to spend time in the NICU at all.

Things were still not alright with me. I still felt kind of "off". I was so thankful and grateful. But, I was not connecting with her. I was starting to feel even more disconnected to Leighton and Mac too.

I will finish this later.....

I left off last entry about feeling disconnected. I am pretty sure I had postpartum depression from the beginning after Lawson was born, but I didn't break until she was 4 1/2 months old. I was participating in Bible Study Fellowship's study of Romans. Woah.....It really threw me for a loop. I guess it was my first dose of how really awful and sinful I was. After studying about 3 chapters, I lost it. Literally. Leighton had to drive me to an OB that I had never met before after having a full blown I can't breathe panic attack in the church parking lot. I thought I was going crazy. Truth is, I kind of was. There is blessing in suffering. I know that now. I did not know that then. I didn't know it then because I didn't know Christ. I believed in Him. I believed in God. I just didn't understand my need for Him.

Well, I was on my knees praying that He would save me from the pit of despair. I hate to even write about this because it takes me back to a place sometimes I would rather forget. But, I can't. He used my brokenness to heal me. After getting on some much needed medication and starting weekly counseling, things started to improve a little. I felt a little more connected. Truth be told is I wanted to leave. I wanted to leave my life and go somewhere, although I have no idea where I thought I was going to go. I didn't want to be with Leighton. I didn't want to be with Mac. I didn't want to be with Lawson. I was scared to say the least.

I had to get to the root of the problem. Leighton and I had grown apart. We grew apart because of built up resentment. Resentment on both parts. Not that one did more than the other. We were both at fault. We went through counseling and it helped so much. We had to work hard to forgive one another and move on from our past. The Lord really has redeemed and restored our marriage. For that I am so thankful for. I love him more now than I ever have. I feel close to him than I ever have. God used our resentment to draw us to Him.

Sin is the root of all evil. We all sin. We all far short. I am not scared to read Romans anymore. Now I try to look for my sin and call it out. Then repent of it. There are so many times I will be struggling and almost fighting to NOT to have to look at the sin. But, the sweet Lord always provides a way for me to dig kind of deep and not be scared. To confront my sin. Look at it, see where it came from and try to turn from it. Do I fail? You bet your bottom dollar(Oh, that is one of my favorite Annie songs...)But, this is part of sanctification. I will never be perfect this side of Heaven. No matter how hard I try. Never will I be perfect. Jesus is the Only One who was without sin. The One and Only One. He is the One and Only that I am trying so hard everyday to fix my eyes on. To see Him in everything. He nailed all of our sins to the cross. He looks at us as if we have never sinned. That is nothing short of amazing. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for the brokenness in my life. Thank you for the heartache and struggles. It is in brokenness that I feel closest to You. And it makes the times in my life where there isn't much hurt or pain more enjoyable:)

Proverbs 28:13 (New International Version)

13 He who conceals his sins does not prosper,
but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.

Isaiah 30:15 (New International Version)

15 This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says:
"In repentance and rest is your salvation,
in quietness and trust is your strength,
but you would have none of it.

1 John 1:9 (New International Version)

9If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

Paradoxes of the Kingdom
A Puritan prayer

Lord, you have brought me to the valley of vision
Where I live in the depths but see you in the heights;
hemmed in by the mountains of sin I behold your glory
Let me learn by paradox that the way down is the way up
that to be low is to be high
that the broken heart is the healed heart
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
that to have nothing is to possess all,
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
that to give is to receive,
that the valley is the place of vision.


Dear Lord,

Teach me, mold me and hold me. I know that Your ways are not my ways. Your thoughts are not my thoughts. Teach me more about Your word and draw me nearer....

In Jesus name, Amen

Please pray for Stellan

"Look momma"

"Look momma, Jesus is holding a green popsicle stick!" This is what I said to my mother when we drove by The Vulcan in Birmingham, Alabama. I was probably around 3 or 4 years old. I am sure she could tell me for sure. The Vulcan use to have a green light if there were no accidents and red if there had been. I don't know why this thought struck me this morning on my run. I guess it must be all the red birds that I see while I am running, that get me thinking about Jesus:) You can read here about my post on red birds

He is teaching me right now to seek Him. To look for Him in everything. It is hard, you know. Because the flesh part of me usually wins. But, sometimes He wins. When He wins is when He does His best work. He is changing me. He is molding me. He is shaping me into the person He wants me to be. I was put here on this earth to Glorify Him, not myself. And it is hard. We were made to instinctively be about ourselves. All because of the Fall. I am learning more and more about His Grace. Justification. Sanctification. But, I won't be whole until I meet Him face to face. And can I just tell you, how I long for that? I mean not right now. But, when He calls me Home.

I just now am experiencing joy for the first time in my life. I mean "real Joy". Joy that can only come from Him. It is satisfying my thirst. But, I still struggle. Everyday. Let's get real....life is hard. It is not perfect and won't be until we leave this earth. I sin. I fall short. I say hurtful things. I might not spend "enough" time with my kids. I might give enough attention to my husband. I might say something that wasn't appropriate, or think it;). My list could go on and on. Some stuff I wouldn't even want you to know about me. But guess what....He loves me. And that is just so sweet to know. It reminds me of a sign that my aunt gave me when I was pregnant with Mac. It said, "You make my heart smile....."

Jesus makes my heart smile:) When I see Jesus holding up a red light(imagination here)is when I need to look to Him. When it is green, I still need to look to Him. It is Him and Only Him that can do more than we can think or imagine.....

"Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always." Psalm 105:4.

"Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders You have done. The things you have planned for us no one can recount to You; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many too declare." Psalm 40:5

Dear Lord,

I will try to seek Your face always, but when I don't please gently(or not) use whatever You need to to get my attention. My joy comes from You and all that You have done for me. Thank you for loving me the way you do. Lord, thank you for all of the wonderful people You have put in my life. Please be with baby Stellan. Thank you for his mother's words this morning. To You be the Glory.....To You be the Glory.

In Christ Alone

Please pray for Stellan

Hope Floats

I first saw the movie, "Hope Floats" with Leighton in a movie theater. We had only been dating for a couple of weeks. He was really kind to go and see such a "girly" movie. If you have seen the movie then you are probably familiar with the scene where the little girl cries hysterically while her father drives off. When I first saw this scene I couldn't cry like I wanted too in the movie theater. Instead it happened in the driveway at Leighton's house. Sobbing. Heart wrenching pain. Leighton just held me as I cried. You see, I hadn't seen or spoken to my real father in months.

I knew that little girls pain. I knew it more than I wanted to know. I just wanted him to love me. To want to be with me. To hug me. To tell me he was proud of me. To tell me he loved me. I asked my mom a few months ago what it was like when I was a child. A lot of my childhood memories are lost. So, I asked her straight up...."What happened? Did I go and stay with him when I was little? What did you do when I was gone?" She then proceeded to tell me there were times when he would say he would be there and he just wouldn't show up. She said I would just cry and cry. After she told me this it was actually quite healing for me. In God's way, He wrapped His arms around me and filled me with His Truth and comforted me.

So, about 2 weeks ago I was flipping through the channels and "Hope Floats" was on Lifetime. I actually changed the channel and then I went back. I watched. But, this time it was different. This time I watched it with my Lord:) While I was watching , I was also looking through a book I had read called, "The Wounded Woman". I have so many lines in that book underlined it is almost funny;) But, when the scene was approaching I was watching and to my surprise my heart didn't hurt. I was watching and what I saw was me. But it was me looking at that little girl and seeing what God has done in my life and I actually smiled. I smiled. I smiled with tears in my eyes.....

Then I read this in my book on the last page, "God doesn''t want to hurt us, but He is willing to use our pain to accomplish great things in us and around us. Zane Grey once wrote that his recipe for greatness was "tp bear up under loss, to fight the bitterness of defeat and the weakness of grief, to be a victor over anger, to smile when tears are close....to look up with unquenchable faith in something ever more about to be." Then it goes on to say, "This is what I want: an unquenchable faith. Yet without wounds, my faith remains untested. And without moving forward, my faith will be unrewarded. In the end, we must never forget that God loves us. He yearns to heal our wounds when the time is right. He is waiting to comfort us as soon as we ask Him. He is eager to strengthen us as we lean more and more on Him. So as we walk this trouble-filled world, let us hold firmly to His joy, His peace, His purpose, and especially His hope. For it is through hope that we move forward, and it is in moving forward that we discover that God can meet our every need."

My words fail me, but His NEVER will. His Truth is my hope.

Romans 5
Peace and Joy
1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we[a]have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we[b] rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we[c] also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

6You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. 7Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. 8But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

9Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him! 10For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! 11Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for taking my wounds and healing them by the blood of Your Son, Jesus. Thank you for increasing my faith. I now come to You when I am thirsty. Even when I don't You still love me and gently guide me. Lord, please let me be a witness to Joe. If it is Your will, give me the strength to minister to him. I do feel like his addiction and mental illness blind him. But, Lord Your ways are not mine. If You can save me, a horrible sinner I know that You can do anything. Please lead me in Your will. I will follow. I will listen.

In Jesus name, Amen

Songs of Praise

Isaiah 12

Songs of Praise

¹ In that day you will say:
"I will praise you, O LORD.
Although you were angry with me,
your anger has turned away
and you have comforted me.

² Surely God is my salvation;
I will trust and not be afraid.
The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song;
he has become my salvation."

³ With joy you will draw water
from the wells of salvation.

⁴ In that day you will say:
"Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name;
make known among the nations what he has done,
and proclaim that his name is exalted.

⁵ Sing to the LORD, for he has done glorious things;
let this be known to all the world.

⁶ Shout aloud and sing for joy, people of Zion,
for great is the Holy One of Israel among you."

My heart rejoices in the Lord for the mighty things He has done in my life. I am saddened today by the loss of my grandfather. He passed away early this morning. He was Joe's father. I am so sad for my grandmother, Bea. She has been with him since she was 18.

You see, I haven't seen my real father in almost 3 years. I have only spoken with him once and that was when I called him. He has not been someone safe for me to be around or my children. I pray for him everyday that he would come to know the Lord and His love for him.

It is kind of strange because in some ways I am not scared to see him and I am in others. I am not scared because I believe in God's promises to me. I believe them with all my heart and soul. But, on the other hand....I have grieved over the lost relationship with my earthly father, Joe. You see, I love him. I love him so much. I love how much fun it was to be around him and the way he would make me laugh. I loved just being with him up at the farm. I loved sitting out on the front porch gazing out at the stars and hear nothing but the quietness of the night.....I loved riding in the car with him in the country. I just loved spending time with him, when he was well and not sick......But, the majority of his life he has been sick.

I am just praying that God was use me in a mighty way with Joe. That He would allow me to be calm and rest in Him and His promises. God knew before I was even formed in my mother's womb, that this would be my life and everything in it. He knew that out of my brokenness, He would draw me to Him. I have suffered from PTSD from and incident with Joe and had to fight panic attacks....the kind where you can't breathe and you think you are going crazy. I clung to this verse in Isaiah 12:2, "I will trust and not be afraid." But, not until today did I read the whole verse and truly comprehend how He used my suffering and that I would now be singing Songs of Praise and not Songs of Fears........

"The Lord, the Lord, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation."

I want to shout from a mountaintop what the Lord has done in my life. I truly can't contain it anymore:) The Glory is all Yours, Lord......Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Confidence

I have struggled all of my life with feelings of insecurity. I never felt like I was good enough. When I looked in the mirror all I saw was bad. All of my insecurities led to misery. The only way I know how to describe this first 32 years of my life was insecurity. Searching for something to fill me and make me feel whole. Something to complete me. Satisfy me. Fill me to the brim so to say. I was baptized as an infant. I attended church. I was confirmed. I took communion. I believed in Jesus. I believed in God. But, still lacked confidence. I went all over to try to find myself. I went to enough counselors, but no one could fill the void I was missing. I went everywhere, except to Jesus.

I lacked the confidence in Jesus. I was looking to the world for my "identity". It took me 32 years to find Jesus. Or should I say, surrender to Jesus. Not only was I insecure, but quite stubborn. I associated Jesus and God with how my earthly father treated me. So, I wanted no part in that....thanks but no thanks. Oh, but my sweet Jesus had plans for me. Super duper plans that entailed a wild and crazy roller coaster ride, leading me to Him. (You can read other entries if you want the full story;))

So, today I did part of my Gospel Transformation chapter called, "Repentance and Transformation." And it was like the Holy Spirit lit a fire under me and revealed something to me. I know and knew how terrible I was for those 32 years. What I didn't know or feel was God's love for me in Jesus. I was looking for security in the world and not in God. If I am confident in who God created me to be, I am more likely to humbly repent of my sins. By repenting of my sins, cleanses me and brings me into relationship with Jesus. Being confident in who God created me to be, takes the focus off of me and more outwardly focused.

"He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy." Proverbs 28:13 You will not find rest when you cover your sin. If you claim it and confess it, you are forgiven and He provides relief of suffering in a kind and compassionate way. I never found rest without Jesus. I still struggle to find rest in Jesus because I still chose my will over His will. But, this is the reality of living in a fallen world. Our need for Jesus is always, moment by moment....second by second. But, repentance leads to life. Repentance helps build my confidence in God and who He created me to be.

Now more than ever I see it so clearly. His sovereignty over my life. My confidence in Him has led me to truly love Him and seek Him. I need to humble myself before the Lord. Realize that repentance leads to life in and with Him. Repentance transforms you into the person God created you to be. We were created to Glorify Him, not ourselves. So, when we look to the world for our security, we won't find it. Our Security is in God and His Son, whom He nailed on the cross so that I could live. My sins were nailed to the cross that day when Jesus died. All God wants us to do is "Repent and Live." Ezekiel 18:32b And life in Christ is so much more than I ever dreamed or imagined was possible:)

Pray for Harper

Psalm 34

Psalm 34

Of David. When he pretended to be insane before Abimelech, who drove him away, and he left.

1 ^[a] I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.

2 My soul will boast in the LORD;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.

3 Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.

4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.

5 Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.

6 This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.

7 The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.

8 Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

9 Fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him lack nothing.

10 The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.

11 Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.

12 Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,

13 keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking lies.

14 Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.

15 The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their cry;

16 the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.

17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.

18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

19 A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;

20 he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.

21 Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.

22 The LORD redeems his servants;
no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.

"God gave me these curls."

This was Lawson's response when asked where she got her pretty curls. The funny thing is that I said, "Well she kind of got them from me and her dad. I just straighten mine." She kept saying over and over, "God gave me these curls, God gave me these curls!" So, I told the lady what she said. It just made my heart smile. She knew the answer and wasn't so shy about telling the truth:)

Pretty much where ever we go someone comments on her curls. It has gotten to be somewhat of a problem when my feisty little girl started saying, "Look at my purty curls!" I do not want to raise a conceded girl. NO WAY. This is where I started talking to her about how God made her just the way He wanted to and He gave her the curls.

She has such a spunky little spirit. Tonight as I was lying in the bed with her, I just thanked God for her. You see He saved me when I was pregnant with her. I know I have written about it here in my blog before, but make no mistake God saved me and Lawson literally. So, when I was looking at her sweet face sucking on her thumb fast asleep it took me back to when I was pregnant with her.

We didn't find out we were having a girl until 2 weeks before she was born. Up until that time I would get ultrasounds every week and I could never see her face. I totally thought my child didn't have a face. I could never see a profile. You see, she was sucking her thumb. She cried for the first 13 weeks of her life, until she found her beloved thumb.

She would not be here if the diabetes counselor hadn't called me that day. We would be dead. I would have overdosed on insulin because the pharmacy gave me the wrong syringes. I would have taken 80 units on insulin. We would not be here if it weren't for the Lord. He saved us. I fell to my knees when I realized what would have happened if she hadn't called. Oh, how I thanked Him. But, I didn't find Him until she was 5 months old. That is when my life changed.

Sweet girl, I love you so much. More than you will ever know. I am so thankful that God made you exactly the way He wanted too. You are one of the reason's He drew me to Himself and what a gift that is. I had to quit pushing Him away. I quit fighting Him and let Him in and He has changed me. I love you to Heaven and back:)

Really Living: In Christ Alone

Really Living: In Christ Alone

Please feel free to go to my sweet friend Emily's blog and read her entry from last year. She is an amazing woman and her writings and life have touched my soul:) Thank you Emily for your words today.....In Christ Alone!

We sang this song a few weeks back at church and I had chill bumps the hole time and tears in my eyes.

Hello:)

I didn't realize that my number of views would increase so much when I decided to put my blog on my Facebook page......who was I kidding? hehe:) If you have found my blog through Facebook or other blogs that I follow, could you please just let me know who you are? I started this blog to journal about my feelings and share them with my mom and sister's. Then I just felt this pull to open up my heart and let it all out:) To not be ashamed of what the Lord is doing in my life. For those of you that "know" me, know that I am usually an open book. But, I have found in my new journey as a Christian it is sometimes hard to talk about how I really feel. These writings are very personal. So, do you mind just letting me know who you are?

Love,
Allison:)

sister's

7.456

I ran in my first 12k this morning. This race symbolizes so much of what the Lord has been doing in my life for the past 2 years. He broke me down. He drew me to Him. He has healed me. Has it been hard? Has it felt like it was never going to get better? Has it felt like He wasn't there sometimes? Has it felt like I just couldn't do it any more? Has He revealed Himself to me in ways I could never even imagine? Has He guided me through the pain? Has He put bandaids on my heart and covered them with kisses? Has He shown me a love that I never knew before? Has this race with Him been worth it? Has He changed me?

Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes and Yes. I was so nervous about this race. It started yesterday afternoon. I just kept thinking, "Am I really going to be able to do it? I have only run 6 miles one time in the past week. One time. This is 7.456 miles. Can I, Lord?" I slept, which was a blessing. I woke up at 6:30 and got ready to go. I read a few Psalms and headed out. It was raining. Drizzling and cool. But, I was ready. I had my Ipod all set up with some new tunes and I was ready. Pretty confident actually.

We started off running a pretty big hill and it was painful. Then downhill. Then uphill. I tried to keep a pretty consistent pace. Then it leveled off for a while. I was able to just run and enjoy it. Then I turn on this road and I see my car. Then I see Leighton, Mac and Lawson way up in front cheering for me. I gasped I think. It just took my breathe away. To see this beautiful family there cheering me on. My family. Cheering for me. Loving me. Encouraging me. Priceless.

Tears stream down my face right now because of the overwhelming gratitude that I have for my Lord. He has done every single one of those questions. He has provided a way for me. He has guided me and never left me on this entire 2 year journey. He has changed me in a way that I never thought was possible. Two years ago I didn't want to go on. I was miserable. I hated myself. I hurt all over. Pain is an understatement. I just wanted it to go away. But, I somehow found hope. I know that that hope was from Him. He has known all along what His plans were for me, so it has been no surprise for Him. I can just seeing Him smiling right now:)

For the first time in 2 years I feel complete. I feel totally hopeful and confident in who He created me to be. I give Him all the Glory, because Only He can do these things. He changed me from being someone that wanted it to end the race, to someone who wants to endure the race for Him. With Him. Not looking back in a negative way, but to give Him the Glory and never forget what He did for me on that cross. This race is so worth it and I can't wait until I get There and see His face and feel His arms wrapped around me. Eternal life is worth the race:)

1 Corinthians 9:24-27 (New International Version)

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

Hebrews 12

God Disciplines His Sons

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."^[a]

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. "Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

2 Timothy 4:7 (New International Version)

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

I will continue to fight the good fight. I will continue in the race. And I will always keep the faith. Thank you, Lord. Thank you.

Please pray for this family today...

Steve Caswell passed away on Saturday after a hard fight with cancer. Please pray for his wife and 5 daughters. I did not know them personally. But, found his Caringbridge site through another. His love for the Lord was amazing. His testimony of God's faithfulness, truly touched my life and so many more.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/stevecaswell

Look mommy, a bird!

Today I heard Lawson say, "Look mommy, bird, bird!" So, I ran to the front door secretly knowing it was going to be the "red bird". And it was! He is so beautiful. I am going to have to try to get a picture of him. Thank you, Lord for the gentle reminder of Your presence in my life. Not just when I see a red bird, but all the time:)

Redemption

Lord, I sing praises to You this morning.
You have lifted a heavy burden off my heart.
You have made known my unbelief in my heart.

But, through You, Your comfort and love have led me to Your Word and Your Truth.
You love me. No if's, and's or but's about it.
You don't look at me with negative eyes, You see the good.

Lord, open my eye's even more to Your goodness inside me.
Let me embrace You in me. So much so that thinking negatively about myself
will only be a remembrance of the past.

A past that has drawn me closer and closer to You.
The One and Only who gives me life.
A life that I am so thankful and grateful for.

Thank you for letting me experience true love from my dear husband.
Thank you for the two beautiful children you have given me.
Thank you for redeeming my past.
Thank you for letting me come to Your Heavenly Throne without the fear of condemnation.

Thank you for Your Son, Jesus. Thank you for sacrificing Your only Son so that I could live.
I only want Your Glory and Your Splendor revealed through my life. All the pain and uncertainty
can and will bring You Glory!

Your daughter, through Christ, Amen.

Psalm 3

Psalm 3

Save Me, O My God

A Psalm of David,^(A) when he fled from Absalom his son.

1O LORD, how many are my foes!
Many are rising against me;
2many are saying of my soul,
there is no salvation for him in God.
Selah

3But you, O LORD, are a shield about me,
my glory, and the lifter of my head.
4I cried aloud to the LORD,
and he answered me from his holy hill.
Selah

5I lay down and slept;
I woke again, for the LORD sustained me.
6I will not be afraid of many thousands of people
who have set themselves against me all around.

7 Arise, O LORD!
Save me, O my God!
For you strike all my enemies on the cheek;
you break the teeth of the wicked.

8 Salvation belongs to the LORD;
your blessing be on your people!
Selah

This first part of this post is what I wrote to the Lord this morning in my quiet time. The Psalm is what Dr. Ferguson preached on today at lunch. The previous post, "Spiritual Warfare" is what has been going on in my brain for the past few weeks. I even kept it private until today. I posted it because I wanted to show how the Lord revealed Himself to me. He can do anything:)

Dr. Ferguson said there are 4 different medicines we can take out of this Psalm 3:
1. Tell God about the situation. Write it out. Cast our burden on Him. He PROMISED to bear it for us.

2. Began to sense God with him(David). To have an ongoing consciousness that He is with you.
There is a shield ABOUT you, 360 degree shield around you. My glory, and the lifter of my head......oh, how sweet is that picture:) How comforting to picture Him touching my chin and making me look at HIM.

3. Realizes not to be afraid. You are completely safe. The strength of the Lord is about me. Dr. Ferguson also talked about sleep and how Jesus slept through the storm and was awakened by Simon Peter. He also said, "When we are helped through distress we can point others to the Lord."

4. We see a biblical "brave heart"(7-8). David is saying, "Establish Your Kingdom here, with me."
"Arise, O Lord! Save me, O my God! For YOU strike all my enemies on the cheek; YOU break the teeth of the wicked. Salvation belongs to the Lord; Your blessing be on Your people."(7-8)

Coincidence that I wrote to the Lord this morning? Oh, no. Providentially. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Spiritual Warfare

Why is it, once I think I understand something or "get it"....something else happens. The Lord has been working in me for a long time. He has done amazing things in my life. I am in AWE of His Power, Glory, really everything about Him intrigues me. I want to know more about Him. But, I am struggling. I don't know if it is unbelief. I think so. But, what is so crazy is that I REALLY do believe Him at His Word. Every word. I understand it. I feel it. But, some of it I don't.

A lot stims from childhood. My whole life I wanted Joe's love, attention and acceptance. But, it was never unconditional. There was always a catch. If I went to see him more, he was a little bit nicer to me and wouldn't say hateful things to me. Or he wouldn't make me feel so guilty. But, even if he was nicer, I was always looking for the bad. The bad is what I expected. I do remember some of the good. But the bad always stuck more than the good. Maybe this warfare is against damage done, and Him undoing it for me. I do trust that this is in His plan and His will for my life. I am looking for His Glory in this. Because, He always reveals it to me in some way.

Memories of crying for him. He not showing up(again). Not understanding. I was 5 or 6. This continued throughout my life. I just expected it. Disappointment. Hurt. Anger. Frustration. It is almost an innate response I have. Even though I accepted Jesus as my Savior almost 2 years ago, it is so hard to wrap my mind around His unfailing love for me. Crazy. It is a constant war in my brain. Trying to figure it out. Let the hurt go and just believe it. Believe Him at His word. But, I do. I truly do believe. I love Him so.

I know that He put Joe in my life for a reason. Probably to draw me closer to Him and realize that He is my true Father. I know Joe is sick. I pray for him all the time. I have truly forgiven him. Wednesday is his birthday. I usually get kind of anxious around any significant date. The last time was my birthday back in March. That was hard because it was the 2 nd birthday that he had not even acknowledged my birth. Then this summer I contacted him. The Lord really used that to heal my heart in some ways. But, it still hurts.

I just have so many questions. Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel like I am under attack? Why won't it stop? I am praying, but am I not praying the right way? Am I not confessing my sin, or do i not know exactly what the sin is? Am I in bondage to sin? Even though I know Jesus nailed my sins to the cross. I know that. Why can't I release it? Oh, Lord please protect me from satan.

I have these unrational fears. Fears that I am going to be like him. False. Not true. I am a new creation. I do have an anxiety disorder and ADD, but I am not mentally ill or addict like him. I love my children. I have trained myself to love them and it is easy now. Truly. The Lord has truly blessed me with such affectionate children. My life now is not the life that I lived. He has redeemed my past. He is healing me. I know it. I believe it. I just want the warfare to stop. Please, Lord forgive me for my unbelief. But, You know my heart. You know that I love You more than anything. I long to see you.

Please pray for Kenzie

Please pray for Kenzie's blog

Love

Snakes

Fear. Panic. Anxious. Fear. Panic. Anxious.

I really dislike snakes. Always have and always will. But, my sweet Mac loves them. LOVES them. So, this morning my sweet husband went outside to get the paper and came in this morning with, you guessed it...a snake. Now, this snake was not big at all. Maybe four inches long. The smile on Mac's face was, well pure joy. He was so excited. Me. Not so much.

We went over with Mac the rules about the snake. You can not touch the glass jar. Only mom or dad can move it. I had to come up with a spot that I could not see it everywhere I went. So, the upstairs bathroom was his home for a little while. I did let him take it in his room and meet the fish (Jr. you know like Dale;)) Lawson got to meet him too.

The day goes on and we head upstairs to play for a bit before Lawson's nap time. Mac goes in the bathroom and shuts the door. Lawson asks me if she can see the snake. I say, "sure." We walk in there and Mac says, "I think he is taking a nap." Oh no, Oh no, he is DEAD. I felt horrible. I felt horrible for this little innocent snake. My husband had poked holes in the jar. He had grass and a stick. He even had a paper towel soaked in water.

I said to Mac, "Son, he has passed away. I am so sorry." Tears. Tears flowing like a river. On the floor sobbing from Mac. I felt horrible for him and the snake. I try to calm him down and he is just sobbing. He wanted a new little pet even if it was for just today. I explained to him that we would take him outside and bury him after I put Lawson to bed.

I put Lawson to bed. Then we proceeded outside to bury the snake. We dump it out and Mac touches it and says, "Mom, you want to touch it too?" I had been talking to him about how I was working on my fear of snakes, so this was the perfect opportunity to teach. I touched the snake. I touched it. It wasn't that bad. I really did feel bad for the snake.

So, as the day has progressed I have thought about all that has been going on in my life this week. Salmonella, broken toe, school out, no pool, etc. Feeling sorry for myself. Complaining to my friend(s). Then as I was taking a shower, I thought about that snake. I thought about Satan. I thought about the story Mac and I had talked about a few minutes earlier about Jesus when He was tempted by Satan while He was fasting. I thought about the snake in the Garden. Then, while I was washing I washed off the stamp that Mac had put on my hand yesterday. It was 3 crosses and above it it said, "He is Risen."

I have the Seal of Jesus on my heart. I can wash this stamp off because, He is in my heart. I have to fight the Snake everyday. Every moment. Every second. I will always be fighting Satan. But, that Seal is there and It will never go away. He has eased my fear. He has eased my anxiousness. He has taken away my panic. For right now. For this moment it is gone. I see Him. Not, all my failures and insecurities. I am choosing to see myself as exactly the person He created me to be. The person that He knows is trying so hard to cling to Him. To FLEE from Satan. Thank you, Lord.

Please forgive me for complaining today. Please forgive me for feeling sorry for myself. Please forgive me for not looking to You for comfort and security. Please help me to cling to Your PROMISES and call on You for help.

James 4:7-10 (New International Version)

7Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

Bugs

Mac loves bugs. Anything that is alive in nature captivates him. He is amazed by animals. In the first picture, he has found and earwig, some kind of white bug that I have never seen before and a slug. Lawson has taken to loving critters too. It is so funny to hear her say to her brother, "I want to see the white bug." Of course, it is a 2 year old so it is funnier sounding than that!

Then when I put Lawson down, we went outside to do a scavenger hunt for bugs with my camera. We didn't find too many and I told him it was because it is so hot outside that they are all hiding or looking for water. We did find that really pretty flower blooming in the yard.

Lawson was diagnosed with Salmonella. Yes. Thankfully she no longer has the fever or really bad diarrhea. But, we are confined to our house for the next few days. I was kind of anxious about it, but we have had a really great day. This is day 2 in the house. Now we need to spray the back yard for mosquito's...because they are BAD. Please say a little prayer that her test comes back negative in the next few days!

Red Bird, Red Bird

Most of the blogs that I frequent, are amazing God loving women that have a gift for writing. Writing is not a gift of mine, but oh how I wish that I could;) I read the book, "The Shack" recently and was really moved by it. It is a Christian fiction book, it really started me thinking about a lot of things. Especially about God, The Holy Spirit and Jesus. It has made me look for Them a little more.

Well, one day I was running and all the sudden I looked out of the corner of my eye and saw the most beautiful red bird sitting on a branch. Actually, I think I saw it fly and land on the branch. I immediately thought of Jesus. Seeing Jesus in that bird. It took my breathe away. Literally. I thought to myself. He is telling me that He is always with me even if I don't sense it. I mean it was a red bird. RED. Maybe this symbolizes His blood that was shed for me. Me. You. Wow, and let me tell you that almost everyday since, I have seen a red bird. I was thinking about it this morning on my run(which was so painful and miserable by the way;). I didn't see one. And I wasn't looking the whole time. Mainly, when I so wanted to stop. I didn't stop and I kept plugging along. But, I knew that I would see one at some point. Maybe not today, maybe tomorrow. But, the vision of the first one I saw is forever imprinted in my brain.

But, as I went to let my dog in from outside I saw one. Actually I saw 2. The female and the male. Just for a second. But, long enough for me to be in total AWE. I am just so thankful. Thankful that I can see Him in the red bird. But, what I really need to do is see Him in everything. All the time.

Thank you, Jesus for revealing yourself to me in such a simple way. Thank you for reminding me of Your UNFAILING love for me! Red bird, red bird what do you see? I see Jesus looking at me:)

Satisfy us in the morning with Your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. Psalms 90:14

Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet My unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed, says the Lord, who has compassion on you. Isaiah 54:10

Reading

My sweet boy is reading:) He came down tonight with his daddy to show me! I am so proud of him. I can't believe how big he is getting. Today was also the last day of Mac going to Eastminster. He will be starting Kindergarten on August 18th. How can this be? I had big tears in my eyes as we left school today. This is the close of one chapter and the beginning of another.

Mac, I am so proud of you son. I love you soooooo much!

Jesus again

My sweet Lawson is just so precious to me. Leighton and I alternate putting the kids to sleep, so tonight was my night. But, actually I always look forward to putting her to sleep. We rock and read for awhile. Then we turn the lights off and say our prayers. I have started singing to her Jesus Loves Me. I just close my eyes and hold her tight and sing. And let me tell you that singing is NOT a gift of mine;) While I sing I can hear her sucking on her thumb and feel her rubbing on her silky.

Tonight I must have sang it 10 times. She kept saying, "Jesus again, Jesus again". Of course it sounds like, "Zezus gan, Zezus gan"! So, tonight I sang it and sang it and finally the tears came strolling down my face while she was holding on to the cross on my neck.

"Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so, little ones to Him belong they are weak but He is strong. Yes, Jesus loves me, yes Jesus loves me, yes Jesus loves me...the Bible tells me so".